May 13, 2029

Twenty-six years after invading Iraq, the United States closed its military bases and evacuated the last American soldiers from Iraqi soil.

In an address to soldiers at Fort Bragg, President George Prescott Bush praised the U.S. military for accomplishing the mission that his uncle, former President George W. Bush, had set before them in 2003.

"They said that the Iraq War could not be won. They said that the United States was not strong enough. They didn't believe in the courage of American men and women to face down the evil that confronted us. Yes, lives have been lost. Yes, our treasury has been emptied and our economy shattered. Yes, our reputation has been forever tarnished. But today, you proved that the sacrifice was worth it. Because of you, the cowardly terrorists of Iraq will never threaten our freedom again. Thanks to you, America won."

Once the helicopters cleared Iraqi airspace, American military contractors from Cheneyburton Inc. sealed the opening to the newly completed Iraqisphere, a military strength territorial shield that envelopes the entire nation. Built from high tensile mylar with air holes in the top, the shield allows in light, oxygen, and water vapor. Scientists predict that the inhabitants can survive comfortably for hundreds of years.

At the Kuwaiti border, the shapes of people could be seen pounding on the translucent walls from inside, but they disappeared after a flash of light and a muffled explosion emanated from within the sphere. An Army spokesperson, Lieutenant Celia Ann Seid, dismissed the shapes as "a terrorist charade to manipulate world opinion." She continued, "America is safe now. We've contained the threat."

The Iraqisphere is the largest territorial shield in the world. The mylar technology was developed by Israel, which built the first large-scale territorial shield to enclose the Gaza strip. The Hamasphere is considered one of the wonders of the modern world and remains a popular destination for tourists in the Holy Land. Smaller shields enclose Palestinian enclaves throughout the West Bank, which Israelis affectionately refer to as "Bubble Land." China is also nearing completion of a territorial shield over Tibet, the so-called Lamasphere. The United Nations Security Council has debated constructing a massive shield over sub-Saharan Africa, the Afrosphere, but the plan was scuttled because of cost and environmental concerns.

In addition, North Korea has vowed to build a territorial shield over his own country. The North Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced last week that "the DPRK will soon achieve the pinnacle of glory. The SelfRelianceSphere will shield the motherland from wicked gangster nations that seek to steal the most blessed spirit of our people. Our Most Beloved and Dashing Leader shall guide us to triumphant prosperity." But experts doubt that North Korea has the technical capacity to build a territorial shield and note that early fortifications appear to built from translucent Legos.

In the United States, opposition to the Iraqisphere has been muted. Weary from decades of war, leaders from both parties agreed that the shield was the only way to avoid the loss of more American lives. President Bush declared May 13th to be V.I. Day, and Americans across the country took to the streets in celebration.

After the sphere was sealed, former President George W. Bush called former Vice President Dick Cheney to announce the news. Mr. Cheney, age 88, is hospitalized at an undisclosed location after complications from the transplant of an experimental artificial "stone" heart. Doctors believed that the heart, built with obsidian components, was less likely to be rejected by Cheney's body. According to a spokeperson, President Bush's message to his former deputy was succinct, "Mission accomplished."

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

• China Completes Great Fan
• MyRealittee.com Holds Record IPO
• Canada in Negotiations with Internet Virus
• U.S. Passes "Straight To Scrap" Auto Subsidy
  

In a comprehensive study, voting experts recently conducted a series of interviews, polls, and focus groups to find out why American voters turned away from Republicans in 2008. While many reasons were cited, analysts observed a clear consensus among swing voters who had voted for President George Bush and other Republican candidates prior to 2006 but changed to Democratic tickets in the past two years. In one poll, 9 out of 10 respondents replied that they were dissatisfied with their candidates' "lack of commitment to right-wing ideology." In answer to the question, "How Republican is your congressperson?", the average rating for Republicans was 2 out of 10, slightly less than the average rating of 3 for Democratic congresspeople.

In a focus group, one angry young man railed against Republicans for "appeasing the terrorists," stating:

"We shouldn't of stopped at Iraq and Afghanistan. We should of bombed Iran and Cuba and Korea and France. Now the world thinks we're a bunch of wussies because can't stand up to the towel-heads and the beret-heads and whatever they wear on their heads in Korea. Probably fortune cookies."

In another focus group, a self-described "amateur economist" explained that he changed his vote because of Republicans' failure to deregulate.

"Bankers are very frustrated with all the forms that they have to fill out whenever they invest people's money, so they just stopped investing. That's why we're in a recession now. We needed to let the bankers do what they do best--make smart investments that are good for the country."

Other interviewees were primarily concerned about social issues. One voter complained that the Bush administration was soft on homosexuals,

"They should all be put in prison. Then they could buttscrew each other as much as they want and they wouldn't try to get married all the time."

