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A NEO-CON STORY - IT'S GOT EXCITEMENT, INTRIGUE, THE RENDERED FAT OF JERRY FALWELL
THE FOLLOWING IS A SHORT STORY ABOUT THE REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP AND MY OPINION OF THEM. BECAUSE IT'S A BIT LONG - AND EXTREMELY GRAPHIC. PICTURE JAMES DOBSON, A SHEEP, AND A MIDGET WEARING AN APOCALYPTIC GAS MASK. YOU WILL LAUGH, YOU WILL CRY, YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER. I'LL GIVE YOU A QUICK LOOK AS TO THE FUN YOU CAN EXPECT IF YOU READ ON -
- George Bush sinks into depression
- Pat Robertson administers secret oath of loyalty to test resolve of Republican leadership in a secret Neo-con lair of evil
- Republicans required to drink potion comprised of ashes of old dead racist colleagues, rendered fat of Jerry Falwell, and other fun things
- Story of Todd and Sarah Palin's snowmobile date - making love on the snow covered in seal blood
- John Boehner and Michael Reagen licking juice from Pat Robertson's chest
- Eric Cantor pissing off Lord Cheney - and paying the ultimate price for it
- And finally - a thought on what I believe is the only way the Republican's regain any momentum - said in a way that reveals what sick, twisted people they truly are.
The Republican leadership is in total disarray. Every day, President Obama and his administration prove themselves to be extremely capable of not only handling the almost mind blowing number of crisis situations we face - but also in getting a progressive agenda passed for the first time in most of our lifetimes. He strikes fear into the hearts of the extreme right wing, and exposes them for the frauds they are. They are in a state of retreat the likes of which they haven't seen in a long time.
As Bush gets even more unpopular over time, he fades into obscurity, becoming more depressed every day. His legacy is always on his mind, and he does his best to convince himself that time will make things better. But every night as he tries to drown out the feelings of inadequacy and failure, he hears the voice of his father telling him he ruined the family name, and that it should have been Jeb who got to be President. His party, and now his family have asked him to disappear. Sadness grips him, and he finally gets the gift of sleep. He is then tormented by dreams all night as well. He
But there are others in the party who realize that they only have one shot left to save this party. They desperately need an idea that will help them turn the tide of approval numbers shrinking at breakneck speed. But their ideas are continually rejected by the American people. As a selected group of Republican leaders sit down to work, their computers display a single flashing symbol. They all know what it means, even though it hadn't been used for a long time. They click on the symbol, and enter their secret code.
At around 1:30 am, you can see John Boener park his car and enter a nondescript bar about 20 miles outside D.C. The door is locked, but opens when he uses a secret knock he was taught six months ago. The room is dimly lit, and looks just like any other bar you might stumble into when you don't want your wife to know where you are and/or who you are with. The faces are familiar. The room is filled with the neo-con elite. It was obviously invitation only. You could describe everyone there as super-rich and super white (sorry Michael Steele and - you just don't have the "credentials" to get an invite to this one). Rush would of course be there as well as an honorary invitee.
Everyone is having drinks, making small-talk or lamenting the sorry state of the Party. Of course - it has nothing to do with the men in this room or their political philosophy. They don't understand why America can't see it's the feminists and the colored's and those damned dirty mexicans - oh and the liberal media - and of course - the terrorists). At precisely 2:00 a.m. a secret door opens in the back of the room and everyone descends down an old rock staircase that had been carved into the hill long ago. Torches line the walls. The stairs lead to a hallway that is solid rock. It is very long, and had been there for at least two hundred years. The hallway ends and opens to a room a stone floor. There are intricate patterns carved into the stone. They depict the Great Americans of yesterday who would have agreed with the neocon philosophy. Eric Cantor respectfully doesn't step on pattern depicting David Stephenson, former Grand Dragon of the Indiana KKK in the 20's.
Even though the group was small enough to know that there were no "undesireables". There were also none of those "middle of the road" Republicans there either. But this meeting was only for the eyes and ears of the hardest right in the Republican party. Many of them had never been to this gathering before, but knew there would be a test of their extreme right wing beliefs. They were told that only a true neo-conservative would have the strength of conviction to pass the test. In truth, only someone with a black enough soul and who would have developed enough hatred for all that is good and decent would be able to survive the "oath of loyalty" test. Tonight's test required them to drink a small amount of a tonic that is mixed as follows:
1 tbsp of the Ashes of Strom Thurmond
1 tbsp of the Ashes of Jesse Helms
1/3 cup blood of sacrificed puppy (this year's breed is Portugese Water Dog)
1/2 cup of the rendered fat of Jerry Falwell (reserve 1 tablespoon for rubbing on lips later)
2 tablespoons sacred dirt from mound of Golgotha
Baby seal brains to taste
Heat to boiling and allow to cool.
