Q: What do you call a politician whose vote is directly correlated to the interests of his major political donors?

A:  A centrist.

Q: How do you know when Lynn Cheney is lying?

A: Her mouth is moving.

 

Q: What will Sarah Palin's do next?

A: Professor of Russian Studies at Regent University.

 

Q: What technique did federal penitentiaries use to dramatically reduce recidivism rates of prisoners?

A: They piped in Joe Lieberman speeches for two hours a day.

 

Q: Why did the "inquisitors" at Gitmo switch from Joe Lieberman to Red Hot Chili Peppers to force sleep deprivation?

A: They had to reduce the number of suicide attempts.

 

Q: How do the Treasury and The Federal Reserve plan to cut back on internal expenditures?

A: They plan to share office space with Goldman Sachs.

 

Q: What is wrong with the answer above?

A: They already share office space.

 

Q: Who recently gave a remarkable performance in an updated version of Buñuel's classic film - The Exterminating Angel?

A: The New York State Senate.

 

Q: What did Harry Reid say when informed that the Republicans were going to mount another filibuster?

A: No one knows because no one could hear his response.

 

Q: What is a fiscal conservative?

A:  A politician who votes to cut marginal tax rates at the top and balances it by cutting services for the poor.

 

Q: What did Barack Obama say when his elementary school classmate stole his lunch money?

A: As a compromise, I won't eat lunch today. I can't let the good be the enemy of the perfect.

 

Q: Who is a firm believer that Dr. Strangelove was an instructional film?

A: Ralph Peters.

 

Q: Who is really angry by not being the answer above?

A: Dick Cheney, John Bolton, Charles Krauthammer, Richard Perle and Randy Scheunemann

 

Q: What did Barack Obama say when his college professor published Obama's research paper as his own?

A: It is my work and I am proud of it. I can't let the good be the enemy of the perfect.

 

Q: How did Meet the Press dramatically improve its ratings?

A: David Gregory changed to the same format as Dancing with the Stars.

 

Q: What will John Boehner be in his reincarnation?

A: A Burnt Sienna Crayola Crayon

 

Q: Why can't Alberto Gonzales get a job?

A: Every time he walks into the lobby of a company that is hiring, he has no idea why he is there.  

A: When interviewed, he can't recall his name.

A: When asked why he should be hired, he responds that he'll have to get back on that.

 

Q: Why won't health care reform pass?

A: The 47 million uninsured Americans are afraid of change and want to maintain the status quo.

 

Q: What is the title of John Yoo's new book?

A: The Bill of Rights - An Idea Whose Time has Passed.

 

Q: Why did the Sunday television talk shows have a majority of Republican Party and Conservatives as guests during the Bush (43) years?

A: Because Republicans controlled the Presidency and both Houses of Congress.

 

Q: Why do the Sunday television talk shows still have a majority of Republican Party and Conservatives as guests now?

A: Because the minority party needs to have its voice heard.

 

Q: Why am I stopping now?

A: My border collie herded six sheep in the back yard and I have to play a DVD with Camille Saint-Saëns' Organ Symphony.

 

 

John Hinderacker, seer of seers, mentor of mentors, GOP savant in Chief, wrote: "Bush never gets sloppy when he is speaking publicly. He chooses his words with care and precision, which is why his style sometimes seems halting. In the eight years he has been President, it is remarkable how few gaffes or verbal blunders he has committed. If Obama doesn't raise his standards, he will exceed Bush's total before he is inaugurated."

I dedicate this to you Mr. Hinderacker. Please note that every quote came directly from the mouth of your verbal-standard-bearer, President George W. Bush; many were made before he was inaugurated.

 

Bush's First Press Conference

Or

How W Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Press Conferences

 

President Bush: Good evening my fellow Americans. It has been an extremely hard year for all of us. It has been a hard transition year for me as your president. The economy has been sluggish and inflation has been steep. Chaos in foreign markets triggered by skyrocketing oil prices has eroded world peace. "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." The bad news is that the budget deficit this year will be the highest in eight years. For this reason, I have postponed the third tax cut for a few months. I do this with a heavy heart but I must do it. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family" but "the future will be better tomorrow." Questions?
 

Reporter: Mr. President, you have been in office for 13 months and this is your first press conference. Is there a reason you have been reluctant to speak to the press?
 

President Bush: Well this is a different administration and I am a different president. The last president made a show of feeling your pain. Not me. "I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell." "Remember, verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."  Next question.
 

Reporter: Mr. President, the economy has tanked after your two tax cuts. Even members of your own party are skeptical. What plans do you have for the economy?
 

President Bush: Very good question. I have a one word for that - "Alan Greenspan."
 

Reporter: Excuse me Mr. President but as a follow-up, you yourself said that we have the worst deficit in the last eight years. Since you are planning on cutting taxes again, are you going to slash the budget?
 

President Bush: Of course I am going to cut taxes again. That is not the problem. "I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." And small business. When you cut taxes, you help small business. That is the economy. "I understand small business growth. I was one." You know how my predecessors used fuzzy math by having more money coming into the treasury than they spent. "It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it." Unlike my predecessors, I want to keep the money out of Washington. "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." Next.question.
 

Reporter: Mr. President, do you have plans to deal with the world crisis?

President Bush: This is where I am focusing my energy right now. Let me say one thing.

First - "Keep good relations with the Grecians."

Second - "If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement."

Third - "We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

Fourth - "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

Fifth - "The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas."

Sixth - This is a dangerous world. "It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses." That is why we need to cut taxes.
 

Reporter: Mr. President, the Democrats are questioning your judgments in the current world crisis. They say...
 

