May 13, 2029

Twenty-six years after invading Iraq, the United States closed its military bases and evacuated the last American soldiers from Iraqi soil.

In an address to soldiers at Fort Bragg, President George Prescott Bush praised the U.S. military for accomplishing the mission that his uncle, former President George W. Bush, had set before them in 2003.

"They said that the Iraq War could not be won. They said that the United States was not strong enough. They didn't believe in the courage of American men and women to face down the evil that confronted us. Yes, lives have been lost. Yes, our treasury has been emptied and our economy shattered. Yes, our reputation has been forever tarnished. But today, you proved that the sacrifice was worth it. Because of you, the cowardly terrorists of Iraq will never threaten our freedom again. Thanks to you, America won."

Once the helicopters cleared Iraqi airspace, American military contractors from Cheneyburton Inc. sealed the opening to the newly completed Iraqisphere, a military strength territorial shield that envelopes the entire nation. Built from high tensile mylar with air holes in the top, the shield allows in light, oxygen, and water vapor. Scientists predict that the inhabitants can survive comfortably for hundreds of years.

At the Kuwaiti border, the shapes of people could be seen pounding on the translucent walls from inside, but they disappeared after a flash of light and a muffled explosion emanated from within the sphere. An Army spokesperson, Lieutenant Celia Ann Seid, dismissed the shapes as "a terrorist charade to manipulate world opinion." She continued, "America is safe now. We've contained the threat."

The Iraqisphere is the largest territorial shield in the world. The mylar technology was developed by Israel, which built the first large-scale territorial shield to enclose the Gaza strip. The Hamasphere is considered one of the wonders of the modern world and remains a popular destination for tourists in the Holy Land. Smaller shields enclose Palestinian enclaves throughout the West Bank, which Israelis affectionately refer to as "Bubble Land." China is also nearing completion of a territorial shield over Tibet, the so-called Lamasphere. The United Nations Security Council has debated constructing a massive shield over sub-Saharan Africa, the Afrosphere, but the plan was scuttled because of cost and environmental concerns.

In addition, North Korea has vowed to build a territorial shield over his own country. The North Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced last week that "the DPRK will soon achieve the pinnacle of glory. The SelfRelianceSphere will shield the motherland from wicked gangster nations that seek to steal the most blessed spirit of our people. Our Most Beloved and Dashing Leader shall guide us to triumphant prosperity." But experts doubt that North Korea has the technical capacity to build a territorial shield and note that early fortifications appear to built from translucent Legos.

In the United States, opposition to the Iraqisphere has been muted. Weary from decades of war, leaders from both parties agreed that the shield was the only way to avoid the loss of more American lives. President Bush declared May 13th to be V.I. Day, and Americans across the country took to the streets in celebration.

After the sphere was sealed, former President George W. Bush called former Vice President Dick Cheney to announce the news. Mr. Cheney, age 88, is hospitalized at an undisclosed location after complications from the transplant of an experimental artificial "stone" heart. Doctors believed that the heart, built with obsidian components, was less likely to be rejected by Cheney's body. According to a spokeperson, President Bush's message to his former deputy was succinct, "Mission accomplished."

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

• China Completes Great Fan
• MyRealittee.com Holds Record IPO
• Canada in Negotiations with Internet Virus
• U.S. Passes "Straight To Scrap" Auto Subsidy
  

May 1, 2029

Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."

The origins of the virus are obscure. Some analysts theorize that it was accidentally spawned in 2023 when Chinese spyware invaded the most popular LOLcat website, icanhascheezburger.com, and had its way with the web host, an event which sparked global outrage and elicited a rare public apology from the Peoples' Socialist Spyware Agency.

As Canada struggles, MyRealittee.com, the world's most popular search engine, has offered a ¥5 billion reward for the capture of virus. Bounty hackers around the globe are tracking it, but Evil LOLcat has so far eluded them and periodically broadcasts taunting messages through Canadian computers and portable devices, such as "I IZ A BAAAAD KITTY!!!!" along images of kitty porn, which have caused some Canadians to be hospitalized.

Thanks to Nebton for providing the image.

