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Flowerchild's Farked Up Fairy Tales: The Ordinary Girl and the Damn Pony
Once upon a time there lived a girl in a magical land. Now, this girl was just an ordinary girl, she wasn't a fancy princess or anything cool like that. Just a girl, one of many, who lived in a magical land.
Of course, there were fancy princesses living in this land, too. Lots of 'em. And one could easily believe that the ordinary girls might be jealous of the fancy princesses, but it wasn't that way at all. Although, this particular ordinary girl secretly coveted a possession that all the fancy princesses had but the ordinary girls did not: a sweet little pony.
All the fancy princesses had a sweet little pony of their very own but the ordinary girls were ponyless. Completely and utterly ponyless. It was very sad, when you thought about the ponyless ordinary girls.
One day the ordinary girl whispered her secret desire to a group of friends. "I'd like a pony, too!"
Her friends laughed out loud. "What! Are you nuts? You can't have a pony! Yer just an ordinary girl and ordinary girls don't get to have sweet little ponies."
"But, I want one," she said, "And there's no reason I can't have one. It's not like it's against magical land law or anything for me to have a pony."
"Oh, there's tons of reasons you can't have a pony!" the friends exclaimed.
"Name one," the girl demanded, but the friends could not name one good reason why an ordinary girl could not have a pony. And, becoming emboldened by their silence, the ordinary girl marched right over to the nearest pony dealership and asked to see the dealer in charge.
"I would like a sweet little pony," she said clearly, "To go, please. And I would prefer a spotted one."
The dealer snorted, because he had seen this kind of demanding behavior before. "Show me yer princess crown and you'll get yer pony."
The ordinary girl frowned. "I do not have a crown. I'm not a fancy princess. I'm just an ordinary girl who wants a sweet little pony."
The dealer snorted again. "Look, kid. You can't have a pony because you don't have what it takes. Fancy princesses have acres and stables and silos with grain. They have sturdy fences and watering troughs and gold plated pony carts. They have what it takes to keep a pony." The dealer laughed in a very rude manner. "You, on the other hand, ain't got shit."
Well, this was true. So, the ordinary girl walked away, sad and dejected, until it occurred to her that if she worked hard and saved her money she could buy pony food and a place for it to live.
She got a job. She worked forty hours a week steady and volunteered for all the overtime that came up. She also sold Tupperware on the weekends. Pretty soon she had enough savings to buy a few pony sized acres. She saved some more and built a cute little pony sized barn. She built a little hayloft and filled it with little pony sized bales of hay. She put in a watering trough. And, she ordered a nifty wooden pony cart with custom upholstery. She did everything she was supposed to do according to accepted pony regulations except of course, she was not a fancy princess.
She returned to the pony dealership and looked over the inventory, picking out a very pretty gray pony with white spots and shiny black hooves. "I'll take that one," she said to the pony dealer, pointing out her prize.
"No, you won't, " said the pony dealer, "You cannot have a pony."
"Why can't I have a damn pony?"
"It's not that you can't," the dealer said smugly, "It's that you're not a princess."
"Look, asshole," she began defiantly, "Ordinary girls in other countries get to have sweet little ponies and they're not princesses. I want a damn pony!"
"Ordinary girls do not have pony pastures."
"I do! I have several pony sized acres in the countryside!"
"Ordinary girls do not have stables."
"I do! I have built a snug little pony sized barn!"
"Ordinary girls do not have pony food."
"I do! I have a good supply of pony sized hay bales and more!"
"Fence?"
"Got it!"
"Trough?"
"Got it!"
"Pony cart?"
"GOT IT!"
The dealer gave the ordinary girl a sly look. "Crown?" he sneeringly asked.
The ordinary girl gave him the stink eye. "I do not have a crown but I WANT A DAMN PONY!"
The dealer sighed. "How about this...I'll allow you to rent one of my ponies. You can take it home, feed it, let it stay in your barn. But, the second you need to hitch it up to your pony cart and go anywhere, I'll be wanting my pony back."
The ordinary girl stared at the pony dealer very hard. "You know," she said tersely, "I only look stupid. I'm not gonna pay you cash money for the privilege of feeding and sheltering one of your ponies if you won't let me hitch it up to my pony cart and take a tool around the magical land."
"Then I suggest you get yourself a chicken because you ain't getting any pony from me....and don't bother asking any of the other sweet little pony dealers because we're a personhood now and we got rahts. We don't have to sell you nuh-thin'."
