In a comprehensive study, voting experts recently conducted a series of interviews, polls, and focus groups to find out why American voters turned away from Republicans in 2008. While many reasons were cited, analysts observed a clear consensus among swing voters who had voted for President George Bush and other Republican candidates prior to 2006 but changed to Democratic tickets in the past two years. In one poll, 9 out of 10 respondents replied that they were dissatisfied with their candidates' "lack of commitment to right-wing ideology." In answer to the question, "How Republican is your congressperson?", the average rating for Republicans was 2 out of 10, slightly less than the average rating of 3 for Democratic congresspeople.

In a focus group, one angry young man railed against Republicans for "appeasing the terrorists," stating:

"We shouldn't of stopped at Iraq and Afghanistan. We should of bombed Iran and Cuba and Korea and France. Now the world thinks we're a bunch of wussies because can't stand up to the towel-heads and the beret-heads and whatever they wear on their heads in Korea. Probably fortune cookies."

In another focus group, a self-described "amateur economist" explained that he changed his vote because of Republicans' failure to deregulate.

"Bankers are very frustrated with all the forms that they have to fill out whenever they invest people's money, so they just stopped investing. That's why we're in a recession now. We needed to let the bankers do what they do best--make smart investments that are good for the country."

Other interviewees were primarily concerned about social issues. One voter complained that the Bush administration was soft on homosexuals,

"They should all be put in prison. Then they could buttscrew each other as much as they want and they wouldn't try to get married all the time."

Some voters criticized the GOP for neglecting its nativist roots. According to one concerned citizen,

"I hear the Republican bigwigs talking about how they need the Hispanic vote, but we don't need none of that. They'd just vote to open up the borders and pretty soon we'd all have to speak Spanglish and wear sombreros and all the streets would be named after Mexicans. We'd have to say, 'Turn right at Speedy Gonzales Street.' How dumb is that?"

Respondents almost universally agreed that Republicans in Washington were out of touch. As one woman explained,

"They like to talk about shooting their guns and driving pickups and going to church, but we all know that they're driving Priuses to Starbucks to buy their triple decaf lattes. They probably do crossword puzzles in their spare time. It's sickening."

Republican Party leaders refused to comment on the results of the study. Most didn't answer their phones. In one case, a Republican leader answered but when asked about the study, switched to a high-pitched voice and pretended to be someone else. Another unnamed congressperson was chased by reporters but managed to escape by hurling a lukewarm latte at them. One journalist's shirt was reported to be in critical condition.

The only prominent Republican to speak on the record was Dick Cheney, who promised to "interrogate the turncoats," but it was not clear of whom he was speaking. A reporter who witnessed the comment explained, "I was too scared to ask him."

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