Pat Robertson walks in from a secret entrance. As the door closes behind him, James Inhofe sees James Dobson performing a sex act on a sheep that can only be described as acrobatic. Acrobatic and fun. He wonders who the midget was wearing the apocalyptic gas-mask, but was forced to pay attention when Pat took the small stage. Pat was wearing a blood red robe and giant hat like the pope wears. He welcomes everyone, and thanks us all for coming. He says "I'd like to thank Todd and Sarah Palin for procuring the seal brains for the elixir. Apparently Todd took Sarah on a snowmobile date up to the seal breeding grounds. As the sun started to set over the white snow capped mountain, he looked her in the eyes - and said "Go get one". She raced across the snow, and chased down a doe-eyed pup. She killed it and made love to todd on the blood soaked snow. Have you ever heard a more romantic story? This is how God wants love to be." He asks them to bow their heads while he prays.
"Dear Lord, please grant us the wisdom to return this Nation to greatness. We have lost our way - and have grown wicked. We have put a Muslim in the white house, have allowed mandatory prayer to you to be taken out our schools and our workplace, and have allowed evil religions to permeate America. We have allowed women to vote, giving them equal rights as men. We are sorry for this, oh Lord. Please give us the skill to do what is necessary to make America a Christian Nation once again. A nation that has one religion, and one interpretation of the bible. Mine.
It was imperative that just the right amount of the drink is used (2 milliliters by scientific measurements, but since Republicans and Christians hate science, they use a line drawn on an old set of ancient shot glass) Pat fills each glass - and each man raises his glass in the air. Pat bows his head and begins to chant. The chanting grows louder, faster, and more frantic. Some members are worried he might die right here - as he seems so old and frail. Foam starts gathering at the edges of his mouth and he throws his head up - his eyes blaze, wild and crazy. He abruptly stops chanting, drives the spear of Destiny (or Holy Lance - the spear that supposedly got all stabby-stabby on jesus. He won it in a poker game from Prescott Bush, George W's grandfather - who had it given to him as a gift from the Nazi's for all his good work) into the ground signifying it's time to take the oath.
As each person drinks, there is a sense of nervous anticipation - the rest of the people waiting to see if anyone dropped dead - thus proving they were not pure in their neocon beliefs. Pat had poured the remainder of the liquid into his beer mug (enough for 200 men, and was pounding it like a college girl getting herself drunk enough to let Joe Francis see her titties. The liquid he could not swallow was spilling out of his mouth, down his chin and onto his bare chest. After finishing, the hump on his back got much smaller, and he stood up taller, no longer showing his age. Apparently, he was actually about 140 years old, and had been using potions, spells, and rituals to keep him alive for many years. He looked at least 20 years younger. No one thought it odd when Michael Reagan and Mike Huckabee went over and start lapping the juice that running down Pat's neck and bare chest.
People's eyes were diverted from the homo-erotic nipple licking happening on stage, when they felt the stone floor shake. Rush had dropped dead, and there were gasps of surprise. Everyone wondered - could the rumors about him not really believing the things he says - and only saying them to make himself rich be true? You would think that selling yourself like a prostitute and spewing hatred to America for over a decade would blacken your soul enough to pass the test. A revitalized Pat jumped off the stage and checked the body. He had seen people die during the test. He was able to tell that Rush died from a massive heart attack from his slovenly lifestyle - not because he was actually a decent human being down deep inside! PHEW!
"I've got dibs on the corpe" growled a voice from one of the dark corners of the room. It was Dick Cheney, the only member of the group who didn't need to pass any loyalty oath to prove his allegiance to the evils of neo-conservatism. He walked over, complaining that no one saved any juice for him. Even if he didn't need to pass a test, he wanted to taste that sweet sweet Without even pausing to greet people, he casually walked over to Rush's enormous body and knelt down by his face. With a speed you wouldn't have believed if you didn't see it, he reached into his pocket, pulled out a silver knife, flipped it open with a flip of his wrist, and cut Rushs tongue out. "This tongue has done a lot for us, boys, we owe a lot to that fat son of a bitch!" he said, before biting off a large chunk of it, and slowly chewing it, enjoying the flavor of tongue and the reminents of the oath juice. "God, it's like eating the last animal of a species and pushing them into the oblivion of extinction" he grumbled - as his minions nodded their heads in agreement.