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

• China Completes Great Fan
• MyRealittee.com Holds Record IPO
  

Primary power:
Bending lesser minds to his will

Secondary power:
Manipulating intelligence data

Primary power:
Controls zombie army

Secondary power:
Feeds on hate

Primary power:
Devious brilliance

Secondary power:
Unhindered by conscience

Primary power:
Unpredictability

Secondary power:
Cannot be killed

Primary power:
Buffoonery

Secondary power:
Familiar with hip-hop terminology

Primary power:
Righteous irritation

Secondary power:
Earmark disintegration ray

Primary power:
Emits patriotic-sounding nonsense

Secondary power:
Sentences of unusual structure

Primary power:
Not an old white guy

Secondary power:
Dull speech of death

Primary power:
Legislative sabotage

Secondary power:
No secondary power

Primary power:
Unknown

Secondary power:
Unknown

Primary power:
Wreaks global destruction

Secondary power:
Blessed cloak of invisibility

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Cross posted as usual at dagblog.com. You can subscribe to all my posts via RSS feed or email.

April 27, 2029

The world's most popular search engine, MyRealittee.com, set a new record with its long-awaited ¥8.3 trillion IPO on the WongDaq stock exchange in Shanghai. MyRealittee.com's unusual IPO process, a reverse double-blind Flemish auction with a half-somersault, left analysts scratching their heads but did not prevent a buying frenzy that drove the share price up to ¥1279 by the end of trading. MyRealittee.com is now worth ¥74.8 trillion, approximately four times the GDP of the United States.

MyRealittee.com's search technology crawls users' brains in order to provide them information that supports their preconceived ideas. Journalists, philosophers, and social scientists have denounced MyRealittee.com for offering emotionally satisfying but completely false information. In an interview last year with online magazine, StillWiredAfterAllTheseYears.com, 17-year-old founder Barack Patel defended the company's approach:

"What's reality? It's just a set of so-called facts that the government-media-collusion wants you to believe. In the old days, the information oligarchs monopolized reality and spoon fed it to the masses through charismatic 2D-TV personalities with boring haircuts. Then the blogosphere undermined the establishment by letting ordinary people with cool facial hair access alternative facts without media intermediation. But there was too much information. People had to sift through and reject all the facts that they didn't believe. MyRealittee.com's Data-Sieving Inculcational Solipsism filters all the facts that users won't believe anyway, so it's easier for people to actuate their unique realities."

Mr. Patel disputed allegations that MyRealittee.com's technology not only filters information but also invents fabrications:

"We don't fabricate. We interpolate. Occasionally, the facts that you believe don't exist. The human brain normally deals with low-fact situations by bending information to fit its reality. But this bending process can induce mental anguish in some individuals. MyRealittee.com automates the information bending with Neuro-Warp Infatuation Mechanics that simulate cranial interpolation so that you can have your reality without the guilt."

MyRealittee.com's approach evidently appeals to Internet users. Since its launch last spring, the site has signed on millions of new members every day and now boasts over 2.9 billion users worldwide. One of the factors in MyRealittee.com's success has been its Realittee Collectives, groups of people with shared perspectives. The website already hosts over a million Collectives with such diverse themes as "U.N.-Zionist Conspiracy to Eradicate Siberian Horny Toads," "Things Were Better In the Old Days," and "You Are All Just Figments of My Imagination."

MyReallitte.com may become a victim of its own success. One of the most popular Collectives is called "MyReallittee.com Controls Our Minds." But Mr. Patel takes it all in stride, declaring, "Everyone is entitled to their own reality."

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

• China Completes Great Fan
  

You've no doubt seen the video in which Obama bowed meekly before King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia:

In and of itself, this servile gesture symbolizes the pathetic dependence of United States on the towel-headed terrorist who undermines our sovereignty by making us buy his oil. But this was not Obama's first offense. He also bowed before the Queen of England, the symbolic leader of the nation that once taxed our tea, press-ganged our soldiers, and quartered, yes quartered, its bayonet-wielding troops in our very bedrooms. Watch and weep for the glory of the nation:

What's next, serving tea to the Chinese? Cleaning the Indians' latrines? Lapdances for the Iranians? (Imagine how it would bolster Ahmenijhad's international credibility.) At this rate, our entire nation will soon be little more than a decrepit happy-ending massage joint on the outskirts of Winnipeg.

