Snerf was ruing. He knew he had a tendency to rue too much, especially during the mid day time because he had less to do.  Around noon he simply walked the castle, checking to see if some things were out of place, to discover if something might not be quite right.  It would be two hours before he was back in the kitchen performing his magic on vegetables for the meal of the day.

There was that noise again from the ante room.  Curious how that noise seems to come from there every other day or so.  This was one of those rooms where no peon was ever welcome.
Only maids of royal blood ventured in for cleaning under strict rules. And only those maids who knew not how to speak, the mutes could venture in if some member of the aristocracy was present.

A lot of curious rules in this castle, but that is the way it goes at all castles, I suppose. He decided to listen in by the door of the anteroom.

Oh Tristan, my favorite of the anterooms. You always know how to treat your Lady. Titter, titter, titter. Iseult always liked to titter. Strange habit. Easier to deal with than the habits those nuns wear, but it becomes more tedious as time rolls on.

Iseult I awaited you from the dawn when the King lit out for the hunt. I had in my yearnings my own hunt. The hunt for love before I go upon my taxing quest to loosen the purse strings of the clergy. I reserved this room yesternight from Kay, and as long as he gets his remunerative, he cares not.  He told me that this anteroom is like the Lincoln Bedroom, and that campaign monies flow like water during the wars. But, my love, I await thee now.

Tristan. Titter, titter, titter. I wore your favorite costume under my cloak. She takes off the cloak wearing the latest in see through silks, late from Asia.

Have you brought the key, Tristan? After this I would like to take this thing off while here at Camelot, pointing to her chastity belt. I constantly pee on it and the perfumes merely mask the dank smell.

I will do so, forthright. Tristan undoes the safe as he fondles Iseult's beautiful form with his free hand.  But Iseult, I see the way you stare at Gareth, and I am afraid your wilings may drift from me to him.

Titter, titter, titter. I stare at Gareth because I cannot believe a Knight could be so dumb. But I smell his filth from across the great room and I assure you, that he is never to be in my dreams.

In breeding, I am sorry to say. Too many cousins have met in warm embraces over the generations.  But Gareth is a good sort to have around when gutting is in store.

Let us not speak of gutting when good things of a carnal nature are about!!!

Snerf could hardly believe his ears. Oh if King Mark only knew, he would have Tristan's head, and most probably his bowels.  Why these kings are all so interested in bowels is beyond me.

I wonder if I could make a couple pence off of all of this?  I shall ponder this as I continue my ruing.  But pondering is so much more fulfilling in the end. Macaca, Macaca come hither. COME HITHER MACACA.

Just then a North African monkey, who arrived here via Spain along with a Christmas Card addressed to Arthur, came swinging down from the rafters. Ackkakkackaakkaa.

Where have you been Macaca? Snerf looked around just in case Paladin the Moor showed up.Paladin did not like that word, which merely means monkey child in Morocco. Once he threw his boot a Snerf and hit him right on his hunch.   After that he called his pet Monkey when he was in the midst of the knights.

Snerf thought as he was hit by Paladin, why is this such a big deal. I do not whine when he says he has a hunch about something or other.

Macaca, you better not have been throwing feces at the maids again this morning.

Auh Auh Ahuahu. Said Macaca. That means no. But Macaca had been known to lie from time to time. Last week the silly monkey threw a wad at Gretchen, the kitchen girl and it took Snerf an hour to calm her down.  She will turn 14 in a fortnight and it has been harder and harder to show his love as time and his age draws on. Someone told him that after awhile, all hunchbacks end up with big warts on their noses and it goes down hill after that.

While playing with his monkey, Snerf hit upon a plan. At dinner he would approach Tristan with his nightly mutton leg and hint a little about the ante room and see what he might pocket.

Snerf would never betray Tristan, his hero or Lancelot either, for that matter. But why should both of these heroes have grand steeds and grown up ladies and fine undergarments while he slept in the hay loft?  Spread the wealth and not the rumor Snerf thought....

Meanwhile, in the Royal Forest which had now become the Enchanted Royal Forest...

The darkness had come on suddenly. And the knights were awed at the black starless night which had arrived sooner than thought.

