Try the Barack Roll, it's delicious.  Much better than the Rick Roll.

Why is it every time a conservative pundit or columnist makes an attempt at humor they fail miserably?  (Hello, Anne Coulter.)  Do their frontal lobes lack the humor-processing pathway, thus rendering them incapable of successful satire?  Fox News tried out its own conservative version of The Daily Show but failed due to lack of viewership and, oh what’s that other thing — comedy!

Maybe their comedy quandary originated from jealousy.  It’s a little like Middle Child Syndrome, but instead of being in the middle, they’re on the right.  When people who desire to make others laugh simply cannot succeed, they become bitter and disillusioned.  They cling to guns and religion and lame quips they obliviously assume are clever.  Perhaps what’s most pitiful is that they don’t even realize it; they just assume the audience lacks a sense of humor.  Conservative humorists — an oxymoron if there ever was one — can’t be Stephen Colbert because, whether they realize it or not, Colbert is making fun of them and their warped belief structure.  That’s why he’s funny.  You can only laugh at something that’s tongue-in-cheek if it’s clever. It’s a textbook case of thinking people are laughing with you when they’re actually laughing at you.

Howie Carr’s column from the Boston Herald “Newspaper” — “Test: How to Tell if You’re a Moonbat” — is a fine example of a botched attempt at humor.  It’s basically a lump generalization and somewhat offensive stereotype of liberals, especially those that reside in Massachusetts, as observed by the conservative right.  The clinker is not meant to be taken seriously but it’s also nowhere near clever.  The delicious tragedy and poetic irony is that Carr isn’t quick enough to understand that he’s not even too clever by half.  His delirious sense of self-satisfaction and accomplishment should suffice.  Poor little fella.

The fact of the matter is that people like Howie Carr and Anne Coulter think they’re funny, while people like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert know they’re funny.  The sad part is that those who think they’re funny don’t know the difference.

For those that don’t know, moonbat is to a liberal as wingnut is a conservative.  The difference here is that moonbat is not recognized as a word in the English language.  Wingnut, however, was recently added. I guess the “liberal media” extends to dictionaries now, too.

My excitement for The Dark Knight is not cable of being measured.  Don't believe me, then feel these nipples...

As some of you may already know, Senator Patrick Leahy (D, Vermont) is a huge Batman fan.  He did some voice work on Batman: The Animated Series and had a cameo in 1997's campy craptacular, Batman and Robin.  

Well, Leahy has a cameo in The Dark Knight too -- he's visible in the full trailer that came out a few months ago.  He doesn't just have a cameo, he has a speaking part.  And let me just say, he is one tough cookie.

The clip of Senator Leahy's scene is up on YouTube.

Finally! My two favorite things in the whole world have come together: Bill O'Reilly and mayonnaise. Well, not really. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy mayonnaise, but I don't typically enjoy Bill O'Reilly. He's not very good between two pieces of bread -- white bread ONLY, mind you. I prefer turkey, not bologna. But for once I did actually find some amusement in Bill O'Reilly.

The amusement comes in the form of O'Reilly's phony outrage and confusion over a Heinz mayonnaise advertisement airing in Great Britain only. In the commercial, two men share a kiss, thus making them evil mayonnaise-pushing homosexuals. It's the "gay thing" that confuses O'Reilly. He thinks the underlying subtext is not about mayonnaise but rather about tolerance and gender blending.

You've got to watch the video. O'Reilly is the only one who seems "outraged" by the commercial. Everyone else is just enjoying a good laugh...at O'Reilly's expense.

[source: Think Progress]

WARNING: The following is chockfull of morons, Mormons, oxymorons, and hell, maybe even oxy-Mormons. Know that when I use a term such as “left” when referring to slanted Republicans, I use it in the most righteous since of the word. At the same time, remember that an ironic phrase like “moderate republican” is merely an anagram for “a truce imponderable.” Suspend all logic or turn back now….

Just because John McCain is the Republican nominee doesn’t mean that the conservative base is happy with him as their McMan. In the past, McCain has sided with Democrats and even (gasp!) gone against The Decider himself. McCain has always been a staunch supporter of the war, but he also voted to fund stem cell research, and voted against the Bush tax cuts. In the stink eyes of many Republicans, McCain has committed unforgivable atrocities by exercising his own free will. And if there is one thing Republicans can’t tolerate, it’s free will. George Will, sure, but not free will. They don’t like to give anything away for free.