Alas, it was not as if we had no warning. Remember the way Obama turned down greasy hunks of meat during the primary? His pathetic bowling score? We should have known better. We should have seen Mr. Obama for the genuflecting pansy that he is and instead elected the Crown Royale quaffer or the grizzly bear DNA shouter or the other old guy who threw the big rock.

Too late for that now. But there is a solution. President Obama must be sent to Mancamp to learn the skills that made our nation the fearsome imperialists that we once were. He must learn to chug grease, bowl strikes or at least spares, and shoot his friends in the face without flinching. After a few weeks at Mancamp, our willowy, namby-pampy leader will be transformed into a large, bellowing ass-kicker who will make the world tremble with his rage. And the next time he confronts presumptuous foreign leaders, President Obama won't cringe in submission; he will project the power of the greatest nation in the world by vomiting in their laps.

This is they way real men consort with Saudi royalty (thanks to NCSteve for the reminder):

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Cross posted at dagblog.com where DF recently pooped on cap-and-trade. You can subscribe to all my posts via RSS feed or email.

Congratulations to the august members of the House of Representatives. You just saved America $148.5M. Of course, after countless hours of wrangling with the Senate, that will surely be reduced by half. And then, there will be the lawsuits challenging the bill-of-attainder tax on a particular company--a really, really, really bad company which deserves to be disemboweled and which we would definitely do if that pesky economic depression weren't in the way. But as I was saying, after the lawsuits and the bureaucratic overhead costs for collecting the cash, the DBO (Dagblog Budget Office) estimates the net savings for the American taxpayers to be somewhere between 0 and -$148.5M. But that doesn't matter because the point is JUSTICE! We demand that all the rich assholes deserve to pay the ultimate penalty for their greedy, greedy awfulness: TAXES! That will show the bastards.

But that was before they sucked all the froth out of our 401K's and fired our neighbors and foreclosed our houses and forced us to sell 12 of our 15 televisions on craigslist so that now we only have one in the bedroom, one in the living room, and one in the den which doubles as a computer monitor so it doesn't really count. In short, that was before we were MAD!

And when the American people get MAD!, we don't want to sit around and wait for our plodding leaders to come up with plans and ideas and ways to make sure that this whole mess doesn't happen again after we're not MAD! anymore. We want JUSTICE! NOW! We want to see our our leaders stick it to some token bankers where the sun don't shine: their wallets! Let's see how many HDTV's they can buy now!

I had thought that our craven representatives would just hem and haw and talk about how mad they were but how the past was the past and how it was too late to stop the bonuses and how we have to think about the future. But I underestimated the willingness of our elected leaders to do the right thing, which is to say whatever they think will get them re-elected next time round. So thank you House of Representatives for standing up to the evil bankers and bowing, nay groveling, before the unrivaled wisdom of the American voter.

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Cross posted as usual at dagblog.com. You can subscribe to all my posts via RSS feed or email. For those who missed my video before and for those who missed the point of my video before: The House That George Built...

This is the house that George built!
These are men who lie in the house that George built.
This is the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

This is is the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

These are the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

These are the companies poorly run
That fired the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

This the economy that went awry
That bankrupt the companies poorly run
That fired the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

These are investors who bought too high
That wrecked the economy that went awry
That bankrupt the companies poorly run
That fired the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

These are the assets which weren't worth shit
That ruined investors who bought too high
That wrecked the economy that went awry
That bankrupt the companies poorly run
That fired the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

These are the bankers who all got rich
That bought the assets which weren't worth shit
That ruined investors who bought too high
That wrecked the economy that went awry
That bankrupt the companies poorly run
That fired the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

These are the leaders who set the stage
That helped the bankers who all got rich
That bought the assets which weren't worth shit
That ruined investors who bought too high
That wrecked the economy that went awry
That bankrupt the companies poorly run
That fired the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

These are the people screaming with rage
That elected the leaders who set the stage
That helped the bankers who all got rich
That bought the assets which weren't worth shit
That ruined investors who bought too high
That wrecked the economy that went awry
That bankrupt the companies poorly run
That fired the workers who saved no mon'
That believed the press, so naive
That trusted the Dick who did deceive
That contrived the fraud that started the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built!

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Cross posted at dagblog.com. For more Genghis, please subscribe to my RSS feed.