Secret Diary of John McCain (part 1): "I don't really want to be President"
January 3, 2008: Man, Iowa is cold. You know, gosh, this first primary (ok, caucus, whatever) has wiped me out. I don't know what I was thinking getting into another Presidential run. I'm old, I'm rich and Jon Stewart likes me. What do I need to be President for? Whew, looks like I dodged a bullet though, since Huck won. Hell, even Mittens beat me. Fourth place! With any luck I can get out of this in a couple weeks and go hit the craps tables for some R&R.
Also, you know this Obama kid seems pretty cool. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if he won. Certainly better than that creep Rudy.
January 4, 2008: WTF?!! For some reason the jokesters on CNN and Fox are saying that I had a good night! Are they nuts? This is what I get for cozying up to the press for so many years. Sheesh!
January 8, 2008: Aw, crap! I won New Hampshire! After my victory speech, I mentioned to Ricky D that maybe we should lay low and let the other guys duke it out. He didn't take the bait, he was all "Senator, it'll look like you're trying to lose! You're in enough trouble with conservatives as it is, you've gotta look like a fighter!"
He's right though.. I gotta figure out how to blow this thing without looking like I'm trying to blow it.
I told him maybe keeping a low profile would be "mavericky". He told me he could spin that. Spin, my ass!
February 5, 2008: DAMNIT! Super Tuesday... more like Stupid Tuesday (LOL). I let these guys have every opportunity to beat me, and the only one who hasn't managed to knock his own ass outta the race is Huck! Jeez, Mitt, you're up against Huck, a fella that thinks 30% and 23% are the same number, and me -- a guy that is barely running and that most conservatives don't even like... and you lost to both of us!
Ricky D said "Huckabee's putting up a good fight, but it's pretty much impossible to lose now, Senator. You're going to be the Republican nominee for the President of the United States!"
Lame. I wish Nevada would have another caucus.
March 17, 2008: I'm getting good at this "blowing it" thing... Someone asked me if I though condoms prevented AIDS and I pretended I had no idea. I swear, I was this close to asking if condoms were causing the subprime crisis. Hopefully the cable channels will pick up on this... Well, not Fox, of course, that's too much to hope for. I'm pretty sure I could wrap a bible in the American flag and beat a kitten to death with it, and Hannity would say it was "bold" and ask why O is so lenient on kittens. Much better than my Sunni/Shia gaffe, which it turns out is a bit to esoteric for voters... or reporters. I wish Mean Stevens hadn't said that "series of tubes" nonsense, that's a great line. He'd be my hero if he was kidding.
April 30, 2008: Ricky D was nagging me about a running mate, since I've clinched the nomination (yippee, whoo-hoo, let's throw a fuckin' cat through a window and sing zippidy-doo-dah!). I told him we should wait until Hillary chooses her nominee.
I hope I didn't look too happy when he said it was probably gonna be that Obama kid.
Also, I mentioned I'm computer illiterate (as if!), I hope that gets picked up in the mainstream press. Good news on that front, though, the boys on the bus are beginning to feel left out. It's about damn time. I tell you, I figured letting them see how lavish my damn "cabin" is would get them to realize I'm fucking rich as hell, but I made the mistake of feeding them and letting them play on my tire swing, and apparently that's enough to buy these lemming's love. Yo, Obama? Wanna win this thing? Put some Kraft EZ-Mac on the bus, watch your press coverage go through the freakin' roof.
May 9, 2008: Nothing new to report, except Rush seems to be backing off of his claim that I'm worthless scum. Grow a spine, you draft-dodging drug addict!
May 18, 2008: Just got back from dinner with Hagel. Dude is smart, he figured out I wasn't "really" running. It felt so good to finally tell someone. Then I begged him not to endorse me. He was like, "John, I wasn't going to endorse you even when I thought you were serious."
me: "Well, why not? You're one of my best friends!"
Chuck: "You just begged me not to!"
me: "That was before I knew you weren't going to... Now I want it!"
Chuck: "OK, I'll endorse you."
me: "You do, and I'll kick your ass, surrender monkey!"
We laughed. I guess you had to be there.