The conservative base, in particular the Christian cock ring around the base, could make or break McCain come November, depending on whom (or what) his running mate will be.  
In order to appease the majority of the establishment, the Republican Party needs someone in the middle. They almost had this chosen one as their nominee in the form of (the always hilarious) Mitt “magic underwear” Romney but shunned him like a bad dog strapped to the roof of the family car. Romney was forced to graciously submit, but did it for the sake of sparing us all from terror. That was so brave of him…

Ideally, the paramount Republican candidate would be a molten seraphic maverick of a man, someone who cannot only save our souls, but save us from terror as well. Jesus Christ meets Jack Bauer. The problem with this hypothetical Jesus Bauer fellow is that he is made up of two fictional characters.

In the real world, Republicans never had a super candidate—a rockstar like the Democrats had two of. They had John McCain and, to a lesser extent, Mike Huckabee; which I guess makes McCain Jack Bauer, and Huckabee Jesus Christ. (I said you would have to suspend all logic.)

The obvious way to go would be a McCain/Huckabee ticket. But don’t mistake obvious for oblivious. If McCain is too “left” for some Republicans, then Mike Huckabee, or Huckleberry as I like to call him, is too far on the right hand side of God for “moderate” Republicans.
McCain/Huckabee is the equivalent of a Bauer/Christ, or even a Rambo/Flanders ticket. It’s not a dream team with a guaranteed win. It’s an advertisement for the Republican rift—a constant reminder that the Vice-Presidential nominee is, in many ways, a walking contradiction of the napping Presidential nominee. They need to have subtle yet distinguishable differences, like Coke and Pepsi.

In all honesty, the best option for the Republicans is to amalgamate the two men into one, assuming that scientists can do so, and also assuming that the Republicans, Huckabee in particular, are willing to accept science. This way the Republicans will have that Super Candidate—the moderate maverick savior. If successful, I like to think IT would be called McHuckleberry, as in “McHuck’ll bury you!” See, you get the intimidation of Jack Bauer with the compassion of Jesus all in one.

The only other conceivable way to create McHuckleberry, which sounds like a delicious breakfast cereal, is for McCain and Huckabee to breed. But I think we all know that option is off the table. And the last thing anyone wants to imagine is John McCain and Mike Huckabee on the table.  
If they were to somehow procreate, or even go the science route, I imagine their spawn would look a little something like Frankenberry. Frankenberry’s got both of their foreheads, Huck’s eyebrows, tooth, and smile, and McCain’s rosy cheeks. More importantly, Frankenberry is fortified with eight vitamins plus iron and is made from whole grains. Just like McCain!

Wait a tick… Maybe they already have. I may have uncovered the Republicans’ secret weapon. Frankenberry could be the solution to all their problems. It makes sense. Think about it. I know you won’t!

Why should the Republican Party be forced to select a flawed running mate for a flawed candidate when they could have their combined flaws rolled into one marshmallowy man-child? I suppose the only downside to running Frankenberry is that he bears a striking resemblance to Fred Thompson, which could turn voters off the way Fred turns his filthy hot wife off. Conversely, Frankenberry does seem to embody Mitt Romney’s Reaganesque charisma that the GOP dry humps loves so much.
My God. Don’t you see what they’ve done? Frankenberry just isn’t McCain and Huckabee. They’ve amalgamated them all!

McCain + Huckabee + Thompson + Romney = Frankenberry: the (almost) perfect Republican candidate. The only thing that’s missing is a hair of Giuliani—that patented, color-coded, Republican-brand fear mongering—to remind us that we are all gonna die.

So, if the fundamentally flawed Frankenberry is going to be the Republican nominee and win in November, he will need a Vice President who embodies the idiosyncrasies of the scariest Republicans, like the way Alberto Gonzales can erase minds, or how Dick Cheney eats babies. I guess it’s too bad there isn’t a breakfast cereal mascot called Terror Berry. He’d be the perfect running mate.

One would think that Count Chocula would be a perfect fit for the Republicans. He’s scary. He’s a Count, so he’s obviously rich. But there’s one little problem: Count Chocula is a liberal. To hell with euphemisms, let’s not sugarcoat things here; Chocula is black, not to mention an immigrant to boot. The Republican Party cares only about the rich and the white. Why do you think they call it The Right?

No, the real way to ensure Republican dominance come November is for Frankenberry to select a running mate who can appeal to the blue states. One who will cough, sneeze, and excrete 9/11 all over the American people with a sudden insidious cry of, “BOO!” One who invokes fear and stays crunchy in milk. That’s right, I’m talking about none other than Boo Berry, a bipartisan of a complete breakfast.

Frankenberry/Booberry ‘08
God help us all.

DISCLAIMER:  This post is not meant to be taken seriously. I mean no personal offense to bald and/or balding TPMers. Just because I have flowing, beautiful, breathtaking, wavy (is that enough?) hair does not mean that I am an anti-baldite. On the contrary, I am a pro-baldite....

