Dear William,

Yes we can! And we did! Barack Obama is now president-elect of the United States.

But this is no time to rest on our laurels. There's work to do. And as you know from the 3,194 fundraising e-mails we sent in the last few weeks, this "work" costs money. A whole lot of money. So will you donate at least $5 right now?

Today we're asking for any remaining money you have -- that dusty bowl of change, any fivers hiding in a suit jacket you haven't worn since 1997, your kid's entire college fund -- to carry our efforts forward. Because there's more we can do, right now, to help middle-class families. If we can raise a pile of money by midnight tonight, we can broadcast our new TV ad, "Let's Spread the Wealth," which literally shoots gold ingots out of the television and into the hands of struggling Americans!

To do that, we need to increase the size of our already enormous pile of money. Turn it into an historic, giant, sun-blocking pile of money. William, I'm talking about a pile of money so huge that our campaign engineers recently constructed smaller, strategically placed piles of money just to keep the main pile of money from falling over.

So won't you donate at least $5 right now? Your support at this critical time will ensure that Barack and his staff can surf into Washington, D.C. on a giant, rolling wave of fresh, crisp cash. And continue to live in the style to which they've become accustomed.

In the coming weeks, we'll assemble a new administration, fill key positions, and prepare to govern. Won't you commit $5 right now to help us assemble a new administration, fill key positions, and prepare to govern -- while we wear fancy new clothes made from sheets of uncut cash?

We also need funds to continue to track the whereabouts (and wallet) of every Obama supporter. How do we do that? Via the free Obama-Biden car magnet we sent you in September. It's actually a GPS tracking device. Pretty cool, huh?

(By the way, William, you sure spend a lot of time parked outside Chloe Logan's house when her husband is out of town on business. What gives?)

Your support at this crucial moment will also help Barack's team of scientists complete the "Men in Black"-like device that, when activated, will convince progressives that President Obama's policies are, in fact, progressive. And not just more corporate-friendly nonsense wrapped up in unusually pretty and distracting words.

By the way, pretty and distracting words don't come cheap. Will you donate another $5 right now?

Perhaps you don't think these small donations are important, especially in light of news that we've quietly raised millions of dollars by selling access to Barack's top policy advisors for up to $28,500 a pop. Does that seem like a faster, more effective way to raise big money? It is! So won't you donate $5 right now to pay for a fancy, gold-embossed invitation that we'll mail to someone with much more money than you? And who wants to have the ear of the new administration?

(For faster processing, please write, "Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss" on your check.)

Now is not the time to become complacent. Plus, if you donate a substantial sum right now, William, I guarantee that your overnight visits to the home of Chloe Logan will remain our little secret. Deal?

Sincerely,
David Plouffe, Campaign Manager
Obama for America

P.S. Did you know that adding a "P.S." to fundraising e-mails dramatically increases the response rate? Especially if the "P.S." mentions that we know everything about you and Mrs. Logan?

(Originally printed in The Berkshire Eagle newspaper. Cross-posted from Reason Gone Mad)

See, John McCain's campaign manager, Rick Davis, did an often (unintentionally) hilarious interview on Thursday with Hugh Hewitt. And he made this statement:

Look, John McCain has told us a long time ago before this campaign ever got started, back in May, I think, that from his perspective, he was not going to have his campaign actively involved in using Jeremiah Wright as a wedge in this campaign. Now since then, I must say, when Congressman Lewis calls John McCain and Sarah Palin and his entire group of supporters, fifty million people strong around this country, that we're all racists and we should be compared to George Wallace and the kind of horrible segregation and evil and horrible politics that was played at that time, you know, that you've got to rethink all these things. And so I think we're in the process of looking at how we're going to close this campaign. We've got 19 days, and we're taking serious all these issues.  

If John McCain gets 50 million votes on Nov. 4, that will be fully 12 million fewer than President Bush received in 2004, and nine million fewer than John Kerry. And with turnout shaping up to be even higher this year, it would be an Obama landslide of epic proportions -- and a crushing defeat for the senator from Arizona.

Let's hear it for simple math: Woo hoo!

"We've had widespread complaints of fraud but we do not discuss investigations at all," Deters said. He said the complaints came from "a variety of sources."

So you don't "discuss investigations at all," except for the part of the sentence that came right before you said "we do not discuss investigations at all"?

I'll tell ya: These McCain folks in Ohio must be angling for a book deal for "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Voter Suppression Tactics."

Maybe they'll package the book with a CD "jam-packed full of outrageous, terrifying, lie-filled robocalls YOU CAN USE!" 

Turns out that "Joe the Plumber," as he became nationally known when Senator John McCain made him a theme at Wednesday night's third and final presidential debate, may run a plumbing business but he is not a licensed plumber. His full name is Samuel J. Wurzelbacher. And he owes a bit in back taxes.

There's always more to the story, isn't there?