So, I'm at the Kmart in woman's underwear...well, I should hope so.  I don't think I'd ever be desperate enough for clean underpants to put on a pair of Mr.Flowerchild's tighty whiteys.
 
Lemme start again.

I'm in the womans intimate section...hmmm.  That doesn't sound right, either.

One more time.

I am standing in the Intimate Apparel section of the local Kmart about to purchase some intimate apparel.

Alrighty then, now my pistons are sorta firing in order.  Ahem.

I have some birthday money that's been burning a hole in my pocket since, well, since my birthday.  I have been waiting for my Kmart employed cousin to tell me that my favorite draws have gone on sale because I want the biggest bang for my incendiary fortune.  I get the word and off I go.

As per the sale, I can afford one package of underpants and get another one for half price and I still have enough cash left over to buy a sports bra, which I have recently begun wearing for the ahhhhhh value.  I am feeling rather pleased with myself because there is still money for a Reese's Peanut Butter cup at the check out.  Life tastes pretty good today.

I'm on my way out of ladies panties when...hmmm.   Scratch that.  As I am leaving the the Intimate Apparel section, a sales sign catches my eye....which is exactly its function, is it not?  

Well, the sign says 'Shapewear on Sale'.  Hmmm.   I have to wonder,  just what the hell is shapewear?

Now truly, I don't do much clothes shopping, I do not pay attention to the advertising, so me not knowing what shapewear is really isn't surprising.  The only glossy magazine I read is Birds & Blooms so I am not up on the latest fashion trends spilling across the pages of fashion mags.  In fact,  I completely missed the belly shirt craze a few years back.  I still am not sure what they were.  Do I even want to know?   Shapewear is new to me.   So, I go take a look.  Because, you know, I like to learn something new everyday.  Well, today I learn that shapewear is a girdle.

For cryin' out loud.  Why can't they just call it what it is?   It's a girdle, folks.  Yeah, it's a funny looking, funny sounding word, but everybody knows what it is.  It's a devious control device worn by women who are just too busy to suck in their belly all day.

Shapewear, my ass.  Well, actually, you can buy an ass now if you don't have one of your own. They sew padding right into the back of the girdles so you can have a pretend butt.   I am so fortunate to not have this problem.  I am able to supply myself with a real ass and even have some left over, you know, for emergencies and stuff.

Anyhoo...girdles.  In high school, all the girls wore them.  Had to.  Ankle socks were so unhip, the pantyhose revolution had not yet begun, and we had to hold up our nylons somehow.  Most of us girls weren't allowed to wear garter belts because garter belts were, you know, naughty.  Strippers wore garter belts.  High school girls wore girdles.  Midwestern values are tricky.  You gotta watch what you're doing every second or you will end up in BIG TROUBLE LIKE YOUR SISTER!!!!

I reckon there might be a few of us here that still remember those damn latches attached to elastic bands that dangled off the bottom edge of our girdles.  Weren't they a joy?  First of all, you had to be a Chinese acrobat to get the back ones fastened to the tops of your nylons.  And nylon, by its very nature, is a slippery bitch, and at some point during the day, it would slip out of its rubber and metal latch, causing the garter to haul back and snap you in the ass.

You know, I kinda miss that part...

But, I digress....

So. Where am I?

Oh, yeah.  I'm at the Kmart staring at the shapewear and feeling a little cheated because everything old is new again, like the song goes.   Grandma wore a corset, I wore a girdle, and my daughter wears shapewear.

Whatever name you give it, however you spin the advertising, it's still the same damn thing.

Have a nice day, please.