June 12, 2008: You know, I was checking up on some Twitterers that I like to keep up on and one said "McCain has flip-flopped way more than Kerry did, why don't teh media lamerz call him on it?" and you know what? He's right! I went out of my own way to flip-flop. Hell, I even said that I wouldn't vote for my own goddamn immigration bill! I flip-flopped on fucking TORTURE! You know, I hated to do that, it hurt like hell. But, look, after Iowa, I went and picked up "Dreams From My Father" on my Kindle, and I gotta say, I think a man with the sort of experiences O has had, and the intelligence and introspection he's shown while examining how his own story fits within a larger American and global story... I don't want to stand in the way of that. Plus that speech he gave after Jeremiah Wright hit YouTube, well it just about brought tears to my eyes. And this is coming from a guy that voted against MLK day (why hasn't that bitten me in the ass harder, too? Seriously, do I have to wear a hood?)
June 25, 2008: Ughh... I'm glad I'm not in this thing for real, or my feelings would really be hurt. The one sincere policy proposal I made was for a $300 million dollar prize for revolutionary battery technology, and everyone is laughing at it! Be careful what you wish for huh?
The thing is, the prize wasn't really about electric cars per se (I still think Hydrogen fuel cells are the way to go, the infrastructure problems are actually a great opportunity to jump-start the economy when you think about it)... it's actually that I was able to get a pre-release iPhone 3G a few days ago, and it's definitely a big improvement over the first gen product. But, man, the battery drains way too fast, especially when you're browsing the web a lot (#2 in my Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball league, take that Hagel! But who knew Kucinich was so good? Maybe the aliens are helping him). Plus I have a cool craps game on it, and that's as close to the tables as Schmidtty let's me get nowadays. Speaking of which, I can't wait for November 5th and I can be just another wannabe. Apparently the Mandalay Bay has a topless pool, and I've got enough player points to get a full RFB comp there. Plus I'm rich as a mother fucker, so they'd comp me anyways (Thanks, Cindy!*)
* (also, sorry for calling you that thing I called you. And also, sorry for secretly posting about it on Kos, but the story doesn't do me any good unless people know about it.)
July 15, 2008: So, those scrawny ad kids Rove hired showed me some tv spots. One nearly made me spray my yoohoo through my nose, it was so bad. It had Brittney Spears and that other hussy, whatshername... Paris Doubletree or whatever. No, wait... Geneva Doubletree... Anyhow, the ad called Obama a "celebrity"! Man, this ad is so bad. I love it. That asshole Rove must have popped a brain vessel or something, he's lost his mind. Oh, yeah, pointing out how much people like my opponent is REALLY smart. How about we point out how handsome he is next time, out, huh?
Thank god I don't really want to be President or I'd be pissed at these lozerz. They tell me that if O gets a big crowd in Germany, they'll cut in footage of that. YES!! Point out that he's not just popular here, but around the entire goddamn planet! Let's do it, baby!
August 4, 2008: YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! The ad is working? The ad that compares a brilliant, accomplished candidate for the Presidency to Madrid Holidayinn is getting traction? I pulled up Pollster on my Blackberry, and then checked RCP and then checked out my RSS feeds from Gallup and they all say the same thing: The ad works! I figured this one was going to be laughed off the air, but apparently some people were like, "huh, never thought about it that way. Hey, are we out of PBR?"
Sorry, O, I was tryin' to do you a solid on that one. I'll make it up to you in the debates... (heh, heh... maybe I'll call you "that one"!)
August 19, 2008: Check it: I decided on a running mate. I haven't told anyone yet, because I want Mittens and Joe the Cranky Senator to think they've got a shot. Joe, mainly because it's kinda funny to see those droopy eyes, but Mittens is the big prize. Dude's gonna blow his top. Speaking of his top, how the hell can you lose the nomination with hair like that? Huh, Mitt? It's gorgeous, it's better than John Edwards' hair. It's like JFK hair. Hair like that doesn't grow on trees (trust me, I know!).
Oh, yeah, back to my running mate. Well, I don't wanna spoil the surprise, so let's just say that as soon as I saw the wikipedia page forher this person, I knew that I'd found a surefire way to lose this sucker. Just hope O doesn't pick a woman for his running mate or Schmidtty won't go for it.
August 22, 2008: Sometimes I'm some sort of genius. "How many houses do you own?" "Hell if I know lady, it's tough to count that high at my age!" Whooo!!!!!
Aaaaannnndddd... O is announcing his running mate tomorrow. Please be Biden! Please be Biden! Please be Biden! Come on, come on....
August 23, 2008: YES! Biden! Foreign policy street cred up the wazoo and enough foot in mouth disease to permanently steal the crown of Maverickness from my head. Careful, Joe, heavy weighs the crown of media narrative. Also, we're matched-up next week in Fantasy Baseball... You can beat me in the campaign, but you can't take down my pitching staff!