Some voters criticized the GOP for neglecting its nativist roots. According to one concerned citizen,

"I hear the Republican bigwigs talking about how they need the Hispanic vote, but we don't need none of that. They'd just vote to open up the borders and pretty soon we'd all have to speak Spanglish and wear sombreros and all the streets would be named after Mexicans. We'd have to say, 'Turn right at Speedy Gonzales Street.' How dumb is that?"

Respondents almost universally agreed that Republicans in Washington were out of touch. As one woman explained,

"They like to talk about shooting their guns and driving pickups and going to church, but we all know that they're driving Priuses to Starbucks to buy their triple decaf lattes. They probably do crossword puzzles in their spare time. It's sickening."

Republican Party leaders refused to comment on the results of the study. Most didn't answer their phones. In one case, a Republican leader answered but when asked about the study, switched to a high-pitched voice and pretended to be someone else. Another unnamed congressperson was chased by reporters but managed to escape by hurling a lukewarm latte at them. One journalist's shirt was reported to be in critical condition.

The only prominent Republican to speak on the record was Dick Cheney, who promised to "interrogate the turncoats," but it was not clear of whom he was speaking. A reporter who witnessed the comment explained, "I was too scared to ask him."

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Cross posted at dagblog.com. You can subscribe to all my posts via RSS feed or email.

May 6, 2029

President George Prescott Bush signed into law a ground-breaking automobile subsidy that will pay the United States' last remaining automaker, General Chrysford, to build cars that will be shipped straight to the scrapyards. The Automotive Repurposing Act is designed to help the Big One survive a global glut of automobiles that has driven the price of cars below the break-even point. Lisa Lemmon, the CEO of General Chrysford, has lobbied hard for the bill and argued in a recent USA McNews editorial that the auto company could not survive without assistance:

"General Chrysford isn't just a car company. It's a way of life. Families around here have been building cars for generations. But small companies like GC can't compete with the Asian megamanufacturers. Without Federal assistance, it just doesn't pay to build cars anymore."

The bill's sponsor, Senator Otto Poppet, D-MI, explained the advantages of the straight-to-scrap approach.

"The World Trade Federation won't let us subsidize production, but since this bill pays manufacturers to repurpose automobiles, it doesn't violate international trade laws, and since it decreases the supply of vehicles on the market, our manufacturers...uh...manufacturer can charge more for the cars that it does sell. Plus, it's a bonanza for the nation's scrap metal industry, and by putting fewer cars on the road, it even helps the environment. That's a win-win-win-win, which is a heck of a lot of wins."

Senator Trey De Voett, R-AZ, who voted for the bill, believes that it will also help states without automobile industries:

"By voting for the Automobile Repurposing Act, I was able to secure Senator Poppet's vote for the Cactus Redistribution Act, which is very important for Arizona's economy and America's status as the world leader in cactus redistribution."

Celebrities also helped galvanize support for the bill. At the Car Aid 2029 benefit in Flint, MI, 80-year-old Bruce Springsteen performed his hit single, Ballad of the Certified Diesel Technician, and joined Rap-Country sensation, Redneck Killa and da Lonely Boyz, in a moving rendition of their hit, Ain't Nev-a Gonna Quit Makin' Caddies.

But critics contend that the subsidy is nothing more than welfare for factory workers, many of whom already receive food stamps after the Mostly United Auto Workers union agreed to a 5-hour work week last August. Dewie Givaschitz, a spokesperson for Concerned Citizens Against Helping People, contends that the bill will lead to a slippery slope,

"What's next? Paying grocery stores to compost their groceries? Airlines to fly empty planes? Dog walkers to walk around without dogs?"

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

• China Completes Great Fan
• MyRealittee.com Holds Record IPO
• Canada in Negotiations with Internet Virus

May 1, 2029

Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."

Read more »

The Puppet Master Primary power: Bending lesser minds to his will Secondary power: Manipulating intelligence data	The Fulminator Primary power: Controls zombie army Secondary power: Feeds on hate
The Brain Primary power: Devious brilliance Secondary power: Unhindered by conscience	The Human Newt Primary power: Unpredictability Secondary power: Cannot be killed
The Black Sidekick Primary power: Buffoonery Secondary power: Familiar with hip-hop terminology	Captain War Hero Primary power: Righteous irritation Secondary power: Earmark disintegration ray
Ice Girl Primary power: Emits patriotic-sounding nonsense Secondary power: Sentences of unusual structure	Up-and-Coming Boy Primary power: Not an old white guy Secondary power: Dull speech of death
Dr. No Primary power: Legislative sabotage Secondary power: No secondary power	? Primary power: Unknown Secondary power: Unknown
Junior Primary power: Wreaks global destruction Secondary power: Blessed cloak of invisibility

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Cross posted as usual at dagblog.com. You can subscribe to all my posts via RSS feed or email.

