Greetings friends in Christ.   I'm so happy that I have such a loving Christian environment in order to pose this question.  It's actually been bothering me lately wondering if I've been doing something wrong when I do that most sinful business - number 2.

Actually - I think I've got a pretty good handle on the actual act.  It's the process of making myself holy again that I'm questioning.  Don't get me wrong - I never thought I had an issue with it before.  But this damned Charmin commercials with their red cartoon bears have gotten me all in a dither.

Charmin has created this entire ad campaign using these bears.  They are in essence asking "if a red cartoon bear shits in the woods, does it choose a luxury brand bathroom tissue to wipe."

And it's this act of wiping where I'm having my problem.  This little cartoon bear's commercials run during all of my favorite shows, sometimes three to four times per hour.  Now, I want to know what they are feeding that little bastard to cause the continual shitting.  But on top of it's ability to produce gargantuan bear shat on command, it says that Charmin is the only bath tissue that "doesn't leave behind pieces" (obviously during the purification ritual). 

Now - I'm a guy who understands that a little pampering of his nether regions is not a bad thing.  I'll always shell out an extra few bucks to get the quality "TP for my bunghole" vs the shit that seems to be half bark half thumbtacks.  But even in those college days when money was tight and I wasn't able to buy the most plush products to wipe Satan's stew off my backside, I've NEVER and I repeat NEVER noticed pieces of shit covered toilet paper nestled into that area that dare not speak it's name. 

Am I doing something wrong?  Is it actually the goal to wipe so hard and long that you grind a once pure piece of bath tissue up into dozens of disgusting pieces?  And if that really is the goal and I've been doing it wrong all this time - for God sakes - WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

So - either I've been doing things just fine for well over 20 years (There were several years during middle / high school when I was not so thorough in this area.  Unfortunately I was the victim of a cruel practical joke that caused me to employ a technique that was extremely inefective.  I soon earned the terrible nicknames "Sir Skidmarks" and "Cap'n Fudge Trail".  I had to switch schools three times before I was courageous enough to seek professional help for my problem.  But since then I've been much better.

So now you can see why this cartoon bear has got me so confused.  I would appreciate any and all help you can provide and let me know if the bear is full of shit (I understand he is literally full of shit, due to the excessive amounts of shitting he does during my commercials, but I am more interested in whether anyone else has ever had the unfortunate problem of leaving pieces behind.   Most things we leave behind are things we're fond of; things we'll miss.  I should hope none of you are fond of these terrible pieces of disgustingness.

Thank you for your help.  Both Jesus and I thank you for your assistance in this delicate matter.

Reverend Ezekiel