Things That Piss Me Off About Campaigning
Hey guys. I'm just checking in from PA on TPM, and thought I'd hit the blog for a short piece. As if you're interested! Just kidding. I know you are. This site is 24/7 on Obama versus you-know-who, and don't think I don't feel the love. I do. I feel most recommended. So anyhow, without further ado, here are a few random thoughts from your tired nominee-to-be . . .
Ax said you might appreciate it if I went with some-day-in- the-life thing, to help me connect with voters, by being more down to earth. But Plouffe mentioned the other day that anger is a way to, you know, connect with voters too. So I thought I'd compromise, and give you . . . Things That Piss Me Off About Campaigning. And there are a few. In no particular order . . .
Hard to find decent food in rural America. Now I know why they're so pissed off and bitter, and why Hillary wears pantsuits that get wider every few months. There's almost no good food in rural America, and what good food there is will kill you in a few weeks. You know what I mean? I like ribs fine, but that's a comfort food. I save that for special occasions, like chocolate cake. And beer is actually very caloric -- which kills when you stop eight times in western Pennsylvania in a day, and everyone's handing you suds. You know that bowling alley with the 37 (in eight frames, by the way)? I went back to the bar and asked for a Cabernet. The guy looks at me like I'm kidding, and I'm watching his hands to see if he's going to pull a bottle back there, and he's just looking at me . . . so I get this big smile and say "AHH! Gotcha! Just gimme a Rolling Rock." And he laughs, like I was kidding to begin with. Fuckin' Rolling Rock sucks. Even a Sam Adams, but Rolling Rock . . . but I digress.
Another campaign piss off is in debates, which you may have noticed, since it seems like you guys are pretty clued in to this campaign, when Hillary interrupts. And I mean interrupts. She interrupts me, Russert, whoever they put in there, she. Just. Keeps. Talking. Like we didn't agree to time limits or anything. The real reason we can't nominate her is she'll end up serving the first six year term. She just won't stop, and it'll be your fault if you ask her to. Trust me on this. Been there, done that.
Another thing that pisses me off about campaigning is how in every news cycle they run the same stuff. I mentioned this in my speech about my pastor -- I said we could spend every day between now and November talking about his statements -- because the media has dog with red meat syndrome. I said one, you know, kind of dumb thing a week ago, and it's like clothing that can't escape from a permanent dryer. It spins, and spins, and spins. Ax keeps feeding me the polls on a Blackberry, and I seem to be doing ok. Hasn't McCain said anything stupid lately? People say the media's in the tank for me, but John calls his wife stuff that would get me murdered in my sleep with a nail gun, and no one cares. I don't take lobbyist money, and he takes the lobbyist money, and takes some lobbyists to boot, but it's all -- your racist pastor thing, your comments at a private fundraiser. Whatever. It's like you have to fight in a war or something to be immune from criticism. Go figure.
One other thing. Why does Guam get delegates? I seriously didn't know it was still in America, and I don't think anyone in America, or half the folks in Guam knew either. Are we worried about losing the Guam vote in the fall? Because last time I checked, it doesn't get votes in the general anyway. It's not like there's some kind of big Guamanian lobby in one swing state or something. So I don't know what's up with that. But as long as no one asks me to get in a plane for ten hours, I suppose it doesn't actually piss me off. More idle curiosity. But if you ask me, Guam doesn't need four more years of failed policies that have hurt Guam homeowners, and led Guam into a war that should never have been authorized. Or something like that. I'm tired.
One last point. Excuse the lack of segue, everyone, but get a life, Howard Kurtz. You just flat out piss me off. Cilizza is fine. Robinson is fine. E.J. Dionne is downright cool. But Howard Kurtz is not. The Washington Post can do better. No wonder that guy writes columns that rehash everyone else's columns. Who would talk to him? I for one will not, not if I have to spend two four year terms in D.C.
I don't want to end on a negative, TPM gang, because you're such loyal supporters. I mean, this whole site is in the tank for me (just kidding!) and I do appreciate it.