President Bush: Now wait a minute. "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."  I was governor of a big state - second biggest state in the country. Now I am president of a big country - sec...err...thir...err... one of the biggest countries in the world. "The Clinton administration has done practically nothing to protect our country. They've turned our country into a rodeo clown."  But not anymore. "I think we can agree. The past is over."  "I don't want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace." "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

Reporter: Mr. President, you campaigned as the education president. Yet by all accounts, you have not even proposed one educational reform.
 

President Bush: "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is to be prepared." The same holds true for a president. That is what we've been doing with education. As governor of Texas, "I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards." We know that "reading is the basics for all learning" yet we are in an education recession in this country. "Rarely is the question asked, 'Is our children learning?'" It is a problem. I know it is a problem. I am not going to answer that though. You should ask that of the Secretary of Education. He has been speaking to teachers all over the country. "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." However, I will say emphatically, "we're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
 

Reporter: Mr. President, the Sierra Club has named you as the worst environmental president in the history of the United States.

President Bush: What do you expect from the Sierra Club? I believe in consensus building. That is what I did in Texas. "I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." The people at the Sierra Club are always harping on pollution. "You can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." And the Secretary of the Interior is dealing with just that. We will succeed.  "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." Final question.

Reporter: Mr. President, you made character a cornerstone of your campaign. Will you tell us how it has helped the country in the past year?

President Bush: "I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together." That is the most important part of this administration. "I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." "I know how proud I am to be standing up." "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." We are for right to life. "We believe that illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." "You know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." We believe in core values. The values of Middle America. I just visited the heartland of our country. "It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." "Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." And family values. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." Unlike my predecessor, "I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made." "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." So even now, I do not consider myself a Washington insider. Unlike the legalistic rulings of judges, "I know there ought to be limits to freedom." It is a refreshing time to be in our great country. We will be remaking our country with a sense of pride and a sense of value. Have we done enough? Not by any stretch of the imagination. "We ought to make the pie higher." In conclusion, I will again show the difference between us and the previous administration by stating that "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." Good night and God Bless America.

 

After the past few days of testimony and media blitz (despite misleading headlines, there was not a report) by General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker all I could think of was The Truman Show.

 

The Truman Show, a 1998 film directed by Peter Weir and starring Jim Carrey, is a fable about an individual’s attempt to gain freedom while he is being controlled on every level by all around him.

 

As an unwanted newborn, Truman Burbank is adopted by a television show. As he grows up, he unknowingly becomes a world-wide star of his own life’s reality show. The show’s creator, Christof, manages and directs Truman’s life realizing that he must keep Truman on the island set if the show is to continue. He does this by fear. From the moment Truman is born, he is instilled with fear.

 

As a child climbing rocks, his father screams at him to get down saying, “You’ve got to know your limitations.”  He is placed in contact with snarling dogs that terrify him and keep him in place. He helplessly watches his father drown in a staged scene resulting in Truman’s overwhelming fear of water. When he walks into a travel office, a poster on the wall reads: Travelers Beware – Terrorists, Disease, Wild Animals, Street Gangs. Another poster shows a jet being struck by lightning with the caption: It Could Happen to You.

 

Christof is aided in keeping Truman isolated and unaware of his situation because everyone on the island, including his parents, wife and best friend are in on the “trap.” Any actors who are uncomfortable with their roles and do not toe the line are forced off the show.

 

President George W. Bush has replicated all of Christof’s techniques in his disastrous war with Iraq. The very day after 9/11, fear became the modus operandi of his administration. Saddam Hussein, WMD, imminent threat, another 9/11, mushroom clouds, code red terror alerts, biological warfare, dirty bombs, smoking guns all bunched together in a never-ending stream of - All fear - All the time.  

 

Fear even became an overt part of the political landscape as terror levels were raised immediately following news that was good for Democrats and/or bad for Republicans. Can anyone forget Tom Ridge’s bewilderment when he hadn’t a clue as to why the terror level had been raised by John Ashcroft?

 

Any actor, who knowingly dissembled in the cause of Bush’s Iraq travesty, was rewarded. Tommy Franks, unable to stand up to Donald Rumsfeld, went to Iraq with too few troops and screamed at any subordinate who dared mention that there was no Phase IV plan for occupying Iraq after the combat phase. George Tenet said little of the real danger posed by Al Qaeda and enabled the threat from Iraq based on stovepiped intelligence to become a baseless reason for war. L. Paul Bremer disbanded the Iraqi Army and took away any future for all Baathists resulting in an instantaneous insurgency. All three received Presidential Medals of Freedom.

 

Any actor who was not on board was used as much as possible and then discarded. Generals Shinseki, Taguba and Admiral Mora stood for reality based reports and lost their careers. Richard Clarke’s “hair burning” warnings about Al Qaeda resulted in his being taken out of the security loop.

 

Colin Powell was this country’s great hope. He had the stature to stand up against fear and prevent a misguided debacle that was politically motivated. He was too important and trusted a figure to be tossed aside. However, Powell allowed himself to be rolled as “the good soldier” forgetting that he was the Secretary of State. After he allowed himself to be used, he too was discarded.

 

The testimony of David Petraeus and Ryan Crocker was actually quite startling. They painted a portrait of a dysfunctional Iraq. They gave us explanations of tactics without an underlying strategy. They painted no rosy pictures and in a moment of unvarnished truth, Petraeus admitted he could not say that our efforts in Iraq were making us safer at home. But, most striking of all was a question that was asked over and over which they did not answer.

 

Truman Burbank’s journey to freedom is initiated when, in an unscripted event, he meets and falls in love with a girl. It turns out this girl detests how Truman is being manipulated by fear and deception. She is wearing a button which reads: How’s It Going To End?

 

That is the question Petraeus and Crocker refused to answer. The tragic part is their refusal is almost certainly because they know the answer.