dd,

So heartfelt and wonderous are your posts.

Over the last year, you have evoked many emotions from all - but for me, today, I am overwhelmed with too many feelings to reiterate after reading your post.

I just want to reach out and hug you close and whisper in your ear how much I admire and appreciate you. Every damn day!

(But, if I was close enough, I would also chastise you for making me cry.)

I need to reread this and maybe digest it a bit. Until then, well done.

I'll return...

The great B.N. Duncan, whose photographs documented the uniquely subversive street people of Berkeley, died in June, and will be missed by everyone who saw his photos, or walked the pavement of Telegraph Avenue he knew so well.

I moved to the Bay Area in the grim fall of 1978, when the Peoples Temple holocaust and Milk-Moscone killings made the one-time paradise of the counterculture seem a metaphor for all forlorn hopes and dreams gone MIA. But once, walking down Market Street, a grizzled denizen bummed a smoke and left me with, "To be afraid of death is to be afraid of change." I've never forgotten him, his rare tailoring, or his simple but punchy quote.

Change gets us all in the end. Amid our soured ambition and crashed prosperity, there is something very praiseworthy about those who remind us a life can be shorn of possessions and routine - and still be worth living. They are the sunbeams in our valley of shadows, as are you on this site, dd.

Strange; my mother died nearly two years ago, but when I read the title of your post she could have been in the next room.

Shame on you--what a powerful motivator. I guess I turned out o.k., either because of it or despite it.

Gave it a bit o' thought, DD. And it dawned on me that I was raised Catholic, and thus have some knowledge of the concept.

The difference between guilt and shame is simple. Guilt means "I did something wrong." Shame means "There is something wrong with me."

Guilt, if it's addressed and rectified, can pass. Shame tends to become internalized. I know a lot of messed-up post-Catholics. And more than a few that, after some struggle, have made their way through to being rather saner heathens.

Yes, I know - I'm wandering a bit.

There are things wrong with some of us, to be sure. Fear, ignorance, racism, hatred - in their many forms they plague us.

Perhaps the most common thing "wrong with us" is the simple indifference to the well-being (or not) of others. And it is one from which much of the above-mentioned list of problems flows.

It does not fall to us equally to make things better. Some of us have the chance and ability to effect such change. More of us do not. It is to those of us who are off here on the sides and in the corners, whatever our situation, we are obliged at the very least to not make things worse. Not one bit, not for even one person.

Some time ago, a wise woman - born of the same mother, and by far the "good one" of the family - pointed out that love and hate are not, as many would think, opposites. Indifference is the opposite of both.

Still wandering...

There is no shame in being wrong, in being in unfortunate circumstances, in not knowing, or in so many other things.

The shame is found in persisting in being wrong, in letting others linger in their circumstances, in refusing to know...

At that point, yes, there is something wrong inside.

I am also reminded of a columnist I used to read, years ago, in the Chicago papers. Sydney J. Harris was his name. What he could put into eight grafs - and to do so five days a week for decades!

He recounted, one day, his own impressions of Christ, to this extent: The man we now know as Jesus was absolutely demanding of himself, and absolutely forgiving of others. And even back in the 70's and 80's, he noted the tendency of most self-styled adherents of this man to conduct themselves in quite the opposite manner. They demanded of others and forgave themselves.

Given the choice, I'd prefer the company of Christ to the company of most Christians, I suspect. And there's no shame in that...

(OK, wandering over - we now return to our regularly scheduled interruptions.)

Oh DD - how you have touched me tonight - I thank you for sharing your inner self with us - there is no shame in that and no shame in being loved by so many....keep those who love you in your heart and remember, those who have good friends have riches beyond compare. Love ya much.

When I worked in San Franciso, I 'adopted,' kinda, 3 homeless men, 2 Korea and 1 Vietnam Vet.

Since my mom was a VA nurse, my heart about broke, but all these men were sweet, and always had stories worth listening to. There was the old white haired man at the top of the escalator at Embarcadero Bart Station, and every day I'd listen to one of his marvelous short stories, and hand him a bill or two. Right past my favorite coffee kiosk (called Jitters-heh), there was an older black man that I always handed a few cigs to, and have a few puffs with, (I later found out that he and the old man at the top of the escalator were buddies, they told me so, I still have a little pin they bought me-a silver slipper).