So, the ordinary girl got a chicken because she did not want her acres and barn to go for naught. Having a chicken was okay, but it was too small to pull the pony cart, so she planted flowers in the pony cart and parked it on the front lawn for decoration. As the time passed, she would stare at her free range chicken and think about how if she ever got sick, she could make chicken soup and it would make her feel better. But, if she ever got really, really sick, the chicken would do her no good at all, for the wee hen could not pull the pony cart loaded with flowers plus a terribly sick person to the Charity Hospital.
Nope. Having a chicken was just not going to fix anything.
"I want a damn pony!" the ordinary girl said for the seven hundred and eighty-sixth time.
Meanwhile, as the ordinary girl had been busy building her farm, the other ordinary girls had been taking notice of what was going on. At first they all laughed. But, when they saw all the hard work the ordinary girl was putting into her efforts to get a sweet little pony they began to go, "Hmmmm."
Pretty soon, they were talking amongst themselves and saying that they would each like to have a pony, too. And why could they not have a pony? Like it had been said before; it was not as if having a sweet little pony was against magical land law. The only reason they were denied a pony was because they were not fancy princesses.
That just didn't seem fair or equal or noble or honorable or even half way nice. Yep. The other ordinary girls began building their own pony farms and quite without them knowing it, a pony farm movement was born.
Now, the leader of the magical land had heard reports about the ordinary girl and her desire to have a sweet little pony. "Nothing will come of this," the leader's advisers advised, "It's been tried before. Fuhgedaboudit."
"We shall see," said the leader thoughtfully, and the leader kept an eye on the ordinary girl and how she built up her farm and how the other ordinary girls built up their farms and became quite vocal in their demands to have a damn pony. They had demonstrations and rallies and would march side by side with their chickens who were equipped with tiny pitchforks.
Truly, the ordinary girls and their movement could not be ignored and the leader thought some more, deciding that the ordinary girls were right to want sweet little ponies.
When the pony dealers heard which way the wind was blowing, they asked to speak to the leader. "You seriously can't be thinking of giving ponies to these ordinary girls, can you?" they bellowed.
The leader gave the dealers the stink eye. "Why? Would you have a problem with that if I did?"
"But...but....but, they're NOT princesses!"
"There is no magical land law that states that ordinary girls can NOT have a sweet little pony."
"But....but....but, we were working on a big plan to rent out our ponies to these girls and then snatch them back when they needed to go anywhere!"
"You know," said the leader, "That's mean. That's just flat ass mean. I really hate you guys. Get out of my castle and take that bad smell with ya."
The leader called all advisers for a conference. "Sweet little ponies are not exclusive to fancy princesses according to magical land law. Ordinary girls should have ponies, too. So should ordinary boys. Pony dealers smell bad and from now on they shall have to pay a bad smell tax if they want to stay in the pony business. If they do not like this deal and cannot make it work, well then, it's gonna suck to be them because I will just expand pony Magicare and pony Magicaid and all the pony dealers will be S.O.L. I would like you advisers to write up a decree stating this statement I have just stated and nail it to the castle door where everybody can read it." The leader looked worried for a second. "Um, Everybody in this magical land can read, can they not?"
"Everybody except the football players," the advisers advised.
"In that case, make it a pictograph," the leader declared and went fishing.
Of course, the ordinary girl was ecstatic when she learned she would be able to have a damn pony. All the ordinary people were happy. The fancy princesses were happy, too, but that was because most of them didn't know what was going on. After all, they already had their ponies and didn't give a crap.
The ordinary girl found a nice gray pony with white spots and shiny black hooves and took it home to live with her on her farm. She also kept the chicken for she had become very fond of it. She never made soup.
And so, they all lived happily ever after, even the pony dealers, because business was never better.
Well, happily ever after until it was time for immigration reform. Holy crap. I don't even wanna think about that.
The End
Of course, there were fancy princesses living in this land, too. Lots of 'em. And one could easily believe that the ordinary girls might be jealous of the fancy princesses, but it wasn't that way at all. Although, this particular ordinary girl secretly coveted a possession that all the fancy princesses had but the ordinary girls did not: a sweet little pony.
All the fancy princesses had a sweet little pony of their very own but the ordinary girls were ponyless. Completely and utterly ponyless. It was very sad, when you thought about the ponyless ordinary girls.
One day the ordinary girl whispered her secret desire to a group of friends. "I'd like a pony, too!"