In his weasely little voice - Eric Cantor said "How are you tonight Lord Cheney"? Apparently hearing a hint of chipperness in his voice, Cheney whipped around and landed a thunderous backhand across Cantor's face,leaving the imprint of his ring on his bright red cheek. "How the FUCK do you think I am you worthless little SHIT"? Cantor tried to apologize, and to say that he didn't mean any..... Boener tried to save his friend by giving him the STFU look (Shut the Fuck up), but it was too late.
Cheney had been set off. It was too late to stop it. Like an MMA cage fighter, he lept toward Cantor and delivered a spear reminiscent of Bill Goldberg during his undefeated streak. Cantor folded at the midsection as Cheney's bulk hit his midsection, and flew backward onto the ground. Cheney was like a wild beast, his head buried in Cantor's throat, thrashing about with a ferocity rarely seen in humans. Everyone held out hope initially that Lord Cheney would would just be teaching Eric a lesson, and that he would let him off with a warning.
They soon learned that the lesson would be Eric's last. Eric's screams of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" seemed to only make Lord Cheney angrier, and the visciousness of the attack increased. Eric started an especially loud scream, but it was abruptly cut short and was replaced with the sound of gurgling as cheney bit through his windpipe. As Eric's body grew limp and fought no more, Cheney immediately cut off the attack. He got up, and without even needing to ask, Michael Savage rushed over with a moist towel. Bowing his head as he handed Cheney the towel, he immediately scurrried back to the group like a cockroach retreating under the sink. Cheney wiped his face with the towel, smearing Cantors blood all over it. He threw it down and it covered the gaping wound in his throat. "Let's see if we can't get someone who's not a fucktard in that seat next time- eh boys"?
Cheney seemed irritated and annoyed. His words were spat out with anger. "I didn't want to have to do that - but you can't fuck up over and over, then act like we're here for a god damned circle jerk". Everyone laughed uneasily, hoping that was the reaction Lord Cheney wanted. It was. As his mood lightened - he cracked one more joke. "All this killin has given me my own stimulous package". Even though the joke was stupid - there was a loud roar of approval and it echoed throughout the chamber.
Cheney told the group it was time to get down to business. He said that they all knew why they were there. That the Country was moving away from conservative ideas at record speed, and if things keep going this way, the Republican Party would be pushed into an increasingly small group of States in the South and a few in the midwest.
The silence of the room showed why the party was losing ground. There were no ideas, and they all knew that the whole cut taxes, deregulate, and get the Christians riled up thing wouldn't work this time. The group was primarily located in the center , as Cheney paced the outside, weaving his way in and out of the giant columns adorning the room. Each column had a single burning torch, causing the room to be filled with light and shadow, and an eerie flicker that made an already tense situation worse. Cheney's growl was much angrier this time, "NOT ONE OF YOU HAS A FUCKING IDEA - DO I NEED TO DO EVERYTHING MY GOD DAMNED SELF"?
Silence still. Only one man dared speak. You didn't need to see him to know who he was. He spoke from the back of the pack. In his nasally voice, he uttered only four words. After he said them, everyone looked at Cheney for his reaction. His eyes were covered in shadow, his mouth, still smeared with blood was covered in light. The room held it's breath as they waited for Cheney's facial expression to give them guidance. His blank expression slowly morphed into the most devious, chilling and evil smile they had ever seen. This was one of those moments they would remember forever. Everyone basked in its dark glow.
The man who brought a smile to Cheney's face was Donad Rumsfeld, of course.
The words spoken - "We need another attack".
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Wow. Great story. How did you sneak your way in to witness this? The end line honestly gave me chills.
On top of that, I now have a new dream date idea. It doesn't get anymore romantic than that Sarah/Todd date date you wrote about. Nothing says romance like a baby seal imo!
April 30, 2009 10:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
Here is the problem with “left-thinking” Marxist/Socialist ideology:
Americans, like our Founding Fathers rightly give due credit to "exceptional individuals" who by their hard work, ingenuity and creativity, promote the advance of technological discovery, and by that, entrepreneurial freedom and our system of free enterprise.
