I don't have any good jokes, but have you seen the one about the chicken crossing the road?

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep o n her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

GOOD: A Fargo, ND policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12- year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Grand Forks, ND . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A North Dakota State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 'He replied, 'North Dakota State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

hhahahaha

Auntie, you have to do a stand up routine. In your little town there must be a tavern. Get a mike.

Meanwhile I am staying here, it is too scary at the other blogs. hahahahahahhaha

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. (this was sent to me some time ago. I never verified but I thought it was funny)

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call

The woodsman was on his way home through the forest where he had gathered wood for the week on his sled.
While dragging the sled he heard a sound:

I'm cold, oh I'm so coooold

The woodsman proceeded on his course anyway and he heard:

I'm cold, oh I'm so coooold.

The woodsman proceeded on his course in spite of the plea:

I'm cold, oh I'm sooooo cooold.

This time, his humanity was tugged to the point where he could not longer be so cold, so to speak, and he looked over and saw a small toad shivering in the below zero clime. So he stopped and picked up the creature, carefully putting in his inside pocket and proceeded on his way home.

After he arrived at his destination, he fixed a fine fire from the sticks and lumber he had harvested. He then supped and carefully put the small creature by the fire and retired to his bed.

In the middle of the night he heard a sound:

I'm cold, I'm soooooo coooooold.

So our woodsman arose from his safe bed and came out to the fireplace and picked up the toad and took it into his bed with him.

And in the morn, he discovered a miracle had occurred during the night and the toad had turned into a beautiful young girl.

AND THAT YOUR HONOR IS THE CASE FOR THE DEFENSE.

Harley Davidson and God

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle!'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!
'Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.!

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??