« End of the Obama Meme - Can We Get Back to Fighting? | Desidero's Blog | Democratic Party: Get Your Dumb War On »
3 Card Monty: A Real Troop Pull-Down in Iraq?
Every once in a while someone mentions how we're "getting out of Iraq". I'd like to know exactly what they mean by this. There are still some 117,000 soldiers in Iraq, with maybe 240,000 contractors in Iraq & Afghanistan, or maybe many more - no one's quite sure.
The troops in Iraq were supposed to pull down after the January elections, while with the elections are postponed, supposedly troop withdrawals will happen anyway (goal of something like 60,000 in September). I'll believe it when I see it.
Meanwhile, support contractors are supposed to go from 1:1 up to 1.5:1. That's right, so while we're withdrawing 60,000 troops (which may not happen), we'll be upping the workload on contractors. So it's an effective pulldown of 120K + 120K = 240K to 60K + 90K, or 150K US-funded folks to hang on after September. Of course KBR hasn't given a pull-down schedule, so they may not bring many contractors out soon either.
So will there be some kind of pullout in Iraq? Is 150K US contract guards and "police" troops instead of "combat" troops what you were expecting by September? And will the others come home, or just head next door (hat-tip to John McCain) for the war in Afghanistan? And while we've begrudgingly added benefits for the Iraq vets, will we also add benefits for the contractors, who KBR is curiously hiring out of the Bahamas to avoid benefits? (I say "curiously" because I'd figure there was some kind of "Buy America" clause in all of this, not because I assume we'd support workers' benefits like health care and insurance. Beware the socialism).
I saw Jay Leno on a panel wondering if these contractors are electricians and carpenters, or modern-day Hessians. Curious that the comedians like Leno and Jon Stewart are usually the only ones to ask these serious questions.
The troops in Iraq were supposed to pull down after the January elections, while with the elections are postponed, supposedly troop withdrawals will happen anyway (goal of something like 60,000 in September). I'll believe it when I see it.
Meanwhile, support contractors are supposed to go from 1:1 up to 1.5:1. That's right, so while we're withdrawing 60,000 troops (which may not happen), we'll be upping the workload on contractors. So it's an effective pulldown of 120K + 120K = 240K to 60K + 90K, or 150K US-funded folks to hang on after September. Of course KBR hasn't given a pull-down schedule, so they may not bring many contractors out soon either.
So will there be some kind of pullout in Iraq? Is 150K US contract guards and "police" troops instead of "combat" troops what you were expecting by September? And will the others come home, or just head next door (hat-tip to John McCain) for the war in Afghanistan? And while we've begrudgingly added benefits for the Iraq vets, will we also add benefits for the contractors, who KBR is curiously hiring out of the Bahamas to avoid benefits? (I say "curiously" because I'd figure there was some kind of "Buy America" clause in all of this, not because I assume we'd support workers' benefits like health care and insurance. Beware the socialism).
I saw Jay Leno on a panel wondering if these contractors are electricians and carpenters, or modern-day Hessians. Curious that the comedians like Leno and Jon Stewart are usually the only ones to ask these serious questions.
Advertisement
These pull-out plans are always crap anyway, Des. Jesus. If I had guests who took this long to leave I'd call the cops on 'em. Anyway. I thought to myself, time to stop whining, and come up with my own plan. A Smart Plan (TM.) So-called because it's Smarter. (TM.) Like so:
1. We hire 28 million unemployed and armor 'em up - heat-seeking missiles, those fancy heads-up visors, nunchucks, the whole 9 yards.
2. Now, that wasn't the Smart (TM) part. That was just the Average Intelligence (TM) part. Here's the really Smart (TM) Part. Each one of the 28 million new hires gets a card with the name, address and photo of a single Afghan on it. One-to-one. 10% focus. No distractions. No excuses.
3. Your job? Find them, capture them - and then either kill them, or bring them home with you to join your family. Simple.
See, the thing is, ANY Afghan can be a Taliban, right? And apparently, these shape-shifting Afghan bastards can TURN INTO Talibans. Drop of a hat, and Abdul the genial shoe-salesman becomes a pyscho, ranting, freedom-hating, terror-training Taliban.
SO. IF YOUR AFGHAN LOOKS A BIT SHIFTY, THEY GET DOOR #1 - THE HOT-LEAD, COURTESY OF AMERICA, BEATDOWN BREAKFAST. And you go home, job well done.
But. If you're a soft-hearted, let's give these people a better life, schools and voting and infrastructure and maximize their human potential, anti-war, pro-troops LIBERAL, then... it's time to act on your beliefs and TAKE DOOR #2, BRING YOUR AFGHAN HOME. Spare room is fine, basement apartment even - just bring 'em home to live with you, and you too are a hero.
