May 13, 2029

Twenty-six years after invading Iraq, the United States closed its military bases and evacuated the last American soldiers from Iraqi soil.

In an address to soldiers at Fort Bragg, President George Prescott Bush praised the U.S. military for accomplishing the mission that his uncle, former President George W. Bush, had set before them in 2003.

"They said that the Iraq War could not be won. They said that the United States was not strong enough. They didn't believe in the courage of American men and women to face down the evil that confronted us. Yes, lives have been lost. Yes, our treasury has been emptied and our economy shattered. Yes, our reputation has been forever tarnished. But today, you proved that the sacrifice was worth it. Because of you, the cowardly terrorists of Iraq will never threaten our freedom again. Thanks to you, America won."

Once the helicopters cleared Iraqi airspace, American military contractors from Cheneyburton Inc. sealed the opening to the newly completed Iraqisphere, a military strength territorial shield that envelopes the entire nation. Built from high tensile mylar with air holes in the top, the shield allows in light, oxygen, and water vapor. Scientists predict that the inhabitants can survive comfortably for hundreds of years.

At the Kuwaiti border, the shapes of people could be seen pounding on the translucent walls from inside, but they disappeared after a flash of light and a muffled explosion emanated from within the sphere. An Army spokesperson, Lieutenant Celia Ann Seid, dismissed the shapes as "a terrorist charade to manipulate world opinion." She continued, "America is safe now. We've contained the threat."

The Iraqisphere is the largest territorial shield in the world. The mylar technology was developed by Israel, which built the first large-scale territorial shield to enclose the Gaza strip. The Hamasphere is considered one of the wonders of the modern world and remains a popular destination for tourists in the Holy Land. Smaller shields enclose Palestinian enclaves throughout the West Bank, which Israelis affectionately refer to as "Bubble Land." China is also nearing completion of a territorial shield over Tibet, the so-called Lamasphere. The United Nations Security Council has debated constructing a massive shield over sub-Saharan Africa, the Afrosphere, but the plan was scuttled because of cost and environmental concerns.

In addition, North Korea has vowed to build a territorial shield over his own country. The North Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced last week that "the DPRK will soon achieve the pinnacle of glory. The SelfRelianceSphere will shield the motherland from wicked gangster nations that seek to steal the most blessed spirit of our people. Our Most Beloved and Dashing Leader shall guide us to triumphant prosperity." But experts doubt that North Korea has the technical capacity to build a territorial shield and note that early fortifications appear to built from translucent Legos.

In the United States, opposition to the Iraqisphere has been muted. Weary from decades of war, leaders from both parties agreed that the shield was the only way to avoid the loss of more American lives. President Bush declared May 13th to be V.I. Day, and Americans across the country took to the streets in celebration.

After the sphere was sealed, former President George W. Bush called former Vice President Dick Cheney to announce the news. Mr. Cheney, age 88, is hospitalized at an undisclosed location after complications from the transplant of an experimental artificial "stone" heart. Doctors believed that the heart, built with obsidian components, was less likely to be rejected by Cheney's body. According to a spokeperson, President Bush's message to his former deputy was succinct, "Mission accomplished."

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

• China Completes Great Fan
• MyRealittee.com Holds Record IPO
• Canada in Negotiations with Internet Virus
• U.S. Passes "Straight To Scrap" Auto Subsidy
  

In a comprehensive study, voting experts recently conducted a series of interviews, polls, and focus groups to find out why American voters turned away from Republicans in 2008. While many reasons were cited, analysts observed a clear consensus among swing voters who had voted for President George Bush and other Republican candidates prior to 2006 but changed to Democratic tickets in the past two years. In one poll, 9 out of 10 respondents replied that they were dissatisfied with their candidates' "lack of commitment to right-wing ideology." In answer to the question, "How Republican is your congressperson?", the average rating for Republicans was 2 out of 10, slightly less than the average rating of 3 for Democratic congresspeople.

In a focus group, one angry young man railed against Republicans for "appeasing the terrorists," stating:

"We shouldn't of stopped at Iraq and Afghanistan. We should of bombed Iran and Cuba and Korea and France. Now the world thinks we're a bunch of wussies because can't stand up to the towel-heads and the beret-heads and whatever they wear on their heads in Korea. Probably fortune cookies."

In another focus group, a self-described "amateur economist" explained that he changed his vote because of Republicans' failure to deregulate.

"Bankers are very frustrated with all the forms that they have to fill out whenever they invest people's money, so they just stopped investing. That's why we're in a recession now. We needed to let the bankers do what they do best--make smart investments that are good for the country."

Other interviewees were primarily concerned about social issues. One voter complained that the Bush administration was soft on homosexuals,

"They should all be put in prison. Then they could buttscrew each other as much as they want and they wouldn't try to get married all the time."

Some voters criticized the GOP for neglecting its nativist roots. According to one concerned citizen,

"I hear the Republican bigwigs talking about how they need the Hispanic vote, but we don't need none of that. They'd just vote to open up the borders and pretty soon we'd all have to speak Spanglish and wear sombreros and all the streets would be named after Mexicans. We'd have to say, 'Turn right at Speedy Gonzales Street.' How dumb is that?"

Respondents almost universally agreed that Republicans in Washington were out of touch. As one woman explained,

"They like to talk about shooting their guns and driving pickups and going to church, but we all know that they're driving Priuses to Starbucks to buy their triple decaf lattes. They probably do crossword puzzles in their spare time. It's sickening."

Republican Party leaders refused to comment on the results of the study. Most didn't answer their phones. In one case, a Republican leader answered but when asked about the study, switched to a high-pitched voice and pretended to be someone else. Another unnamed congressperson was chased by reporters but managed to escape by hurling a lukewarm latte at them. One journalist's shirt was reported to be in critical condition.

The only prominent Republican to speak on the record was Dick Cheney, who promised to "interrogate the turncoats," but it was not clear of whom he was speaking. A reporter who witnessed the comment explained, "I was too scared to ask him."

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