News From the Future: Canada in Negotiations with Internet Virus
May 1, 2029
Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."
Denied access to their favorite blogs, entertainment sites, and porn, the normally staid Canadians have reacted with unprecedented rage. There have been riots in Montreal, Toronto, Edmonton, and other megacities. The Canadian government estimates that hundreds have been killed across the country with billions of yuan in property damage. Downtown Winnipeg has reportedly been leveled, but witnesses say that it's hard to tell the difference. Meanwhile, Quebec has threatened to secede if the standoff is not immediately resolved, the fourth such threat this year. According to a recent poll, 55% of non-Quebecois Canadians want Quebec to "STFU and leave already eh," 31% don't realize that Quebec is still part of Canada, 11% "don't GAFF," and 3% don't know what a "jeezle" is.
The origins of the virus are obscure. Some analysts theorize that it was accidentally spawned in 2023 when Chinese spyware invaded the most popular LOLcat website, icanhascheezburger.com, and had its way with the web host, an event which sparked global outrage and elicited a rare public apology from the Peoples' Socialist Spyware Agency.
As Canada struggles, MyRealittee.com, the world's most popular search engine, has offered a ¥5 billion reward for the capture of virus. Bounty hackers around the globe are tracking it, but Evil LOLcat has so far eluded them and periodically broadcasts taunting messages through Canadian computers and portable devices, such as "I IZ A BAAAAD KITTY!!!!" along images of kitty porn, which have caused some Canadians to be hospitalized.
Thanks to Nebton for providing the image.
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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:
Ha, you almost had me. May first. Making fun of dottering old fools are ya?
Nom de Guerre
May 1, 2009 10:52 AM | Reply | Permalink
The "May 1, 2029" and "News From The Future" in big bold letters didn't clue you in?
May 1, 2009 11:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
Alzheimers is a very serious debilitation and very hard to spell. ha
Besides, I still have not installed my new 19 inch viewer that was just delivered. Sent by my friends at TPM.
May 1, 2009 11:40 AM | Reply | Permalink
Maybe I should put in a request to the TPM wish machine as well. I could really use a Wii. ;) Glad the new PC is working out for you.
May 1, 2009 11:58 AM | Reply | Permalink
this art-icklle are ]porurly witten. and ignirant .wippineg haz mountuns. taaaall onexzzzzzzzzzzstop. on%ley gud part is insluting the frn4ench. ha
we shaill neverr be defeacted by sum confusr firus.! ./]]
May 1, 2009 11:47 AM | Reply | Permalink
I don't write these stories. I just pass them on. This is Canada's future. Best get out while there's still time.
May 1, 2009 11:59 AM | Reply | Permalink
Ok. You misspelled "jeezly," and "favorite blogs, entertainment sites, and porn" is redundant. But that's alright. Laugh now, while the Big Kitty beats up on your neighbours. But we all know that when it coughs up that big hairball, it's headed straight for Philly.
May 1, 2009 1:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
hahhahahaha. I really did not know that Canadians could type in the first place. I mean hockey and fishing, but typing?
Do you guys twitter or tweeeter or whatever the f... it is called. I mean do you do it when you are out skinnin' moose and such?
I really wanna know. I mean except for some Siberians, I think you are the only people in the world that suffer from 60 below fever. ha
May 1, 2009 12:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
Why do you think I am a cut'n'paste Blogger, eh? Never learned to type growin' up...
May 1, 2009 9:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
kidding Q, he never did respond ha
May 1, 2009 10:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
It's those semi-sentient lawsuits that really make your life miserable, although autonomous tax audits come in a close second. Really scary are voice-recognition software agents that think they are your cousin, and want to take a lease on a time-share with you.
And if you wake up to your cellphone talking about the imminent expiration of your contract, with promised self-destruct, you'd better get your boots on quick.
May 1, 2009 11:58 AM | Reply | Permalink
I had a relationship with a voice-recognition app once, but it didn't work out. I don't think that she really got me.
May 1, 2009 12:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
Don't see how that got started, since you have no head, thus no voice. Did she load your text into her synthesizer? Kinda narcissistic. Auto-recognition. I voice, therefore I I.M.
May 1, 2009 12:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
Or...
I text, therefore I.M.
May 1, 2009 12:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
That's why it didn't work out
May 1, 2009 1:13 PM | Reply | Permalink
This just in: Negotiations have commenced to rename the 'Evil LOLcat virus' as Elolca virus. The negotiations were instigated by the World Wide Association of Cat Avatars, (WWACA)and the Grupo Internacional Para Seguridad Para la Web, (GIPSPlaW). WWACA entered negotiations following the development of a quantitative description of a tendency on the part of other avatar types to discount or outright ignore comments from bloggers using cats as avatars in the wake of the Evil LOLcat virus. A spokesman for WWACA is quoted as saying, "We could see the handwriting on the wall, and are proactively addressing a situation that could wreak irreparable damage on the cat avatar brand".
May 1, 2009 4:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Awesome addition.
May 1, 2009 5:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
Oh LOL! ROTFL and LMFAO.
May 2, 2009 2:16 AM | Reply | Permalink
Very clever, Genghis et al. Thanks for the laughs.
May 2, 2009 9:05 AM | Reply | Permalink