We're "vetting" my pick right now, by which I mean I assigned an intern to read her press releases and circle any swear words. So far she's coming up clean. I mean, uh... my candidate is... aw, fuck it, it's a her. Like that narrows it down a lot.
Hey, you want another hint? The only other person who thinks this is a good idea is some kid blogging from his mom's kitchen. I'm taking political advice from someone who very recently spent the first two hours of each day looking forward to recess.
More later....
Also, you know this Obama kid seems pretty cool. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if he won. Certainly better than that creep Rudy.
January 4, 2008: WTF?!! For some reason the jokesters on CNN and Fox are saying that I had a good night! Are they nuts? This is what I get for cozying up to the press for so many years. Sheesh!
January 8, 2008: Aw, crap! I won New Hampshire! After my victory speech, I mentioned to Ricky D that maybe we should lay low and let the other guys duke it out. He didn't take the bait, he was all "Senator, it'll look like you're trying to lose! You're in enough trouble with conservatives as it is, you've gotta look like a fighter!"
He's right though.. I gotta figure out how to blow this thing without looking like I'm trying to blow it.
I told him maybe keeping a low profile would be "mavericky". He told me he could spin that. Spin, my ass!
February 5, 2008: DAMNIT! Super Tuesday... more like Stupid Tuesday (LOL). I let these guys have every opportunity to beat me, and the only one who hasn't managed to knock his own ass outta the race is Huck! Jeez, Mitt, you're up against Huck, a fella that thinks 30% and 23% are the same number, and me -- a guy that is barely running and that most conservatives don't even like... and you lost to both of us!
Ricky D said "Huckabee's putting up a good fight, but it's pretty much impossible to lose now, Senator. You're going to be the Republican nominee for the President of the United States!"
Lame. I wish Nevada would have another caucus.
March 17, 2008: I'm getting good at this "blowing it" thing... Someone asked me if I though condoms prevented AIDS and I pretended I had no idea. I swear, I was this close to asking if condoms were causing the subprime crisis. Hopefully the cable channels will pick up on this... Well, not Fox, of course, that's too much to hope for. I'm pretty sure I could wrap a bible in the American flag and beat a kitten to death with it, and Hannity would say it was "bold" and ask why O is so lenient on kittens. Much better than my Sunni/Shia gaffe, which it turns out is a bit to esoteric for voters... or reporters. I wish Mean Stevens hadn't said that "series of tubes" nonsense, that's a great line. He'd be my hero if he was kidding.
April 30, 2008: Ricky D was nagging me about a running mate, since I've clinched the nomination (yippee, whoo-hoo, let's throw a fuckin' cat through a window and sing zippidy-doo-dah!). I told him we should wait until Hillary chooses her nominee.
I hope I didn't look too happy when he said it was probably gonna be that Obama kid.
Also, I mentioned I'm computer illiterate (as if!), I hope that gets picked up in the mainstream press. Good news on that front, though, the boys on the bus are beginning to feel left out. It's about damn time. I tell you, I figured letting them see how lavish my damn "cabin" is would get them to realize I'm fucking rich as hell, but I made the mistake of feeding them and letting them play on my tire swing, and apparently that's enough to buy these lemming's love. Yo, Obama? Wanna win this thing? Put some Kraft EZ-Mac on the bus, watch your press coverage go through the freakin' roof.
May 9, 2008: Nothing new to report, except Rush seems to be backing off of his claim that I'm worthless scum. Grow a spine, you draft-dodging drug addict!
May 18, 2008: Just got back from dinner with Hagel. Dude is smart, he figured out I wasn't "really" running. It felt so good to finally tell someone. Then I begged him not to endorse me. He was like, "John, I wasn't going to endorse you even when I thought you were serious."
me: "Well, why not? You're one of my best friends!"
Chuck: "You just begged me not to!"
me: "That was before I knew you weren't going to... Now I want it!"
Chuck: "OK, I'll endorse you."
me: "You do, and I'll kick your ass, surrender monkey!"
We laughed. I guess you had to be there.
June 12, 2008: You know, I was checking up on some Twitterers that I like to keep up on and one said "McCain has flip-flopped way more than Kerry did, why don't teh media lamerz call him on it?" and you know what? He's right! I went out of my own way to flip-flop. Hell, I even said that I wouldn't vote for my own goddamn immigration bill! I flip-flopped on fucking TORTURE! You know, I hated to do that, it hurt like hell. But, look, after Iowa, I went and picked up "Dreams From My Father" on my Kindle, and I gotta say, I think a man with the sort of experiences O has had, and the intelligence and introspection he's shown while examining how his own story fits within a larger American and global story... I don't want to stand in the way of that. Plus that speech he gave after Jeremiah Wright hit YouTube, well it just about brought tears to my eyes. And this is coming from a guy that voted against MLK day (why hasn't that bitten me in the ass harder, too? Seriously, do I have to wear a hood?)