April 27, 2029

The world's most popular search engine, MyRealittee.com, set a new record with its long-awaited ¥8.3 trillion IPO on the WongDaq stock exchange in Shanghai. MyRealittee.com's unusual IPO process, a reverse double-blind Flemish auction with a half-somersault, left analysts scratching their heads but did not prevent a buying frenzy that drove the share price up to ¥1279 by the end of trading. MyRealittee.com is now worth ¥74.8 trillion, approximately four times the GDP of the United States.

MyRealittee.com's search technology crawls users' brains in order to provide them information that supports their preconceived ideas. Journalists, philosophers, and social scientists have denounced MyRealittee.com for offering emotionally satisfying but completely false information. In an interview last year with online magazine, StillWiredAfterAllTheseYears.com, 17-year-old founder Barack Patel defended the company's approach:

"What's reality? It's just a set of so-called facts that the government-media-collusion wants you to believe. In the old days, the information oligarchs monopolized reality and spoon fed it to the masses through charismatic 2D-TV personalities with boring haircuts. Then the blogosphere undermined the establishment by letting ordinary people with cool facial hair access alternative facts without media intermediation. But there was too much information. People had to sift through and reject all the facts that they didn't believe. MyRealittee.com's Data-Sieving Inculcational Solipsism filters all the facts that users won't believe anyway, so it's easier for people to actuate their unique realities."

Mr. Patel disputed allegations that MyRealittee.com's technology not only filters information but also invents fabrications:

"We don't fabricate. We interpolate. Occasionally, the facts that you believe don't exist. The human brain normally deals with low-fact situations by bending information to fit its reality. But this bending process can induce mental anguish in some individuals. MyRealittee.com automates the information bending with Neuro-Warp Infatuation Mechanics that simulate cranial interpolation so that you can have your reality without the guilt."

MyRealittee.com's approach evidently appeals to Internet users. Since its launch last spring, the site has signed on millions of new members every day and now boasts over 2.9 billion users worldwide. One of the factors in MyRealittee.com's success has been its Realittee Collectives, groups of people with shared perspectives. The website already hosts over a million Collectives with such diverse themes as "U.N.-Zionist Conspiracy to Eradicate Siberian Horny Toads," "Things Were Better In the Old Days," and "You Are All Just Figments of My Imagination."

MyReallitte.com may become a victim of its own success. One of the most popular Collectives is called "MyReallittee.com Controls Our Minds." But Mr. Patel takes it all in stride, declaring, "Everyone is entitled to their own reality."

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

• China Completes Great Fan
  

April 24, 2029

After a decade of development, China has announced the completion the controversial Great Fan project. The massive 900-meter tall nuclear-powered fan has been designed to relieve the impacts of global warming on Beijing and surrounding areas by blowing millions of cubic meters of hot air towards its northern neighbors. Russia has vigorously protested the construction of the fan before the United Nations, the International League of Justice, and the Asian-Pacific-Plus-Denmark Large Claims Court, but China has so far succeeded in blocking the suits using its veto power, bribery, and tricky lawyers.

In retaliation, Russia has begun construction of its own great fan directly opposite China's fan. According to Russian officials, the fan will be 1200 meters tall and include an "extra high" setting capable of blowing back all of China's hot air. But the Chinese are already said to be developing a second generation great fan with a swivel base that would neutralize the Russian defense. Amnesty International has expressed concern that Mongolia will be caught in the crosswinds and suffer severe sandstorms, but the Chinese-backed Mongolian government has supported China's plans and agreed to lease its borderlands to Chinese wind energy developers seeking to capitalize on the windfall.

International analysts predict a global fan race, as nations seek to propel hot air into one another's territories. Several other nations are already reported to be developing their own great fans, including the United States, Israel, India, and Talibakistan. U.S. officials have also accused of Iran of secretly purchasing fan technology from the Chinese with the intent of building a great fan. Iranian president Mohammed Akantprnouncit, disputed the accusation, declaring that "the peaceful Iranian people seek only giant rotors that will turn prettily in the breeze." Officials in Saudi Arabia have warned darkly that a fan-backed Iran would force them to develop their own fan, but Akantprnouncit dismissed the threats, declaring, "We are not concerned with the Sunni heretics. If they try to build one, the Shiites will really hit the fan."