Because if it's all about rebuilding that country, well, I'm sorry, but Afghanistan just so happens to be located in the WRONG FUCKING PART OF THE WORLD. Pakistan's next door, and they got their own freako Talibans. Russia's just North (and they're still pissed.) And apparently, it's also in a region where the next thing Iran, Iraq or Israel does, your role shifts, your stability becomes important to global peace. Best to just get the fuck out now. Too bad, so sad. But hey. There's lots of jobs in America, for an upwardly-mobile former-Afghan. Or were jobs. Will be jobs.
Anyway, that's my plan - Smart Plan (TM.) It neatly takes care of unemployment, creating 28 million full-time, FOCUSSED jobs. It takes care of potential shape-shifting Talibans. While extending the hand of freedom and friendship and offering a good education in a proper public school to those not looking so untrustworthy. And good for business? Hey, MegaWarCorp gets to sell 28 million high-tech war-fighting outfits, roughly $370,000 - good money for old beans.
And the Afghan problem? Resolved. Sure, it's not longer a nation, but what the historians never mention is that nobody ever much liked the Afghans anyway. All those Empires that went there and got their butts kicked? Well, I'm sorry, but where there's smoke, there's fire - the Afghans must've been doing SOMETHING to piss all those Empires off. At least Afghanistan gets to go out with an unbeaten war-fighting record, 241-0.
See? Now that's a proper War-Ending plan. A Smart Plan (TM.) Now, since this is your blog Des, if anyone comes asking about it, I'll cut you in for 20%, eh?
November 12, 2009 2:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
If you think there's no actual connection between allowing the economy to collapse and the Pentagon's appetite for long wars, think again.
November 12, 2009 3:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
Good link: More proof that the military is the largest socialist organization in the country. The economy goes down, relative government spending goes up, and we get more troops to go into our wars.
Weird how in some circles, military spending is a good but universal health care spending is a bad. What's better: Killin' or Helpin'?
November 12, 2009 4:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
This is just another example of tom foolery...on the surface.
But as dada as this comment is, is it really more shocking than 'plans' issued by the greatest among us during the last decade? I mean people like
Wolfowitz
Feith
Cheney
The difference between their fantastic 'plans' and q's plans is in implementation.
What q needs in empowerment.
In a first step toward that plan I hereby award THE Q the Knightly Comment of the Day Award for this here TPMCafe Site, given to all of him from all of me (along with a more than a few other mentally deficient people here). ha!!!
November 12, 2009 6:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
Amazing, I post the questions and you give Q the awards. Guess I should expect as much...
November 12, 2009 7:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
I hereby award Desidero the pitchfork award, for getting to the point.
( I know it ain't much, but it's the best I can do)
Use it well.
November 12, 2009 7:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yes, I like them points. I'll think of it as my steely hen's foot.
November 13, 2009 2:45 AM | Reply | Permalink
Look, you already get a 20% cut, pal.
Besides, I thought it was a pretty damn good plan. It's high time we relied more on individual initiative to end this war. Just tell me which Afghan I'm expected to save or kill, and get the hell out of my way. I'll be there for the prayer service at the end.
November 12, 2009 7:13 PM | Reply | Permalink
Our own little Christian militia - you related to Ollie North?
November 13, 2009 2:47 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks, Dick!
BTW, what're you gonna do with your Afghan? Bring him home or kill him up in the hills? I'm kinda unsure about my guy, this Sarbaz dude. I thought making this war a one-to-one thing would make it easier. Huhn.
November 12, 2009 7:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
Okay, now when I get over there I will due my duty to my god and my country and then skin him. No women or children for me....if my assignment turns out to be otherwise I will trade with someone else.
Anyway, I will also find a goat to skin and then bring them both home. Then at night while I am back in school on the GI bill, I will tat my new Afghan.
It will be all warm and cozy on me and also a remembrance of things past; of battles won; of missions accomplished.
November 12, 2009 8:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
ah yes, Cap and Trade. Got it.
November 12, 2009 9:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
hahahaahah oh my god this is awful. hahahah
November 12, 2009 9:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
I guess I'm just finding all these "serious" debates and evaluations of the War in Afghanistan a little hard to take these days. Partly because absolutely nothing that we're doing, or proposing, makes the slightest bit of sense even according to our own system.
- We're there to help them build a democracy. However, our preferred leader has little democratic support, and only continues in his position because he fixed the election. Remember when it was soooo important that they get out and vote? Why was that again?
- We're also there to help them build a free market economy, to become entrepreneurs and successful traders. Except that the #1 crop they successfully grow, and trade, to millions of willing customers worldwide, we oppose on moral grounds and try to eradicate. So, ummmm, really, they know how to farm, really well. We just don't like their crop.