June 25, 2008: Ughh... I'm glad I'm not in this thing for real, or my feelings would really be hurt. The one sincere policy proposal I made was for a $300 million dollar prize for revolutionary battery technology, and everyone is laughing at it! Be careful what you wish for huh?
The thing is, the prize wasn't really about electric cars per se (I still think Hydrogen fuel cells are the way to go, the infrastructure problems are actually a great opportunity to jump-start the economy when you think about it)... it's actually that I was able to get a pre-release iPhone 3G a few days ago, and it's definitely a big improvement over the first gen product. But, man, the battery drains way too fast, especially when you're browsing the web a lot (#2 in my Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball league, take that Hagel! But who knew Kucinich was so good? Maybe the aliens are helping him). Plus I have a cool craps game on it, and that's as close to the tables as Schmidtty let's me get nowadays. Speaking of which, I can't wait for November 5th and I can be just another wannabe. Apparently the Mandalay Bay has a topless pool, and I've got enough player points to get a full RFB comp there. Plus I'm rich as a mother fucker, so they'd comp me anyways (Thanks, Cindy!*)
* (also, sorry for calling you that thing I called you. And also, sorry for secretly posting about it on Kos, but the story doesn't do me any good unless people know about it.)
July 15, 2008: So, those scrawny ad kids Rove hired showed me some tv spots. One nearly made me spray my yoohoo through my nose, it was so bad. It had Brittney Spears and that other hussy, whatshername... Paris Doubletree or whatever. No, wait... Geneva Doubletree... Anyhow, the ad called Obama a "celebrity"! Man, this ad is so bad. I love it. That asshole Rove must have popped a brain vessel or something, he's lost his mind. Oh, yeah, pointing out how much people like my opponent is REALLY smart. How about we point out how handsome he is next time, out, huh?
Thank god I don't really want to be President or I'd be pissed at these lozerz. They tell me that if O gets a big crowd in Germany, they'll cut in footage of that. YES!! Point out that he's not just popular here, but around the entire goddamn planet! Let's do it, baby!
August 4, 2008: YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! The ad is working? The ad that compares a brilliant, accomplished candidate for the Presidency to Madrid Holidayinn is getting traction? I pulled up Pollster on my Blackberry, and then checked RCP and then checked out my RSS feeds from Gallup and they all say the same thing: The ad works! I figured this one was going to be laughed off the air, but apparently some people were like, "huh, never thought about it that way. Hey, are we out of PBR?"
Sorry, O, I was tryin' to do you a solid on that one. I'll make it up to you in the debates... (heh, heh... maybe I'll call you "that one"!)
August 19, 2008: Check it: I decided on a running mate. I haven't told anyone yet, because I want Mittens and Joe the Cranky Senator to think they've got a shot. Joe, mainly because it's kinda funny to see those droopy eyes, but Mittens is the big prize. Dude's gonna blow his top. Speaking of his top, how the hell can you lose the nomination with hair like that? Huh, Mitt? It's gorgeous, it's better than John Edwards' hair. It's like JFK hair. Hair like that doesn't grow on trees (trust me, I know!).
Oh, yeah, back to my running mate. Well, I don't wanna spoil the surprise, so let's just say that as soon as I saw the wikipedia page for
August 22, 2008: Sometimes I'm some sort of genius. "How many houses do you own?" "Hell if I know lady, it's tough to count that high at my age!" Whooo!!!!!
Aaaaannnndddd... O is announcing his running mate tomorrow. Please be Biden! Please be Biden! Please be Biden! Come on, come on....
August 23, 2008: YES! Biden! Foreign policy street cred up the wazoo and enough foot in mouth disease to permanently steal the crown of Maverickness from my head. Careful, Joe, heavy weighs the crown of media narrative. Also, we're matched-up next week in Fantasy Baseball... You can beat me in the campaign, but you can't take down my pitching staff!
We're "vetting" my pick right now, by which I mean I assigned an intern to read her press releases and circle any swear words. So far she's coming up clean. I mean, uh... my candidate is... aw, fuck it, it's a her. Like that narrows it down a lot.
Hey, you want another hint? The only other person who thinks this is a good idea is some kid blogging from his mom's kitchen. I'm taking political advice from someone who very recently spent the first two hours of each day looking forward to recess.
More later....