Then there was the Vietnam vet. He was younger and very attractive to me. I saw him less often, but when I did, we'd always walked over to Jitters, and ask where he'd been over a latte. We Then he'd walk me most of the way to work. He was interesting and always talked about esoteric things. I knew he had to have studied philosophy, possibly. One day, I dunno how we got on the subject, he said something about wishing he had socks. I looked at him hard and long, and repeated, "Socks?" So I handed him a $5.00 bill and said, "The next time I see you, I'd better see some socks."

I didn't see him for a month or so. I worried a little, like I'd worry about the other two, but their absences were never that long. One morning, I saw him up the street, looking like he was in a hurry. He didn't stop for coffee, but he paused in the middle of Spear Street, lifted his pant leg, and pointed.

Bright white tube socks.

DD

The mirror, the mirror; the mirror points back at us.

M. Paul

Hell, dick, I'm just glad you scoured up your filthy apartment! I also loved "I am ashamed that my clothes could not make me look worse, as if that were possible." It reminded me of "Lulu slept naked beneath the sheets, as she liked the feel of the satin agianst her skin; and also because laundry was expensive."--Sartre )best opening line ever.) Sorry, ever since Fred's post, I'm trying to use Capital Letters, too. It's hard work.

How cool is it that you helped us by your conscious writing, and had your own epiphany as a result?

The great ones say: "I paint because I can't NOT paint; I write because I can't stop writing." (Insert composing music, any art...) And any shrink who would diss you for your addiction to words would be an utter asshat. Keep it up, you Old Pillar of TPM Cafe!

Thanks dickday for another touching post.Because we respect you so,when you open yourself up you free us to do likewise.Ive never seen OG say so much and what he said was profound.How many days will I mull over that statement about the difference between of shame and guilt? All the times I was shamed as a child,it was not not out of meanness ,but out of ignorance on their part.Now I can see,I may have been guilty but there was not something wrong with me,thank you for that knowledge Old Grouch. What a cruel thing to shame a person,especially a child, what wounds and afflictions it causes to the personality. The implantation of the seeds of timidness and low self esteem. The opposite is so much better, and that is to find a friend who really loves you, because it liberates you, free not to ever be ashamed in their presence,and that is so very comfortable.

Here's something important about shame. We all have to deal with it, of course. But it's HOW we deal with it that matters. You, dd, have always admitted it. And I think that's one of the reason we all love you so much. You're willing to openly say things - and so often they give others space to be more honest and open as well.

There are about 4 ways to deal with shame. The best way is to admit it. Even it you don't say it out loud, admitting it is the healthiest thing any one of us can do. Burying it, as our dear Grouch said, can be very harmful to oneself - it eats away at your self-esteem. But there are 2 other ways of dealing with shame that are harmful to others. One is to inflict it on others - to deliberately shame them. And the other is to turn shame into rage.

I apologize for that little lecture. But shame is probably the deepest and hardest thing anyone I've ever worked with has had to deal with. It takes people a long time to reveal shame. In other words, they're often ashamed to even admit to shame. (When I say it's the deepest and hardest, I mean that for those who've suffered the most, it's the shame of it that cuts deepest.)

In some ways I think this post, dd, is very timely. Because I can't help but think that some of the political antics of the hooligans and thugs is coming from people that are inflicting their own shame onto people seeking health care and those trying to help them. I can't even fathom all the dynamics of that - but I suspect it's operating. And it's an insidious tactic being used. It's corrosive to society, corrosive to the democratic process. And it's a cynical manipulation of emotionally troubled, ashamed people (projecting it onto "enemies" - in an effort to rid themselves of it). How many of those protesters, making fools of themselves in public, will one day feel ashamed that their behavior was captured on TV - for posterity!

As you say Dd natural shame is just a simple acknowledgment that we feel badly about something we have done. It is healthy and helps us to make better decisions, different choices.

I will share something I have learned from shame...

I do not have power over and control over as much as I would like to pretend...

and to do so, to try to take responsibility for things beyond my control, is prideful and arrogant, it is not 'always' good and appropriate to try to take responsibility.

DD, thanks for sharing this. I can't tell you how moving and timely I find this post (and all the wisdom shared by the commenter(particularly OG).

Thanks,

Unjustifiably harming someone without shame is universally recognized as dysfunctional. Harming an entire nation without shame is criminally dysfunctional.

Shorter dickday: “Shame? Hahahaha…” But, you open eyes to how seemingly insurmountable obstacles can feel from the inside with your writing. (Besides, I imagine both Bob Dylan and Dylan Thomas had English teachers that bled red over their baby-steps into pantheonic poetry).