I knew Rudy Giuliani never stood a chance of winning the Republican nomination. He has too many wife skeletons in his closet to have earned the Christian Right vote. Besides his stance on abortion, his crappy history of judicial appointments, his three wives, and the whole drag thing, Rudy had one other major obstacle: He’s bald.
That got me wondering if there had ever been any bald Presidents. Sure, we’ve had bald-faced lying presidents and the bald eagle is our national emblem, but have we ever had any bald Presidents? Well, yes. There have been five bald US Presidents: John Adams, John Quincy Adams (both obviously victims of cruel heredity), Martin van Buren, James Garfield, and Dwight D. Eisenhower.

The lack of hair certainly does not disqualify anyone nor does it disable his capacity to perform the job as commander-in-chief. (Notice I said “his capacity” and not “his or her capacity” because, let’s be honest, a bald woman could never be elected President.)

In this modern age where the media obsesses over trivial non-issues such as expensive haircuts, flag pins, and cleavage, could a bald man actually become president? Early on in the primary we heard so much about Hillary’s cackle and John Edwards’ hair but never anything about Rudy’s lack-thereof. Personally, I don’t think any of those topics should play a role in politics but the sad truth is that our country is obsessed with appearance. We’d prefer our president to look good rather than to actually be good. Look at The Decider; his ranch in Crawford, Texas is nothing more than a movie set—an elaborate and expensive prop used to make him appear more manly and American so that he appeals to simple workin’ folk. It fooled a lot of people.

The media gave Hillary Clinton hell only because she’s a woman. That’s sexism. Is John McCain too old to be President? That’s ageism. Is Barack black enough or not black enough to be President? That’s racism. But no one gave Rudy guff over his shiny sprawling forehead. (Baldism?) If I had been presented with the opportunity I would have personally asked Rudy how much he pays for his haircuts. Though, I’m pretty sure we all already know the answer: $9.11.

Being bald disqualified Rudy from being eligible to join the elitist club of American Presidents. But don't worry, I know of another club he'd be better suited for.
My friends, we caught a break as a country by not having Rudy Giuliani as the Republican nominee. America can only handle one recession at a time. And a receding economy is always preferred over a dictator with a receding hairline. But mark my words; if Rudy Giuliani were ever elected President of the United States, there would be hell toupee.

Funny side note: When I googled “has there ever been a bald president,” I got this in return.

I can't stand Kevin
Costner.  I can count on one hand how many of his films I have
enjoyed.  I'm not over exaggerating.  Watch, I'll count them: Thirteen
Days, Waterworld (yes, I enjoyed it the first time I saw it), A
Perfect World, and JFK.  There's just something about Coster
that makes me want to throw up in my mouth.  So you can probably imagine
how I cringed when I saw him pop-up in a new film trailer the other day. 
There he was, southern hick drawl and all, fishing with some child who probably
has never heard of Kevin Coster. 

In the trailer, the little girl starts nagging her dad, Bud, about the importance of voting.  Bud's not registered, so she took the liberty of registering for him.  "Great, I could get jury duty."  Bud goes to vote and the voting machine suffers some sort of internal error.  His vote is null but he gets to vote again. 

Then, as if the presence of Kevin Coster wasn't enough to make me prematurely hate this movie, a voice-over from none other than Chris fucking Matthews excretes out of the speakers in Dolby Digital Surround Sound, like the T-Rex devouring the jeep in Jurassic Park.  The Presidential election has come down to one state where the vote is tied.  That's right; Bud's singular revote will be the deciding vote for all of America.  His vote is the only one that counts.

At this point I'm thinking I should just shoot myself.  Chris Matthews' voice is enough.  Surely they won't show his vast pale face.  They can't.  They won't.  They do!  

Chris Matthews’ enormous fucking melon head fills the screen.  No one should ever have to see Chris Matthews projected on a screen that large.  Oh, the huge manatee!

I'm just about to pull the trigger when something happens: The projected image shifts from Chris Matthews to a bunch of drunks watching the news in a bar.  Then, a split-screen of the two presidential nominees.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, at that very moment my opinion of this film went from utter revulsion to curious amusement.  I literally became giddy and excited to see this film.  The casting for the two presidential candidates (Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammer) and their staff (Nathan Lane, Stanley Tucci) is inspiring, almost enough to make me forget that Kevin Coster is the focus of the film.  Check out the trailer and see for yourself.  For once I might actually go see a Kevin Coster film.

How much do you wanna bet that the ultra-conservative Kelsey Grammer plays the Republican nominee?

