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I resolve not to sink any Thai fishing boats.
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For Thai fisherman:
I resolve to avoid the Indian navy.
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For Britney, Paris, and Lindsay:
I resolve to wear panties to public events.
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For Miley Cyrus:
I resolve not take off my clothes for photographers until my publicist thinks it's good for my career or I blow through all my cash.
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For investors:
I resolve not to buy any more worthless equity until the next bubble.
Last bid: $854,452.04 (increasing rapidly)

For Bernie Madoff:
I resolve to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Trust me.
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For Dick Cheney:
I resolve to remain unrepentant until the end of time.
Buy Now: Pegged to cost of Iraq war, currently $583,461,993,036

For Governor Blagjovich
I resolve not to resign until I get something for it. I've got this thing and it's [expletive] golden, and I'm just not giving it up for [expletive] nothing.
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For John McCain:
I resolve to conduct myself with honor and integrity until my next election campaign. Also to study up on the economy.
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For Sarah Palin:
I resolve to insert myself into America's political consciousness until the country screams for mercy. You betcha.
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For Joe the Plumber:
What she said.
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For Joe Biden:
I resolve to be the most effective VP ever.
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For John Stuart, Stephen Colbert, Jay Leno, and the SNL staff:
I resolve to find something funny about Obama.
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SNL bonus: I resolve to find something funny, period. Not counting Tina Fey as Sarah Palin.
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For AIG bankers:
I resolve not to go on lavish spa retreats until the government check clears.
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For the American economy:
I resolve to get better. To try to get better. At least to not get worse. Oh screw it, there's always 2010.
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For Barack Obama:
I resolve to fix the economy, pull out of Iraq, and make healthcare affordable.
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And quit smoking.
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For George Bush:
I resolve to slink into oblivion.
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Note: Our New Year's resolutions are non-refundable, but for those of who have trouble fulfilling them, we have a special service. For a mere $499.99, we will monitor your progress, and if you violate any of your resolutions, our Chief Enforcement Officer will personally come to your home and spank you silly. (He works for tips, so please be generous.) For an additional $99.99, he will also tattoo your resolution on a body part of your choice. Tattoo removal: $1999.99.

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Cross posted at dagblog.com, where we party like it's 2009.