Her friends laughed out loud. "What! Are you nuts? You can't have a pony! Yer just an ordinary girl and ordinary girls don't get to have sweet little ponies."
"But, I want one," she said, "And there's no reason I can't have one. It's not like it's against magical land law or anything for me to have a pony."
"Oh, there's tons of reasons you can't have a pony!" the friends exclaimed.
"Name one," the girl demanded, but the friends could not name one good reason why an ordinary girl could not have a pony. And, becoming emboldened by their silence, the ordinary girl marched right over to the nearest pony dealership and asked to see the dealer in charge.
"I would like a sweet little pony," she said clearly, "To go, please. And I would prefer a spotted one."
The dealer snorted, because he had seen this kind of demanding behavior before. "Show me yer princess crown and you'll get yer pony."
The ordinary girl frowned. "I do not have a crown. I'm not a fancy princess. I'm just an ordinary girl who wants a sweet little pony."
The dealer snorted again. "Look, kid. You can't have a pony because you don't have what it takes. Fancy princesses have acres and stables and silos with grain. They have sturdy fences and watering troughs and gold plated pony carts. They have what it takes to keep a pony." The dealer laughed in a very rude manner. "You, on the other hand, ain't got shit."
Well, this was true. So, the ordinary girl walked away, sad and dejected, until it occurred to her that if she worked hard and saved her money she could buy pony food and a place for it to live.
She got a job. She worked forty hours a week steady and volunteered for all the overtime that came up. She also sold Tupperware on the weekends. Pretty soon she had enough savings to buy a few pony sized acres. She saved some more and built a cute little pony sized barn. She built a little hayloft and filled it with little pony sized bales of hay. She put in a watering trough. And, she ordered a nifty wooden pony cart with custom upholstery. She did everything she was supposed to do according to accepted pony regulations except of course, she was not a fancy princess.
She returned to the pony dealership and looked over the inventory, picking out a very pretty gray pony with white spots and shiny black hooves. "I'll take that one," she said to the pony dealer, pointing out her prize.
"No, you won't, " said the pony dealer, "You cannot have a pony."
"Why can't I have a damn pony?"
"It's not that you can't," the dealer said smugly, "It's that you're not a princess."
"Look, asshole," she began defiantly, "Ordinary girls in other countries get to have sweet little ponies and they're not princesses. I want a damn pony!"
"Ordinary girls do not have pony pastures."
"I do! I have several pony sized acres in the countryside!"
"Ordinary girls do not have stables."
"I do! I have built a snug little pony sized barn!"
"Ordinary girls do not have pony food."
"I do! I have a good supply of pony sized hay bales and more!"
"Fence?"
"Got it!"
"Trough?"
"Got it!"
"Pony cart?"
"GOT IT!"
The dealer gave the ordinary girl a sly look. "Crown?" he sneeringly asked.
The ordinary girl gave him the stink eye. "I do not have a crown but I WANT A DAMN PONY!"
The dealer sighed. "How about this...I'll allow you to rent one of my ponies. You can take it home, feed it, let it stay in your barn. But, the second you need to hitch it up to your pony cart and go anywhere, I'll be wanting my pony back."
The ordinary girl stared at the pony dealer very hard. "You know," she said tersely, "I only look stupid. I'm not gonna pay you cash money for the privilege of feeding and sheltering one of your ponies if you won't let me hitch it up to my pony cart and take a tool around the magical land."
"Then I suggest you get yourself a chicken because you ain't getting any pony from me....and don't bother asking any of the other sweet little pony dealers because we're a personhood now and we got rahts. We don't have to sell you nuh-thin'."
So, the ordinary girl got a chicken because she did not want her acres and barn to go for naught. Having a chicken was okay, but it was too small to pull the pony cart, so she planted flowers in the pony cart and parked it on the front lawn for decoration. As the time passed, she would stare at her free range chicken and think about how if she ever got sick, she could make chicken soup and it would make her feel better. But, if she ever got really, really sick, the chicken would do her no good at all, for the wee hen could not pull the pony cart loaded with flowers plus a terribly sick person to the Charity Hospital.
Nope. Having a chicken was just not going to fix anything.
"I want a damn pony!" the ordinary girl said for the seven hundred and eighty-sixth time.
Meanwhile, as the ordinary girl had been busy building her farm, the other ordinary girls had been taking notice of what was going on. At first they all laughed. But, when they saw all the hard work the ordinary girl was putting into her efforts to get a sweet little pony they began to go, "Hmmmm."