China's Great Fan is scheduled to be switched on at midnight tomorrow. The Chinese government has promised to keep the fan on a "low" setting until the environmental impact has been determined, but environmentalists have expressed concern that the giant fan will injure migrating birds and disrupt the mating rituals of the Siberian horny toad. The environmental activist group, Green War, is planning worldwide protests and selling millions of bumper stickers and T-shirts that read, "The Fan Blows," "We're Not a Fan of the Fan," "Not By the Hair of My Fanny-Fan-Fan." Proceeds from the sales, including tickets to the demonstrations, are expected to top ¥500 billion worldwide.

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News From the Future is a series of dagblog.com exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. You can subscribe to all our posts via RSS feed or email.

There have been many sober pronouncements lately about the end American hegemony. Some have reacted with despondence, others with glee. It may be that the end is nigh--it has to end sometime--but we should keep in mind that the forecasters of doom emerge from their caves during every period of hardship. They were last seen in force in the 80's as American manufacturing foundered and Japan floated into the economic stratosphere on a very large bubble. The end-of-the-hegemony pessimists are the antimatter twins of the eternal-hegemony optimists who imagine that every stock market rally will last forever. Neither should be trusted.

So let's take the measure of this hegemony thing: what is it, where is it going, and who really cares anyway?

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You've no doubt seen the video in which Obama bowed meekly before King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia:

In and of itself, this servile gesture symbolizes the pathetic dependence of United States on the towel-headed terrorist who undermines our sovereignty by making us buy his oil. But this was not Obama's first offense. He also bowed before the Queen of England, the symbolic leader of the nation that once taxed our tea, press-ganged our soldiers, and quartered, yes quartered, its bayonet-wielding troops in our very bedrooms. Watch and weep for the glory of the nation:

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No, I am not referring to bankers. I'm speaking of the International Criminal Court's indictment of Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir on war crimes charges. Bashir is a force of evil in the world. His leadership has directly contributed to the suffering, murder, and genocide of millions. He deserves the most severe penalties we can in good conscience apply.

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Congratulations to the august members of the House of Representatives. You just saved America $148.5M. Of course, after countless hours of wrangling with the Senate, that will surely be reduced by half. And then, there will be the lawsuits challenging the bill-of-attainder tax on a particular company--a really, really, really bad company which deserves to be disemboweled and which we would definitely do if that pesky economic depression weren't in the way. But as I was saying, after the lawsuits and the bureaucratic overhead costs for collecting the cash, the DBO (Dagblog Budget Office) estimates the net savings for the American taxpayers to be somewhere between 0 and -$148.5M. But that doesn't matter because the point is JUSTICE! We demand that all the rich assholes deserve to pay the ultimate penalty for their greedy, greedy awfulness: TAXES! That will show the bastards.

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Last week, I wrote a piece called This is the House That George Built. TPMer TheraP suggested that I make a video. This is the video.

I wrote this piece in a moment of anger, directed not only towards George Bush and his cronies, but to all the people that brought this country and the world to this terrible place at which we've arrived. There have been countless people who have suffered and many more who will continue to suffer because of this nation's folly.

I hope that this piece goes viral so that the video will be shared beyond the TPM Cafe audience. If you like it, please recommend it, and share it with your friends.

We've been having a lot of great discussions about the economy and those responsible for the recession at dagblog.com. You can subscribe to my posts and those of all my fellow dagbloggers, many of whom started blogging at TPM, here.

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This is the house that George built!
These are men who lie in the house that George built.
This is the war that killed the men
That lie in the house that George built.

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Three months ago, I noted that Japan entered recession before us. Baffled by the willingness of the Japanese people to re-elect the same party decade after decade despite its stewardship of the longest recession in the industrialized world, I diagnosed Japan with bipolar manic-recession, "alternating between periods of extreme stagnation and hyper-productivity." At the end of the post, I noted that the nation has recently been run by "a series of controversy-prone bureaucrats who have deftly succeeded in doing absolutely nothing, which is just how the [Liberal Democratic] party likes it. The latest PM, Taso Aso, took office in September and appears to be no different."

Quelle understatement. Quelle understatement. The Japanese economy contracted 3.3% (12.7% annualized) in 4Q08, Japan's worst decline since 1974--and that includes the burst of its own real estate bubble and decade long swoon from which it had only recently recovered. By contrast, the U.S. economy shrank 1% (3.8% annualized). And economists forecast "a drop of around 4% in 2009--a contraction twice as severe as in America and Europe."

Fortunately, Japan's finance minister, Shoichi Nakagawa, has taken aggressive actions to deal with crisis. He has a 12 step plan:

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Defying expectations and confounding the critics one last time, George W. Bush is not the worst president ever according to C-Span's Historians Survey of Presidential Leadership. Bush beat out Presidents Fillmore, Harding, William Henry Harrison, Pierce, Andrew Johnson, and Buchanan to place a respectable 36th out of 42.

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