Now I grew up in a home with a mom, a dad (for awhile anyway) and fourteen or fifteen siblings.  It is hard to give you the exact number really.  I mean, one day Joey just showed up and nobody really said anything. I mean he sure looked more like Dad than Franklin. 

Joey, of course, ended up in Levenworth. Something to do with a disagreement over a shot glass or some such.

At any rate, I do not think that fathers today are being properly trained. I mean there are certain rules to all of this and they must be followed except in extraordinary circumstances, of course. And I felt that it might be good to go over them for some of the younger Dads out there.

RULES FOR FATHERS

1.               Count your children and write a number on the bottom of each of their feet. Then keep a spread sheet in a safe place.  I always kept it with my bookie's spread sheet; that way I would always know where it was. Now, you might ask:  Why put this important information on the feet and how does that work exactly?  Well, in conjunction with this you have an important household rule. ALWAYS LEAVE YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS AT THE DOOR.

2.               Give each of your children a name.  This is extremely important. Women, make sure the last last name of your child is the same as the husband's. I mean, there are hospital records available to prove your genetic contribution. I underline the fact that your hubby might not even have been present at the glorious event due to his green fees and his commitment to comradrey at the golf course.

3.               Whenever possible, acknowledge your children by their individual's name.  Sometimes you will get mixed up but you always have the spread sheet and the bare feet to work with.  You see, proper preparation becomes the gift that keeps on giving. If the spread sheet is currently unavailable, your son is 'son' and your daughter is 'sweetie'.

4.               Never pass out drunk in front of your children.  That is what 'the den' is for.  Where's Daddy, they will ask. He's in 'the den' will be the proper answer.

5.               Upon the arrival of your first born, you will immediately realize what you must do. You must lock up all your porn in 'the den' along with your liquor and your weed.

6.               Fairy Tales may not come true, they sure never happened to you, but you must read fairy tales to your children.  These tales, if you choose the right ones will make your life much easier.  You see, children, especially the younger ones, are very gullible.  They will tend to believe your every word up until the age of four or five nowadays. The older among us remember the day when there was only the tv.  Well, we did not and could not 'catch on' as to what was happening in the real world until we were sixteen or seventeen.  That was because there was only 22 minutes of national news on per day, delivered by older white men with deep voices most of which was written by the government anyway. And with Leave it to Beaver and Donna Reed and the Naked City as the main tv fare, I mean it was tougher to catch on. But in this day and age you should lose any credibility you now have by the time the tots are sent to preschool.  Back to the tales.  Always go with Grimm fairy tales and relate them the way the Grimm Brothers originally related them. NOBODY EVER LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. This lowers the cherubs' expectations and they are less likely to become disillusioned at a young age.  And when the wolf eats grandma, MAKE SURE HE DOES IT IN THE DEN.

7.               Speaking of fairy tales, my parents were very clever.  They oft times spoke of the communist menace. And they would add the word 'Totalitarian' to that. And then they would add the word 'Chinese' to that. Okay, you tell these children, every day, that in totalitarian communist China, there is no freedom and children turn their own parents into the authorities for no reason. In America we are free and we never trust the authorities. Authorities here take children away from their parents for no reason and put them on cots in basements without tvs or ipods. Make sure that the children begin receiving this message by age two. The earlier the better so you can get a handle on this important message: WHAT GOES ON AT HOME, ESPECIALLY IN THE DEN, STAYS  IN THE HOME AND THE DEN. Otherwise the totalitarian communist Chinese will take over America and we will all lose our cable tv and ipods.

8.               Now life can become confusing and depending how many children you have, you might have your doubts from time to time.  The little one really does not look much like you at all and has freckles and neither you nor your beloved have freckles.  CHECK THEIR FEET. The tot may just be a visitor.  That is, one of your own children may have just brought the little bugger home with her. No big deal. Happens all the time.  For some reason children make 'friends' and they wish to show these 'friends' where they live and everything. I know, I know, you are thinking, my God, I never bring 'friends' over to the place where I live. I mean, that is why God made pubs. Well children think on a different level.  So do not accuse your wife of anything without proper substantiation.  Besides she lets you have the den and everything and who is going to watch the little buggers if she is not around? Right?

9.               Always have a 'nap time'. That is, everybody has to go to their room and have a nap on Saturday and Sunday. That way you can work in some good nooky during the weekends. Your wife will smile more, assuming you are doing it right and I can only assume that if you have five to fifteen children you must be doing something right, and you will probably find yourself with more free time in the den.

10.            Always tell your children that it is a jungle out there, that your job is not going well and that times will be hard with so little money.  Even when things are going well you must report this during dinner time every day.  That way your children will grow up knowing you have no money and will not ever ask you for any.  And fewer tots will inquire as to why you eat macaroni and cheese all the time.

11.            Stick with plastic toys. They are cheaper. And when Kenny hits Johnny over the head with the plastic truck it hurts less and there will be fewer consequences. Oh I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that children who are raised properly will not hit each other over the head with trucks. Well, that works fine with child psychologists who go on tv and everything. But come on, think about your own life.  How many times at work or in the pub, if you had a truck available I mean, would you have enjoyed hitting someone over the head with a truck? Children are really adults with no visible means of support.

12.            Never permit your children to throw food at each other at the table.  If you have followed my rules this would never happen in the first place. I mean, by age two, you continually relate that in totalitarian Communist China, there is very little food and most people starve to death.  You must implant a good quality of guilt into the little buggers at an early age.

13.            When your children have a question about the world, about life or about conservative politics do not ignore them.  They are in need of an answer. And do not put them off. You must have stock answers at the get go. Answers that really say nothing but denote concern on your part.  For instance:

When I was your age, I had to live in the garage. My father was always worried about his car and it was my job to make sure it was not stolen or that any of its accoutrements were not removed.

It is a jungle out there and life is unfair.

Republicans only care about the rich and the powerful and Democrats are the party of the people

Did you do your homework?  (This works on most questions actually and it puts the burden on them. I mean who really does their homework anyway? I never did and that is how I became the man I am today!)

They changed the law in this state so that you cannot drive until you are twenty five.

Now times change. And the above items  above are incorporated lore, the lore handed down to me was the same lore handed down to my parents. But there is one way you might get out of the rut you find yourself in.

The next time your company orders in new computers, get access to the old computers and bring them home. These kids are masters at the computer by the first grade.  Then get them trained to be AMWAY distributors. You will make a mint. Now you will be fair to your children of course, especially the money makers.  You give them ten percent of the profits related to their labor and you put away another ten percent in an educational fund. The rest of the money can be used for rent and to stock up things in your den.  Remember what that great philosopher Doolittle said:

The Lord above made man to support his children

Cause it's the right and proper thing to do

The Lord above made man to help his children,

BUT

With a little bit of luck

With a little bit of luck

They'll go out and start supporting you.