Pretty soon, they were talking amongst themselves and saying that they would each like to have a pony, too. And why could they not have a pony? Like it had been said before; it was not as if having a sweet little pony was against magical land law. The only reason they were denied a pony was because they were not fancy princesses.
That just didn't seem fair or equal or noble or honorable or even half way nice. Yep. The other ordinary girls began building their own pony farms and quite without them knowing it, a pony farm movement was born.
Now, the leader of the magical land had heard reports about the ordinary girl and her desire to have a sweet little pony. "Nothing will come of this," the leader's advisers advised, "It's been tried before. Fuhgedaboudit."
"We shall see," said the leader thoughtfully, and the leader kept an eye on the ordinary girl and how she built up her farm and how the other ordinary girls built up their farms and became quite vocal in their demands to have a damn pony. They had demonstrations and rallies and would march side by side with their chickens who were equipped with tiny pitchforks.
Truly, the ordinary girls and their movement could not be ignored and the leader thought some more, deciding that the ordinary girls were right to want sweet little ponies.
When the pony dealers heard which way the wind was blowing, they asked to speak to the leader. "You seriously can't be thinking of giving ponies to these ordinary girls, can you?" they bellowed.
The leader gave the dealers the stink eye. "Why? Would you have a problem with that if I did?"
"But...but....but, they're NOT princesses!"
"There is no magical land law that states that ordinary girls can NOT have a sweet little pony."
"But....but....but, we were working on a big plan to rent out our ponies to these girls and then snatch them back when they needed to go anywhere!"
"You know," said the leader, "That's mean. That's just flat ass mean. I really hate you guys. Get out of my castle and take that bad smell with ya."
The leader called all advisers for a conference. "Sweet little ponies are not exclusive to fancy princesses according to magical land law. Ordinary girls should have ponies, too. So should ordinary boys. Pony dealers smell bad and from now on they shall have to pay a bad smell tax if they want to stay in the pony business. If they do not like this deal and cannot make it work, well then, it's gonna suck to be them because I will just expand pony Magicare and pony Magicaid and all the pony dealers will be S.O.L. I would like you advisers to write up a decree stating this statement I have just stated and nail it to the castle door where everybody can read it." The leader looked worried for a second. "Um, Everybody in this magical land can read, can they not?"
"Everybody except the football players," the advisers advised.
"In that case, make it a pictograph," the leader declared and went fishing.
Of course, the ordinary girl was ecstatic when she learned she would be able to have a damn pony. All the ordinary people were happy. The fancy princesses were happy, too, but that was because most of them didn't know what was going on. After all, they already had their ponies and didn't give a crap.
The ordinary girl found a nice gray pony with white spots and shiny black hooves and took it home to live with her on her farm. She also kept the chicken for she had become very fond of it. She never made soup.
And so, they all lived happily ever after, even the pony dealers, because business was never better.
Well, happily ever after until it was time for immigration reform. Holy crap. I don't even wanna think about that.
The End
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I hereby pony up to you the Dayly Blog of the Day Award for this here TPMCafe Site given to all of you from all of me.
Hilarious, heart warming, snarky, fairy talish...I mean I do feel a little sorry for football players though.
October 21, 2009 4:39 PM | Reply | Permalink
Don't worry, Dickon, they won't be able to read what Flower wrote about them.
October 21, 2009 4:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
hahahahahah
a horse is a horse of course of course and no one can have a horse of course unless its a pony...
October 21, 2009 5:41 PM | Reply | Permalink
On behalf of all my selves, I accept this here Dayly Blog of the Day Award, Mr. Day. And we thank you.
October 21, 2009 9:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
Good one, Flower. Thanks.
October 21, 2009 5:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
SUCKS TO BE THEM!! ;-)
October 21, 2009 6:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
Flower: I know this is a metaphor, but --
there is a real horse in this world who needs a retirement home, preferably tended by a good girl who is not a princess but is merely prepared to love him, shelter him and feed him, keeping him safe from the knacker, who looms.
I thought I would be that "girl" but my own circumstances are currently fraught.
Everest is a magnificent white horse, a former national champion jumper who needs a home before he is, in the middle of the night, send to the factory.
This is not hyperbole. This will happen, any day.
The night before I had to leave him, I spent the night in his stall, as he knickered and rubbed and "talked" to me.
All he wants is a box stall, clean water, what feed he may have and a paddock in which to move around, by day, preferably in the company of a pony, goat, or other companion.