This isn't going to be some enlightening post, so I'll keep it brief.  TPM Cafe needs a section strictly for humor and satire.  A place where serious issues and topics can be satirized.  As The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert have taught us, sometimes humor and satire can bring out new eye-opening points of view that might not be found under more serious circumstances. 

I know there are plenty of people on TPM with a great sense of humor. 

It's been a stressful few weeks for all of us.  Most of us are passionate about politics and take it very seriously.  I think many of us could use a drink or just a good laugh or hell, maybe even a good cry.  And believe me when I say that I would like nothing more than to post something to lighten the mood....

I hate to be the one to post this but I am a seeker of the truth, no matter how painful.  Allegations have been made on other blogs recently about a racial slur that was uttered by Michelle Obama.  Most people think it's unsubstantiated gossip or perhaps even a work of fiction.  With no actual proof it's been dismissed as merely a ruse meant to hurt the Obama campaign....

Well, sadly, there is a video.

Fox News contributor Liz Trotta referred to Barack Obama as “Osama” then laughed it off and suggested that both Barack Obama and Osama bin Laden should be knocked off.
Watch the video.

Are the good sheeple of West Virginia the most racist, uneducated, and misinformed voters in America? Or will Kentucky top them next week? I’m willing to bet that the lovely white ladies who were interviewed by the news networks, and then showcased on The Daily Showlast night got their learnin’ from the fair and balanced Fox News. I’m also willing to bet that each lovely lady has already ordered a Barack Obama t-shirt.

Watch and cringe. (The interviews start at 1:49.)

Now, let’s examine each quote one by one...

"I guess because he is another race.  I'm sorta scared of the other race 'cause we have so much conflict with 'em”

Exactly what sort of conflict are the good sheeple of West Virginia having with other races other than white folk?  Are there even any non-whites in West Virginia?  Where do they hide?  I bet in caves.  Hell, I would too. 

“He's Muslim, and that has a lot to do with it.”

This woman obviously watches Fox News.  I can't think of any other place where she could have been fed that dribble.  She probably also believes we found WMDs in Iraq.  Fox News incorrectly reported that too, just like they have repeatedly reported that Obama is a Muslim. 

“I don't like the Hussein thing.  I've had enough of Hussein.”

This woman is my favorite.  You can see the seriousness in her eyes.  She has had enough of Hussein!  In her defense, she dated Saddam Hussein in high school.  I'm kidding!  She never went to high school.  I should be easy on her.  After all, she was part of the resistance during the war when Iraq invaded West Virginia. 

I wonder where she buys her muumuus...

Do you think the majority of West Virginians know they are a disgrace not only to America but to humanity as well?  Do you think they know that a plurality of the country is mocking them and having a good laugh at their expense?  Do you think they even care?  Do you think they are intelligent enough to comprehend? 

I think not.

The GOP has unveiled a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7Yd80tXs_4">new TV spot</a> that frivolously attacks Barack Obama, sans evidence, with the usual Republican scare tactics of guns, abortion, black people, ect...

What's truly disgraceful about the ad is that they cropped an image of Barack Obama to make it look like he's giving the finger.

He doesn't wear flag pins, so he's not patriotic. His name is not normal, so he's a muslim terrorist. Now he's giving America the finger as if to say, "Fuck you, America!"

<img src='http://megorious.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/obama-finger.jpg' alt='GOP Fingers Obama' class='aligncenter' />

Stay classy, GOP.

According to ABC News and their amazing superdelegate estimator®, Barack Obama has taken the lead in superdelegates...

For the first time this campaign season, Barack Obama has surpassed Hillary Clinton's support among superdelegates, according to the ABC News delegate estimate. 

Sen. Obama, D-Ill., picked up two superdelegates this morning giving him a new metric to tout in addition to his current commanding leads in pledged delegates, popular votes, states won, and money raised.

Rep. Donald Payne, D-N.J., switched his endorsement from Clinton to Obama and Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Ore., endorsed Obama. DeFazio was previously uncommitted.

With these endorsements, Obama has the support of 267 superdelegates and Clinton has 265 superdelegates.

I'm not really sure how to react to this video from CNN of Barack Obama wearing blue jeans (OMG!!!1  BLUE JEANS!!!1).  The women of the media seem to be obsessed to an unhealthy degree.  And Obama seems to be enjoying the attention as well.  
Is America ready for denim?  
Obama/Strauss '08

I am not necessarily proud of this but I feel it should be shared.  After all, Barack Obama has come under a lot of scrutiny and criticism for something someone who was once close to him said way back when...
Well, one of Hillary Clinton's advisors, Mickey Kantor, said this back in 1992 when he was chairman to Bill Clinton's Presidential campaign:  (video)

"Look at Indiana...it doesn't matter if we win. Those people are shit. How would you like to be a worthless white ni**er?"