Leftist ideologues have an inordinate craving to have the government dictate both individual ability and need. America is “exceptional.” Our Founding birth documents state our rights come from God and they are inalienable. That means no human being of mortal flesh and blood can take them away, whether grouped as a “State,” “an NGO,” or a “government.” The Russians tried Marxist/Socialism – it could never work. The world over, this lesson has been learned. Leftist ideologues cannot face logical dissent; for they are “closet dictators” waiting for opportunity to engineer forceful compliance in the guise of “legalism.”
I discovered many flaws with Marxist thinking as I delved into studying the works of Karl Marx himself. The works themselves speak boldly of his real intent rather than the adaptations made by adherents on a rampage to materialize Communism in their own respective countries.
It is well known among economists and political scientists that Karl Marx wrote, regarding a political-economic “call to arms” in reaction to the level of capitalist development already achieved in Germany and England. For example, Vladimir Lenin “jumped the gun,” by “putting the cart before the horse,” in the Soviet Union, the conditions of which, at that time, were grossly inadequate for a “Communist transformation” due to its ubiquitous agrarian economy. There was no surplus production in the Soviet Union to speak of, at that time. Karl Marx wrote in 1848, and Lenin took over the Soviet Union in 1917.
Marx claimed that the rigorous discipline required to maintain the labor force, coupled with tremendous surpluses of mass production that have to be externalized, - given that wages do not allow all employable workers to obtain even the fruits of their own labor and that, even if they could, excess goods would remain stockpiled and unsold, - owners of the means of production who are the major employers are then compelled to periodically release or discharge workers into the streets, until such a time the surplus mass production is disposed of.
This is 2009 and Karl Marx proved wrong in all his assumptions regarding capitalist development, especially in America, where safeguards, protections, precautions and requirements of justice such as the minimum wage, unemployment insurance benefits, social security retirement benefits, pensions, IRA’s, CD’s etc…, are lawfully framed into the principles of the free market so that comprehensive prosperity has continuum with inalienable rights to constructive liberty.
Marx wrote that every economic stage is poignant with contradictions due to the unity of opposites – excessive abundance and artificially created scarcities, for example - and eventually, a "revolution" or “social explosion” occurs and the next stage is attained. In that manner, Karl Marx proceeded from the first stage or "primitive accumulation," to various stages, such as the manorial system, mercantilism, and then, up to Capitalism, from which ensues "Socialism," – during the stage of Socialism, the State or government owns every means of production, and controls distribution of goods and services. (I am briefly summarizing; now remember, every stage is filled with contradictions and must "explode" eventually.) And finally, the stage of “Communism,” is reached whereby “society” owns all things in common.
In that final stage, as if by "Merlinesque magic," "the State withers away," and “society” becomes "the administration of things and the direction of production." Since each stage is assumed to be poignant with contradictions, the State or government cannot “wither away.” What kind of things will be administered; what kind of things will be produced? How will they be directed? And then directed to where? Who will administer? Who will direct?
What a fantasy! A godless dreaming conspirator like Karl Marx suddenly vaporizes, dissolves, disintegrates, pulverizes and escapes from every assumption he posited regarding Capitalism and "human nature," - "contradictions," "unity of opposites," “economic stages,” and "revolution," all, go “out of the window.” And Marx had "solutions" to "greed," "injustice," “private property,” and other so-called "irrational passions," coming from the State or government, now posing as the final “owners” of all means of production. He dismissed all forms of spirituality as a “crutch.” He stated that “Religion,” is the “opiate of the masses” and would have to be abolished. And his motto in replacing the free market was: "From each according to his ability (don't forget about the "drones" who must clean the stool, empty the trash, enter the mines, unclog the sewers etc.., who decides?.) and to each according to his need." Really? Who decides?
So the State that "magically" “withers” away now will determine both "ability" and "need" for all persons under the jurisdiction of the State or government.
Human ability would be constrained by State bureaucrats “administering things,” – no one could develop to the fullest development of his or her potentialities. Human need would be determined by the State or government bureaucrats who would “direct production,” – no one could prosper in pursuit of his or her lifelong goals; as already understood, no entrepreneur needs apply, for that implies the revival of private ownership of property. In our representative democracy, we know that hard work and gainful employment can bring great prosperity - Bill Gates and countless millionaires know this self-evident truth.