Flower: I've known many horses in my day. Everest is, without exception, the best of them. An old soul, a mighty competitor, a gentle friend.
Can you help me find him a home?
I have tried to load photos that are, for some reason, not loading.
But I have many photos.
I would not ask this for myself because I can decide my fate. Everest cannot. He who is magificent is trapped. And possibly doomed.
Please help.
October 21, 2009 6:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Wendy, where is Everest living at the moment?
October 21, 2009 7:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
Flower:
Everest is currently in the barn of the school where I taught last year. He is maltreated, daily: because he was a champion jumper, they will not let him out of his stall, lest he jump their low paddock rails, which are not the three or four rail fences that would resolve the problem, but the two rail, sunken fences that merely tempt him as they look like the fences he was applauded, photographed and lauded for jumping when he was younger.
In consequence, he is never allowed out of his stall. Never mind that he has arthritis -- he is kept in a tight space, without any exercise, which is literally killing him.
Because he is no longer a profit center, winning prizes that garner photos that serve as a marketing tool, he is dead meat. No longer tested by the vet, nor shoed by the ferrier. Condemned to maintenance hay, when he needs oats and preferably vitamins. His companion horse, of similar age and reputation, was hauled off at 3am three weeks ago, in the middle of the night lest his removal upset the students.
Flower: you may not have the answer, but will you help me find the answer? This is an animal worth saving, for the good of our souls as well as his welfare.
October 21, 2009 7:36 PM | Reply | Permalink
I will do my best for this horse, Wendy.
First, I would look close to the home of Everest. Were any of the students fond of him? Showed him extra kindness? The families of these students might be interested in helping.
I have to ask if the school would be willing to surrender the horse without any recompense? Those willing to give him a new home might have the ability to provide shelter, excersise and nutrition, but not have an initial outlay of cash.
The next step would be local animal welfare groups. Call the animal shelter....they might be able to give you information on local horse rescue groups. Even our little county animal shelter have folks on call that will foster horses and other large animals until they can find permanent homes. Get out the online phone book for the area and look up equine veterinarians. They could have some leads for you. Even the farriers might know of someone.
After that, try Googling horse rescue groups for his location, working outward geographically. Petfinders dot com is another option. They are nationwide.
In the meantime, is there some way you could do a write-up of Everest and submit it to the local paper? Human...er, Horse Interest Story. An op-ed maybe?
Suggestions are all I have, Wendy. I will keep thinking on this.
October 21, 2009 8:58 PM | Reply | Permalink
Flower:
I'm so sorry that I have burdened you with my issue.
Just so you know: I have contacted all the school "horse" families who were likely candidates for adoption. I have also researched the horse retirement network and have come up short -- all, not some of them, have had the same response: " a year ago, we could have placed Everest easily, but with the downturn in the economy, many younger horses are being offered, as the expense to keep them is more than many people who could afford the expense, before, simply cannot afford it now; in consequence, we are being offered horses who are still viable for resale or for lease; therefore, we cannot take on a horse past his prime, no matter how distinguished....."
I am not without horse resources of my own; I have contacted every horsewoman I know, in the south, in the north and in Canada, asking if any of them can take Everest. The answer is always the same: " a year ago, we might have..... but now......"
In answer to your question, Everest is available, at no cost, if the person who adopts him will only pay for his transport to his new farm. I will pay that transport. But I cannot pay his monthly bill, at least as reckoned by impersonal barns focused on the bottom line.
Everest needs a field, a paddock, a companion animal and a chance to die in "clover." Nothing more. Nothing less.
I will hire a trailer and drive him myself to any place that offers him a good place to end his days.
Picture this: I am 5'6"; I can stand under his throat with inches to spare. But that is not the point. The point is his great heart. The heart that moves him to lower his great head to rub my neck.... as he would rub the neck of anyone who recognized him, who related to him, who connected with him.
The world is cruel. We pretend that we are at the top of the food chain, that our wants and our needs must take precedence.
It's not true. There are creatures, great as Everest is, and small -- you name the one -- who shame us with their valor.
I may sound demented, or pitiful to many, but I know magnificence when I see it.
Help me help him.
October 22, 2009 6:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yeah but first I wanted a puppy and 'now' I have a wonderful puppy.
But now that I have been able to get my puppy I really want a horse.
See how it goes...
October 21, 2009 9:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
When all the ordinary girls are ponyless, there is no magic.
Brilliant! Thank you for laying it out so creatively. Loved it!
October 22, 2009 12:20 PM | Reply | Permalink