Except, vote for Barack Obama and let's get this over with.

Smallton, PA:  Today, prosecutors made public a 54 count indictment against one of the 77 magic talking cows that just this week endorsed Hillary Clinton.  The indictments of this magic talking cow center around the accusation that the cow has secretely been importing her milk from China and passing it off as her own.
   It's unclear how Clinton's association with the magic talking cow will impact the campaign.  Clinton herself has not commented but her campaign released the following statement: Senator Clinton met this magic talking cow when she was eight-years-old.  Senator Clinton has denounced the actions of the magic talking cow and has returned the three wishes recently granted by said cow. To be clear, the senator does not believe that her childhood association with this magic talking cow should be an issue in the campaign. She trusts the people of Pennsylvania and America to understand that one cannot be held accountable for the actions of every magic talking cow one meets in one's life.
   

Smallton, PA-- The Clinton campaign announced today that 77 Talking Guernsey Cows will stand before microphones at 5 p.m. ET with a collective endorsement of her candidacy for the Democratic Nomination. "Many of these cows are from small Pennsylvania towns," said Clinton spokesperson, Notta Chanse.
    Besides being gifted with the ability to speak, these Guernsey cows are also known for their ability to grant three wishes to anyone who milks them, something that the Clinton campaign feels will come in handy. 
     "You know," Clinton herself said today, "I feel really good about getting the Guernsey cow endorsement. After my father taught me to shoot guns, we went out to the barn, threw back a Boilermaker, and then he taught me how to milk a cow." 
    When asked if she thought the endorsement would make any difference as to who will be the Democratic Nominee, Chanse responded.  "Look, we're certain that if enough magic talking cows come out for Senator Clinton, she will be the next President of the United States. If the magic cows don't show up at the polls, we understand the math, and Mrs. Clinton will step aside to write a book about the campaign, hopefully with an advance large enough to pay our outstanding bills and all my back salary."

I grew up on foodstamps and government cheese. I'm an elitist. My mother raised us on tips from her job at Denny's. I'm an elitist. I put myself through college by working at a grocery store. I'm an elitist. I used my education to become a college professor. I'm an elitist. I've lived in apartments all my adult life, and now, at 41, have finally purchased my first home. I'm an elitist. My mother and stepfather just came to visit me for the first time since I left California. We played Hearts and watched the Evening news. I'm an elitist. I'm voting for Barack Obama. I'm an elitist.