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Barack Obama's Secret Plan
It is to you, my fellow Cafe denizens, that I will reveal Barack Obama's secret plans for world domination. I tell you this now because, like a comic book villain, I am sure that it's entirely too late for you to stop me.
Mwhahahahaha.
It all begins with universal healthcare. First, the mighty Obama will appoint a commission to decide when you will die. The Republicans mistakenly think this is a "euthanasia" committee and that it has something to do with end of life care. Not true. Obama actually plans to use IRS agents who will decide when you personally will die. When you die you will be replaced by a cheaper, illegal immigrant version of you. It's in line 36 of the healthcare bill or something.
When you die and are replaced by cheaper illegal immigrants, the Federal Government will use its power to access your bank accounts in order to take the difference between the cost of you and an illegal. So if when they make you die you have $20,000 they will take $16,000 for themselves and leave $4,000 for the illegal you. This is all in the bill it's just that the bill is too long for anyone or even any group of people to read. I'd show you an exact citation but, really, what's the point? You can't read it anyway. The bill isn't even written in English. Its written in Senagelese which is a language that merely looks and sounds like English but means something totally different. Barack Obama, who was born outside of the United States in Hawaii can speak and read Senagalese fluently.
Under the new healthcare plan prescription drugs will be used to control your mind.
Under the new healthcare plan your doctor will be forced to tell the DEA if he finds out that you smoked weed in college. They will be able to test for that and you could be prosecuted.
Under the new healthcare plan, fat people will be put on severe caloric restriction diets and, if they fail to lose weight, will be forced to run on treadmills under military supervision.
Under the new healthcare plan your doctor will be chosen for you by a computer program. Since all doctors will be treated equally you might be assigned to a neurosurgeon even if you're trying to see a gynecologist.
You might be wondering why Obama wants to do all of these things. It's because he's angry at you. That's why.
Mwhahahahaha.
It all begins with universal healthcare. First, the mighty Obama will appoint a commission to decide when you will die. The Republicans mistakenly think this is a "euthanasia" committee and that it has something to do with end of life care. Not true. Obama actually plans to use IRS agents who will decide when you personally will die. When you die you will be replaced by a cheaper, illegal immigrant version of you. It's in line 36 of the healthcare bill or something.
When you die and are replaced by cheaper illegal immigrants, the Federal Government will use its power to access your bank accounts in order to take the difference between the cost of you and an illegal. So if when they make you die you have $20,000 they will take $16,000 for themselves and leave $4,000 for the illegal you. This is all in the bill it's just that the bill is too long for anyone or even any group of people to read. I'd show you an exact citation but, really, what's the point? You can't read it anyway. The bill isn't even written in English. Its written in Senagelese which is a language that merely looks and sounds like English but means something totally different. Barack Obama, who was born outside of the United States in Hawaii can speak and read Senagalese fluently.
Under the new healthcare plan prescription drugs will be used to control your mind.
Under the new healthcare plan your doctor will be forced to tell the DEA if he finds out that you smoked weed in college. They will be able to test for that and you could be prosecuted.
Under the new healthcare plan, fat people will be put on severe caloric restriction diets and, if they fail to lose weight, will be forced to run on treadmills under military supervision.
Under the new healthcare plan your doctor will be chosen for you by a computer program. Since all doctors will be treated equally you might be assigned to a neurosurgeon even if you're trying to see a gynecologist.
You might be wondering why Obama wants to do all of these things. It's because he's angry at you. That's why.
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It's about time someone spelled it out for the rest of us. BTW, like the new outfit.
August 11, 2009 4:15 PM | Reply | Permalink
Nice new look yourself!
August 11, 2009 4:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
Since all doctors will be treated equally you might be assigned to a neurosurgeon even if you're trying to see a gynecologist.
So that's why they laughed at me when I called about getting screened for prostate cancer?
August 11, 2009 4:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
"fat people will be put on severe caloric restriction diets and, if they fail to lose weight, will be forced to run on treadmills under military supervision ..."
And just to show you how brilliant this secret plan is, the energy generated by all those fat people on treadmills will be used to cut our reliance on foreign oil and save the environment.
August 11, 2009 4:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yes but then the environment will be given to... illegal immigrants!
August 11, 2009 4:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
Win.
August 11, 2009 10:41 PM | Reply | Permalink
I thought it was because some of us are white.
August 11, 2009 5:34 PM | Reply | Permalink
Speak for yerself
I happen to be comprised of bright hues.
August 11, 2009 10:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
Per Glenn Beck (as seen on last night's Jon Stewart), it's all about reparations. Unfortunately, I don't think Glenn was kidding.
August 12, 2009 11:07 AM | Reply | Permalink
jeeez I am glad you posted this. Just got this in my email:
http://pol.moveon.org/truth/lies.html?rc=tw
Top five lies being perpetrated by the repubs and a place to sign some petitions.
August 11, 2009 6:28 PM | Reply | Permalink
So that means we will become the "deductible"?
August 11, 2009 11:53 PM | Reply | Permalink
"Mwhahahahaha."
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Too funny.
August 12, 2009 2:00 AM | Reply | Permalink