But from Karl Marx’s standpoint, only government bureaucrats would be allowed to dispense “private property” to laborers in payment for labor; and only State bureaucrats would determine the value or worth of labor, incentives, rewards, amount of owned property or final incomes.
Marxist/Socialism does not make sense except for people who entertain totalitarian fascism as a State-controlled “political system,” denying individual rights and micro-managing private lives.
“From each according to his ability, to each according to his need,” is the most satanic doctrine ever devised by the mind of Man. Long live Capitalism, the work ethic, the free market, entrepreneurial freedom, and the rule of law based upon the consent of the governed! Let’s keep voting!
Karl Marx was simultaneously naive, cynical and deceitful. He is Darwin's "twin brother," so to speak. Darwin also opposed human spirituality in his godless publications; he advocated a “theory of origin” that contradicts the Holy Bible. Marx and Darwin “paired up” in that, “descendants of apes,” would thus “struggle,” or “make revolution” merely to achieve government or State ownership of all means of production, and then, position themselves as “top bureaucrats,” – no different from the Soviet Union disaster that crippled its capacities for economic and democratic development.
We must reject Marxist/Socialist ideology and the “ape mentality” that degrades humanity in the saying that “the monkey with the most toys wins.” The Holy Bible tells us that God created us “in His own image and unto His own likeness;” and the Declaration of Independence states it’s a self-evident truth that we are created by God who endowed us with our inalienable rights.
For the horrendous sufferings Karl Marx and Charles Darwin have caused on the earth, they deserve eternity in Hell.
Thanks. With God's blessings, LEO
May 1, 2009 11:28 AM | Reply | Permalink
Leo, Leo, Leo. Its Good to see you back to your cut and paste rants. I feel like joining in today.
Who brought up Karl? Darwin too? Eternity in hell for presenting thought provoking ideas? Where is your Christian love?
“From each according to his ability, to each according to his need,” is the most satanic doctrine ever devised by the mind of Man.
Really? thats the most satanic? Sounds like a philosophy from someone else I've read.
Should have thrown the bum out. Couldn't he have gotten a job or something?
Commie hippie.
May 1, 2009 11:38 AM | Reply | Permalink
WO, wo, wo, wait one minute. "We need another attack"?
You mean, like, another attack like the attack on 9/11/01? I thought Cheney had nothing, NOT ONE THING, to do with ANY of that, and anyone who would imply that "another attack" means that there was, like, once a FIRST attack, and that attack was, you know, like sort of maybe enabled or possibly kinda even welcomed or maybe even . . . planned is, like, tinfoil-hat crazy, know what I mean?
I am, like, AMAZED that crazedandconfused hasn't had a "come to Jesus and the article in Popular Mechanics" email from TPM's main man, telling him in no uncertain terms that ANY mention of the events of 9/11/01 in terms that imply connection with the Bush Administration (instead of dogged compliance with the 19Saudis Theory) is strictly forbidden under Terms Of Use policies, and so please shut up for JesusChristCrucified's sake or we'll pull your blog?
So I'm pretty sure that's not, not ever, never, never what you were implying, right? Right? Because it would be crazy and indecent and unAmerican to think that.
May 1, 2009 3:38 PM | Reply | Permalink
Maybe I don't have a full enough grasp on the English language - but how does saying we need another attack mean that we had anything to do with the first one? REALLY?
I would bet all I had that if Cheney were to hear word of another attack on the U.S. from a neighbor walking down the street (that's all - nothing else) - on his way back to his lair - DON'T TELL ME he wouldn't have a little skip and his step and twinkle in his eye just waiting to say "LOOK - I WAS RIGHT"
That's what I meant. The ONLY way they save THE ENTIRE PHILOSOPHY ON WHICH THEY HAVE LIVED AND GOVERNED IS IF WE SUFFER ANOTHER ATTACK!!!
They don't even need it to be planes into buildings. Michelle "The Screeching Schitzo" tried to blame the swine flu on Obama. The radical right wing christians will blame earthquakes or god forbid a Yellowstone Supervolcano that could be that "Mother Nature killing us all to save herself" event I referenced on Obama ( and YES - this is another part of the stimulus package the Republicans mocked, then got removed). They mock it because it involves science - and the only science they need is viagra, and the bible.
So no - you can pull my blog - but it only shows your own ignorance - or since I actually like some of what you wrote - your possible overreaction and misunderstanding of my point.
May 1, 2009 5:36 PM | Reply | Permalink