This is Meet the Press with David Gregory

Sitting in for David today is Christopher Hitchens


Hitchens:    Good  morning this is Christopher Hitchens sitting in for David Gregory this morning. David was unavoidably detained earlier this morning in a DC cab. It appears that the cabby was an undercover police officer involved in some sort of escort sting. Apparently Mr. Gregory had entered the cab with an associate, let us say by the name of Che Che LaFemme a/k/a Tony the Rose, a local escort, let us say.  The cabby issued a short statement announcing the detention of Mr. Gregory and that charges would be formally made sometime tomorrow morning. Che Che was interviewed and asked if indeed she/he had been propositioned-so to speak by the man in custody and whether or not the suspect was really David Gregory. Che Che responded, "Well David is a very large man, and also very tall. I do not watch news shows too often, but I have seen him in White House briefings along with some of my other clients..er uh acquaintances.        

Hitchens:    Be that as it may, today our guest at Meet the Press is Vice President Cheney who will leave office in ten days.  Mr. Vice President, it is a pleasure to see you again. It has been some time since we last met.

Cheney:    Good to see you Chris.

Hitchens:    Mr. Vice President, you are leaving an administration responsible for the highest unemployment rate in forty years, an economy in a crisis not seen in 60 years, two wars that seem to have no end, Wall Street in shambles, millions thrown out of their homes, retirement funds light some two trillion dollars, a ten trillion dollar national debt and a so called bailout package worth three quarters of a trillion dollars, a good portion of which is being used to pay the bonuses of the people more than partially responsible for the financial mess we are in.  What are your comments with regard to these charges?

Cheney:    Well, Chris, our current economic condition is really not this Administration's fault.  I mean, nobody saw this coming.  Not the Democrats in Congress or those in the Executive Branch.

Hitchens:    I will get back to the economic issues, but could you tell our viewers exactly what your Administration has accomplished over eight years besides seeing that the war criminal Sadaam Hussein was tracked down, tried and executed?

Cheney:    Why yes, Chris. We instituted the No Child Left Behind legislation that guaranteed that no child would be left behind in this country, unless of course due to problems with genes or lack of responsibility of the parents he or she did not pass the tests. You will also note that there was a huge increase in gross GDP over seven of those years and the creation of millions of jobs during the same time period.  But most importantly, we have not been invaded by or attacked by terrorists since 9/11 and that is because of the measures we took, when we need to take those measures.

Hitchens:    But isn't it also true that most of the so-called wealth that was created during your Administration go to the top one percent of the population and was actually wiped out anyway during the last three or four months?

Cheney:    Again Chris, no one saw this economic crisis coming.  Especially the Democrats who were responsible for Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac.

Hitchens:    So, just to set the record straight, Mr. Vice President, providing home loans to poorer people was the single reason for the economic collapse?  And was that not, sir, the entire aim and purpose of the Bailey Savings and Loan in the film It's a Wonderful Life?

Cheney:    The lack of regulation of these giant New Deal Organizations by the Democrats is the single greatest reason for the collapse, Chris.  And may I add, no one saw this coming. And I mean no one saw this coming.

Hitchens:    Now looking over my notes Mr. Vice President it appears that you have stated on prior occasions that no one saw the attacks of 9/11/01 coming. That no one thought that there were no WMDs in Iraq.  That no one saw that some children would be left behind due to poor test scores, poor parenting and poor genes. That no one saw the current economic crisis coming. That no one saw the greatest theft in World History of investment funds. That no one could have predicted our national prestige go down the loo. That no one could have predicted in 2000 that your Administration would be responsible for the single greatest restraint upon Civil Rights in this country since the Alien and Sedition Acts instituted during the waning years of the eighteenth century. That no one could have predicted that your Administration would be responsible for an actual net loss of jobs over eight years. That no one could have predicted that millions of Americans would find themselves on the street with the loss of their homes, jobs and pensions. Is that correct Mr. Vice President?

Cheney:    FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER. (Cheney storms out of press room)after which there is a commercial break)

Hitchens:    We are back after some technical difficulties along with the apparent retreat of the Vice President.  We turn now to our panel.....


Hitchens:    Ms. Roberts, what are your thoughts concerning the cowardice just shown by the outgoing Vice President?

Cokie Rob:    This isn't ABC Studios.  I am not supposed to be here.

Hitchens:    Mr. Olbermann. What are your thoughts?

Keith O:    I thought you pointed out, quite rightly I may add, that the fascist corporate warmongering lackies are going out with a flourish and that criminal investigations should begin immediately.  You know Chris, I have never been in this studio before.  They called me an hour ago to fill in for that conservative guy. They figured since I was available to fill in for McCain on CBS, that I would show up on this show.  I forgot.  Are not you a British Citizen? I thought you had to be a citizen to anchor this show.  At least that is what fathead Dobbs told me.

At this point the proceedings were ended and a message concerning the New Forman Grill was