I thought you told me only a few hours ago it was six o'clock. What happened?

Blaise responded, Sire our position was six o'clock and it might be good for your Reverence to keep that in memory, as a rule of thumb.  At that time it was closer to 10:00 AM and now I would have guessed it is one in the afternoon. Surely there is some evil that hath brought this darkness unto us. I feel dank and cold and something smells.

Uh, that was the wart hog, Blaise, Gawain said. He let loose a mighty wind I have never heard or smelt before this time.  A sign of real evil. In the air, so to speak.

All of a sudden there was a rumble from yon and the sky seemed to open up.

I AM THE GOD OF THE PART OF THE FOREST AND ALL YE HAVE TRESPASSED UPON MY SACRED GROUND!!!!!

There was rustling in the forest beyond and all of a sudden the stricken stag stood upright as if it had never been cross bowed or disemboweled.  And the hedge hog arose at the same time and from the forest deep came two more hedge hogs and sixteen humongous boars.  These boars were not like the boars that one must listen to at a supper club when you are forced to go out with your bride and her parents.  Noooooo, these were huge pucines with large tusks and they were grunting and salivating and smoke was coming from their nostrils.

IF THOUEST DOTH NOT PACK UP AND GO HOME, I CAN OFFER NO APOLOGIES FOR WHAT TAKES PLACE HENCE.  THESE BOARS REPRESENT THE GHOSTS OF PAST KNIGHTS FROM THE SCOTTISH ISLES AND THEY ARE HUNGRY FOR YOUR BLOOD.


The King knelt in prayer: We shall pray to Our Lord Jesus Christ for deliverance. Dear Lord..

Why are you still standing Blaise?

Do you not think it would be wiser at this point to listen to the other side for a change? Sire we need to listen to reason and the lead Boar over there, he looks menacing to me.

COWARD. KNEEL AT ONCE OR I SHALL HAVE YOUR HEAD.

At that moment the three hedge hogs stood on their hindies and began to sing:


You have heard the Lord above
No savior do you have here
He gives none his love
He rules with a mighty spear

He shakes the ground neath he walks
He brings the wrath of ages past
And beware that when he talks
Listen to Him if you would last

I wish I were I wish I might
See all the anger of He who says
Put on the head of all the knights
In the Lordly name of ASPCA


Gawain turned to Blaise and asked: How doth thou pronounce this strange name for a God?

Blaise announced: Just as it sounds but the L is silent.

Sire, Sire, what are we to do? Oh what are we to do, asked Blaise. Is it not better for us to listen to this god until we get back to Camelot and then we shall pray all night to Our Lord Jesus Christ?

But Our Lord Jesus Christ is the one God and....

But Sire is he not three gods? We are after all Pelagians.

No wonder we never get along with the Pope, responded the King.
Uh, uh I suppose we could make an exception as long as we all swore..

At that moment all the Christian knights knelt and just then the Head Boar, without an apple in his mouth, caught our Sire in the rear with one of his tusks, and it broke off just then.  The King shrieked in pain and cried out Oh Lord, why hast Thou forsaken me? And promptly went into a coma.  Now a coma is different from a comma because it has only one m and is hardly ever used in sentences.

The Great Voice in the sky at once said:

Fauna of the Sacred Forest, ye hath killed the King, the leader of the invaders. Ye may take your leave now as the chicken Celts are about to leave, and leave forever.  IS THAT RIGHT BEDIVERE?

You bet oh sacred God of the Forest.

And with that the King was put upon a litter, face down naturally and the other knights, packed up their belongings and they headed out of the forest dragging the litter.

Gareth asked Gawain, What pray tell is fauna. It is a funny word?

Do not make funna fauna, at least not until we get the hell out of here!!!!! Gawain responded.

Bedivere inquired of Blaise, Would we not have uh..uh..er..removed the remnant from the sacred Rear?

We might do awful damage Bedivere. We shall wait until we are back at Camelot and consult the mighty Merlin.  Besides we cannot spend more time in this place.

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Stay tuned tomorrow as we find out how our heroes cover the King's rear!!!!!