Obama recently gave his first press conference as President Elect despite the fact that "President Elect" is not actually an office. It's more like "Future President." But of course, Obama has always been "Future President," though we didn't know it until now, so this would be only his first press conference as "Future President As We Now Know." Though to be honest we've pretty much known for at least a month, so it's more like his first press conference as "Future President As We Are Now Totally Sure So It's Cool To Talk About Presidential Dogs and Stuff." In any case, something has changed, so all the pundits are now gratifying us with an in-depth analysis of every word out of Obama's mouth. In particular, we have some profound mutt analysis from William Kristol, TPM's own FlyOnTheWall, and none other than Cesar Millan, the famous dog whisperer.

Since it's obvious that readers are slobbering for more mutt analysis and not wishing to be outdone by Kristol, Millan, and Wall, I am happy to oblige them. So without further ado, the presser:

Obama: Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much.

Note the triple repetition of expressions of appreciation, a classic literary trope and a subtle reference to the three strikes of America's once favorite pastime (now third or fourth favorite). The use of the term "everybody" shows Obama's inclusive approach to government.

Obama: This morning we woke up to more sobering news about the state of our economy.

Note the choice of demonstrative pronoun, "this." Obama might have said "tomorrow morning" or "yesterday morning" or "some mornings," but "this morning" shows his concern for the present and alludes to Dr. King's "fierce the urgency of the now." Note also the "sober" economic news. Not depressing news, not anxiety-producing news, and certainly not oh-shit-we're-really-screwed-this-time news. Obama once again shows that he is cool under pressure. Finally, "our" economy. "The economy" would have been too impersonal, "your economy" too removed, "my economy" too self-important, and "Bush's economy" too snarky. "China's economy" would have been more accurate, since they pretty much own it now, but some truths are best left unsaid by people who wish to be reelected some day.

Then Obama says a lot of boring stuff, so let's get to the mutt part:

Obama: With respect to the dog

Obama's use of the definite article shows resolution. Not "a dog" or "some dog" or "dogginess," Obama promised his supporters a dog, and as President, he will make sure that they get one.

Obama: I think it's generated more interest on our website than just about anything.

Here, Obama shows characteristic caution and humility by saying "I think" rather than "I'm sure" or just stating the point. Fact-checking journalists are no doubt scouring the website to determine whether any other issues are generating more interest, but Obama has provided himself an easy out.

Obama: We have -- we have two criteria that have to be reconciled.

Red meat for pundits who love reconciling criteria. Also, "we have" is repeated twice for emphasis, a classic rhetorical device invented by Cicero.

Obama: There are a number of breeds that are hypo-allergenic

Which breeds? Once again, Obama shows caution. Could be three breeds, could be thousands. Unlike President Bush, Future President (As We Now Know) Obama would never tell us which nations are in the Axis of Evil or even how many there are.

Obama: But obviously, a lot of shelter dogs are mutts, like me.

Here is the now famous phrase: mutts like me. But by taking the phrase out of context, the pundits have missed the big story here. "Like me" modifies "mutt," but it also modifies "shelter dog." Thus, Obama has slyly revealed that he is a shelter dog. A clue? People have speculated that Obama attended a madrassa in Indonesia, but perhaps he actually lived in an animal shelter and was raised by Indonesian mutts. Perhaps he's even some kind of weremutt and will be captured chasing bicycles along Pennsylvania Avenue under a full moon. After dropping this bombshell, Obama deftly changes the subject to schools for his daughters. Is weremuttishness hereditary? If Malia is allergic, that could present complications. Maybe this was the dark secret that Hillary Clinton's advisors once hinted would eventually be revealed.

Fear not, readers, the truth will come out. I have picked up the scent, and I will not be denied my quarry.

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Cross posted at dogblog.com, I mean dagblog.com.