Because we will.  If we have to, we will.  And it will be all your fault.  Believe it, buddy.

See, we were fine with it.  We were.  Because we had it knocked.  We did.  So a few electoral reversals came down the pike... it's going to happen.  We knew it.  We rolled with it.  The country was confused, our own base was disillusioned, we didn't handle our Presidential primary as well as we could have, we lost focus for a few crucial seconds.  All that gay stuff, that prick Larry Craig, that sonofabitch Foley, it hurt us bad.  Plus, we got the greatest military in the world and we can't beat a bunch of goddam towelheads, I mean, look, we don't really WANT to win, we're making a lot of money off this nice little war, but it's not like we can explain that to the rubes, you dig?  So all that took its toll.

Also, we underestimated the opposition, although, you know, given the givens, that's understandable.  I mean, it's not like anyone really seriously expected some colored guy to win, right?  I mean, be serious.

So in 'Six you guys got back a pretty thin majority in both Houses of Congress.  And then in 'Eight you brought it up some, and got one of your boys (heh, see what I did there?) into the White House, too.  No biggie.  Momentary lapse of reason on the part of the electorate.  We'd get it back.  And in the meantime, there was no way you or your shiny new black President were going to get anything through Congress while we were the minority.  Noooo way, Jose. We perfected the fine art of obstructionism back under our man Newt.   Gridlock is our middle name.   We'd just lock up everything you tried to move for a couple of years, then take back our majorities and gear up to boot your uppity shoeshine boy straight the hell out of our White House again in 'Twelve.  Nooooo problemo.

But suddenly you sonsabitches wouldn't play the game.   You're supposed to be bi-partisan, you're supposed to reach across the aisle, you're supposed to let us fuck with you.  And you wouldn't.  Goddam you, for thirty years we've absolutely owned your miserable liberal Democrat asses, and now, all of sudden, out of the clear blue sky, you're growing a backbone on us?   Excuse me?  What's up with that?

You won't let us tie up bills in committee.  You don't care when we mobilize our base.  You issue press releases that actually correct our press releases, and the goddam media actually prints your nonsense.  And takes it seriously.  I mean, what the hell is that? Listen, maybe you didn't get the memo, all that liberal media nonsense?  That was just b.s. we came up with to make the TV stations feel sorry for us.  The media has always been conservative, they've ALWAYS been on our side, that's our media,  we own them, you guys need to leave them alone.  Okay?  Capiche? Just keep your grubby hands off our press flacks, you dig?  What, all of a sudden this is too much to ask?

But okay, okay, whatever.  You're bitches, you're little punks, you suddenly got no appreciation for how we do things, you think you're big now and you've got hair on your balls and don't have to listen any more.  But that's fine.  We still got your number.  We know where you suckers live.

So we bring it.  All the stuff that's always worked before.  You're soft on defense, you're making the country less safe, you're cutting back on military spending, you're socialist, you're communist, you're fascist, you love homos, oh God how you love the homos.  This is the good stuff, the solid stuff, the stuff that always works.  This is what always brings the weak sisters in your coalition over to the right side of the fence, those Blue Dogs who are from mostly conservative districts, we dog whistle and they jump up and bark, yessir.  This will give us the muscle to block votes, to stall legislation, to filibuster without having to actually, y'know, filibuster.   Maybe even win a few votes, you never know, weirder things have happened.  But definitely we can lock you up now.

Except, I don't know, that bitch Pelosi, that wimp Harry Reid, that sonofabitch Obama, they did something.  I don't know what.  Some kinda liberal voodoo bullshit.  Something.  We're saying all this stuff, it's all good stuff, it's the stuff that always works, we got our boy Rush out there pushing this crap 24/7, and Hannity, and Bill-o, and we even got that crazy man Beck pushing all the really nutso stuff like Obama's not an American, the Democrats are gonna throw all the right wingers into concentration camps, all that b.s.... and nothing. 

We got nothing.  Zero, zip, zilch, nada.  Great big goose egg.  Donut, baby. Nobody cares.  Nobody's listening.  I mean, yeah, the usual nuts are eating it up like Cheetohs, but, it's like, nobody cares about them any more.   Nobody CARES.  About all the right wing loonies!  I mean, how is that even possible?

So we're doing this tea party thing.  Great big nationwide grassroots movement dealio.  Can't ignore that, right?  It's in your face, it's populist, it's a protest march, all the hippies love a protest march.  Except it's like everybody knows it's fake, it's Fox News, it's astroturf... no, it's weirder than that, it's like, everybody knows, and people actually care.  I mean, what is that?

So it's like that guy Venckman says, the usual stuff isn't working.  What do we do?  Okay, I know, I know, maybe it's a little controversial, but what choice do we have?  You're not going for it, you're not playing ball, you're leaving us no choice.  So we escalate.  We ratchet it up.  We let the dogs out.  We're talking about armed revolution, we're talking about secession.  We're whipping up the hoi polloi, because it's what we've got to do.   Dirty Mexican gangsters bringing drug war violence over our borders.  Yeah, it's b.s., sure it is, but you know that's going to get people all stirred up, right?

Do we want to secede from the Grand Ol' Union?  Of course not.  We're Americans, we're proud Americans, we're loyal, dutiful Americans, we're patriotic, God fearing Americans, but, you know, if you people aren't going to listen to  us, if you're going to pass laws saying we can't make as much money bilking the poor and middle class as we want to, if you're going to keep marginalizing our base and raising our taxes and closing our loopholes and seizing our overseas assets and trying to tell us how we can do business and all that crap.. I mean, seriously, if you goddam Democrats are going to start playing hardball with us like this... well, we're not gonna take it.  Never did and never will.  The great nation of Texas will do right by us, President Norris has already guaranteed that the middle class will pay all the taxes, the poor will all mow our lawns for us, and we'll be allowed to steal the place blind through an extremely... eh... understanding... government procurement process.

Don't make us do it.  We will if we have to.  We'll bring the whole kit and kaboodle down in a smoking heap o'rubble.  And if we do it, it will be all your fault. Because you wouldn't play ball.

Bet we can get Nevada, New Mexico, and Arizona to come in with us, too.  You can keep that damn Louisiana, though.  They're nothing but trouble.  Whiney little bastards.