- We're staying - after 8 years - because it's important that we not surrender ground that might be used for training terrorists. Except that recent terrorist attacks have been trained for in Hamburg, Germany... Florida and San Diego... Leeds and London and Snowdonia National Park... Jakarta... Kuala Lumpur... Karachi and Lahore... Orillia and Rockwood and Mississauga and Toronto Canada... and of course, Saudi Arabia. Better close down those terror nests.
- We're also staying because it's bloody important to stabilize Pakistan. The same Pakistan who we didn't give a shit about when we were throwing our gigantic shit-fit 8 years ago. The same Pakistan we couldn't give a fuck about when we're making deals with India. The same Pakistan who helps support the Taliban, or at least the Afghan-interested parts. Yep, we sure are all agreed its important that Pakistan be stabilized and Pakistanis respected.
And now, we have to listen to the caring and concerned and balanced and moderate voices within the Democratic Party argue about whether we need 30,000 or 60,000 troops... with a 1/2 and 1/2 mix of training and fighting or more 60/40... and whether roads are more important or support for alternative crops or maybe girls schools.... And all the while we don't know a goddamn thing about these people, but we're educated, so we know the importance of having a favourite "expert" who's apparently spent time there, on the ground, and really knows their way around.
Meanwhile, we continue to kill Afghans at a right steady old pace.
Come on people, it's time. Time to get your Afghan card, and man up. At least know the dude's name before you kill him.
November 12, 2009 9:44 PM | Reply | Permalink
I do not know if it is the time of day or the full four hours I got last night...but
The problem with this country is that we only have two parties. How would you like to be stuck watching the Packers play the Vikings every goddamn Sunday.
Now the Afghans not only have a better way of spelling but they have more teams than the NFL, NHL, NL & AL...
I mean they have real TEAM spirit. No 'I' in team you know. They call them tribes but I have heard of the Cleveland Indians and the Washington Redskins and such...
Anyway, every week there are different battles going on over there. This tribe is mad at that tribe and this is multiplied many times. The only thing that most tribes have in common is that they hate US, the good old US of A.
And elections, when was the last time we voted for our teams or team leaders--except in Green Bay of course where all the citizens appear to have some sort of vote or stock option and where are they in the standings since the early 60's anyway--but I digress.
We could send Bowie Kuhn or somebody over there to better organize the tribes into leagues and have play offs and such. And he could get Coke and Pepsi and Viagra to kind of help out with financing and stuff...
Just a thought...
November 13, 2009 5:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
That's the can do, entrepreneurial, American spirit, Dick. Organize the tribes into teams, get some rules, set up proper divisions, announce game days, hold playoffs and maybe then we'd know what we were up against, eh?
But I think you can see how the full potential of the Afghan trading card idea starts to come through. See, first off, you can trade for an Afghan you like (or at least, for one you think you can take down.) Maybe you play best when you don't have to travel, so you'd trade for someone in Kabul. Or maybe you're good at altitude, so you could trade for some mountain fella.
Or we could get the free market in play here, so those of us who felt they could make a living at it could take on other people's Afghan Killing Cards, then go over as a full-time job performing this public service, and get paid a proper wage with benefits for it. They'd be specially skilled at knowing which Afghans were trustworthy, which ones were about ready to turn into a Taliban, which ones were doing the drug trade, all that complicated local stuff. Boy, you'd sure want to make sure these fulltime guys were properly equipped though, eh? Cause the Afghans would sure as shit start identifying and trying to kill these fulltime guys.
Heck, maybe we could even set up some special villages and towns that the Afghans we liked could live in, instead of having to ship them all the way back home. Save on transport costs. And since our hunter-seeker guys wouldn't be doing that ALL the time, we could pay them to help organize and patrol these villages and towns too. You know, we'd want to make these places into the same kind of family-friendly places the Afghans would be in if we actually HAD brought them back to our own homes.
Sounds like we're putting an awful weight on these frontline in-country folks of ours though, eh? They have to kill the bad Afghans, figure out which ones might turn into badass Talibans, be nice to the good Afghans and play with their kids, keep 'em all off drugs, build roads and schools, and avoid getting killed every step of the way.
I'd calculate that if there's 28 million Afghans to sort through, we should probably go for about 20 to 1 of our guys. About the same as you'd have to handle as a hockey coach.
I think we've made progress in shaping up this idea Dick. Now all we need are 1.4 million of our guys willing to go over.
November 13, 2009 11:54 AM | Reply | Permalink
KBR hasn't given a pull-down schedule, so they may not bring many contractors out soon either
From
Rebuilding Its Economy, Iraq Shuns U.S. Businesses
By Rod Nordland, New York Times Business Day, Nov. 13
Reading the whole article was an eye opener for me; looks to me that as troops leave, the U.S. is really outta there more than I assumed. Even FedEx can't get in any more, and they were quite willing to continue.
November 13, 2009 4:41 PM | Reply | Permalink