Keep the faith, everyone. Tell everyone if we keep it to ten or under in PA, it was a blowout win! :) Anyhow, BHO . . . I mean, Fauxbama, will be checking in from time to time. Over and out --
Ax said you might appreciate it if I went with some-day-in- the-life thing, to help me connect with voters, by being more down to earth. But Plouffe mentioned the other day that anger is a way to, you know, connect with voters too. So I thought I'd compromise, and give you . . . Things That Piss Me Off About Campaigning. And there are a few. In no particular order . . .
Hard to find decent food in rural America. Now I know why they're so pissed off and bitter, and why Hillary wears pantsuits that get wider every few months. There's almost no good food in rural America, and what good food there is will kill you in a few weeks. You know what I mean? I like ribs fine, but that's a comfort food. I save that for special occasions, like chocolate cake. And beer is actually very caloric -- which kills when you stop eight times in western Pennsylvania in a day, and everyone's handing you suds. You know that bowling alley with the 37 (in eight frames, by the way)? I went back to the bar and asked for a Cabernet. The guy looks at me like I'm kidding, and I'm watching his hands to see if he's going to pull a bottle back there, and he's just looking at me . . . so I get this big smile and say "AHH! Gotcha! Just gimme a Rolling Rock." And he laughs, like I was kidding to begin with. Fuckin' Rolling Rock sucks. Even a Sam Adams, but Rolling Rock . . . but I digress.
Another campaign piss off is in debates, which you may have noticed, since it seems like you guys are pretty clued in to this campaign, when Hillary interrupts. And I mean interrupts. She interrupts me, Russert, whoever they put in there, she. Just. Keeps. Talking. Like we didn't agree to time limits or anything. The real reason we can't nominate her is she'll end up serving the first six year term. She just won't stop, and it'll be your fault if you ask her to. Trust me on this. Been there, done that.
Another thing that pisses me off about campaigning is how in every news cycle they run the same stuff. I mentioned this in my speech about my pastor -- I said we could spend every day between now and November talking about his statements -- because the media has dog with red meat syndrome. I said one, you know, kind of dumb thing a week ago, and it's like clothing that can't escape from a permanent dryer. It spins, and spins, and spins. Ax keeps feeding me the polls on a Blackberry, and I seem to be doing ok. Hasn't McCain said anything stupid lately? People say the media's in the tank for me, but John calls his wife stuff that would get me murdered in my sleep with a nail gun, and no one cares. I don't take lobbyist money, and he takes the lobbyist money, and takes some lobbyists to boot, but it's all -- your racist pastor thing, your comments at a private fundraiser. Whatever. It's like you have to fight in a war or something to be immune from criticism. Go figure.
One other thing. Why does Guam get delegates? I seriously didn't know it was still in America, and I don't think anyone in America, or half the folks in Guam knew either. Are we worried about losing the Guam vote in the fall? Because last time I checked, it doesn't get votes in the general anyway. It's not like there's some kind of big Guamanian lobby in one swing state or something. So I don't know what's up with that. But as long as no one asks me to get in a plane for ten hours, I suppose it doesn't actually piss me off. More idle curiosity. But if you ask me, Guam doesn't need four more years of failed policies that have hurt Guam homeowners, and led Guam into a war that should never have been authorized. Or something like that. I'm tired.
One last point. Excuse the lack of segue, everyone, but get a life, Howard Kurtz. You just flat out piss me off. Cilizza is fine. Robinson is fine. E.J. Dionne is downright cool. But Howard Kurtz is not. The Washington Post can do better. No wonder that guy writes columns that rehash everyone else's columns. Who would talk to him? I for one will not, not if I have to spend two four year terms in D.C.
I don't want to end on a negative, TPM gang, because you're such loyal supporters. I mean, this whole site is in the tank for me (just kidding!) and I do appreciate it.
Keep the faith, everyone. Tell everyone if we keep it to ten or under in PA, it was a blowout win! :) Anyhow, BHO . . . I mean, Fauxbama, will be checking in from time to time. Over and out --