I feel my story isn’t too different from yours though I don’t really know your story. I just got back from 'the valley below' but read stuff like this and know we’re all human, and suffering somehow, sometime. How am I busted? Let me count the ways.

Shame (and its bundle of sadness/anger/anxiety/frustration) can overwhelm us at times, but its corollary, pride (not braggadocio but rightness) in something we’ve done or in others we love or in artists, philosophers and writers we’ve placed faith in, will always trump that misery. Even you and all the great commenters here- discombobulated digitally-transmitted voices- bring solace, reminding us that people are human. Keep on truckin’ brother, as they used to say. Thanks for the quotes. Thanks for your boundless empathy.

I really can't agree with this T.T. Ching guy, Dick. Shame is never really about what others think. Or if so, only derivatively. It's always ultimately about the stuff you mention at the end - condition, inability, in a sense a loss of autonomy: not being able to take care of yourself, control yourself, or decide for yourself. When we feel shame before others, or because we lose 'status' one way or another, what we're ultimately anguishing over is the inability to alter or affect how others see us, or maybe because we come to think there's something right in how the others see us. It's always about our own judgment about ourselves. And the space for shame is created by the gap between what we think we ought to be able to control, and how far we fall short of that standard. Shame wedges itself into that gap. And in it's more destructive variety, itself serves to open up that gap even more until it becomes a debilitating black hole.

I don't know if this gibberish makes much sense. But that is the sense I get of it, also in my own experience. I've got a gradually progressing but largely invisible autoimmune condition called ankylosing spondylitis. Wasn't diagnosed correctly for a few years and was put down to 'back pain'. And during that time, when I'd walk out into the street, could barely walk straight, had an ungodly grimace on my face trying to breathe normally without the pain driving me insane, I felt utterly out of control. And it was shameful because I felt I should have been able to control it - what a pussy with mundane back problems like every other person in the world. It still does drive me insane every now and then, and it'll show up in my occasionally insane crap on these threads, but largely I've got a better sense of what I can and can't control, and how to go about it. Now, when it takes me ten minutes to get out of a chair, I can laugh about it. And when you find the limits to your autonomy on one side, and need help with some basic matter most people can handle on their own, you also open more up to how limitless your autonomy can be in helping others where they find themselves up against their own personal limits. We all have our own walls to climb.

Great blog, Dead Eye. I feel much the same way as you do about this place.

Having been addicted to words my whole life, a site like this was a natural fit for my political awakening as well as my love of writing. I would say the response to your words, as many of them as I disagree with personally, should be proof enough you are in the right place to hone your talents.

As to shame and guilt, I have a strict no baggage policy. I resolved a long time ago that I would be the sum of my triumphs instead of the victim of my tragedies. Seems to be working so far. I have never read the Tao Te Ching, but those sentiments certainly resonate with my own personal journey so far.

Namaste.

Mr. Day, I am disoriented, I have to admit that. You are the best damn guy, of that I am sure. If you are running yourself down, you shouldn't be, that's nowhere. That's no good.

I thought I followed what that grumpy Grouch was saying, but only partly.

I am very happy to have your friendship and grateful for your wisdom and your criticism and your humor and your wit and your anger when it's apt, which is often. I respect you greatly and I am always happy to be in your electromagnetic presence, friend.

Best always,
O.T.

D, I'm honored to be a small part of this marvelous quilt that you weave for us, and to be called among your friends.

And don't worry too much about cleaning up, in the Cafe we have a place where we will not be judged by the smell of our shorts, or by the dirt under our nails, but by the content of our blogs!

Now to your point....3 ideas bubbling on the burner, slowly reaching a boil. Thanks for lending me your stove.

Beautiful, DD. Just damn beautiful.

to know shame, you must have some values, and the ability of introspection - so it is not all a bad thing. Shame can be a motivator, if the shame is for the right reasons.

I feel ashamed of the polarization of wealth in this country, where my Jewish lessons in tzedakah give me a foundation in liberalism. I don't think that when I was born I deserved my college-grad, middle class parents anymore than my best friend deserved a mentally ill, drug addicted single mom.

When I walk around my neighborhood, I am ashamed that we have beautiful potted plants maintained by the neighborhood, and right across the street are people without jobs, food, homes or a change of clothes.

It disgusts me to see the priorities of this selfish country. I despise Republicans b/c they honestly think they are better and more important, more deserving than others, and they would rather take care of flowers than people.

When arguing for socialized Healthcare, I invoke the fire dept, and ask: are houses more important than the people in them?

TheraP - many thanks for the kind comments.

Dick - One duality is fear vs. trust.