I Am Eric the Lawyer
Well, folks, it's beginning to look like the beginning of the end. By that, I mean that it is increasingly likely "that one" black guy with the big ears and the funny name is going to be the President of the United States. To make matters worse, the party of Roosevelt and Kennedy appears to be on the brink of a filibuster-proof majority.
We all know what calamities we are likely to witness starting next January... Those damned progressives are going to push their beliefs into American law. Somebody save us!!! The protection of labor rights? Strong regulation of large corporations? Government-backed green environmental policy? You know what that means -- fair labor and pay standards, the end of the era of monopolies and golden parachutes for C.E.O.'s, the end of dependence on fossil fuels and the reversal of global warming... Can you imagine? And don't get me started on the fact that they might reduce the national debt, end the Iraq War, stop spying on American citizens, and halt the illegal imprisonment and torture. They actually want the U.S. to regain its respect in the international community... even from Our Mortal Enemy (Spain) and **audible gasp** France!!! The nerve of those people...
As if that wasn't enough, the liberals are going to force their social agenda on everyone. They'll inject freedom of thought and speech into schools. They'll try to give equal rights to everyone -- race, religion, and sexual orientation be damned. How dare they allow gay people to have the same rights to get married and not get laid anymore like the rest of us!?! What will we tell the children? More specifically, what will I tell my biracial children when they come home from school and announce that their best friend is a Buddhist with two mommies and they're okay with that? What will we do when all children believe evolution is real, and the only difference is that some of them believe their God set it in motion and others don't?
Seriously, what will we do when nobody believes that the earth is only five thousand years old??? "Land of the Lost" is totally ruined for me now... and God forbid that my childrens' school give demonstrations on contraception. Everyone knows that teenagers would all be abstinent until marriage but for their chubby, mustachioed gym teacher showing them how to put a condom on a cucumber (I still get all hot and bothered when I pass through the produce aisle of my local grocer)...
We're on the precipice here, boys and girls. I better get my passport in order, because I'm not sure I can stick around for eight or even four years of the use of rationality and common sense in the U.S. Government. Oh, the humanity!!!
I am Eric the Lawyer, and I approve this message.
