[Note: This is an update of a piece that was published today at the FarceHaven Tribune <a href="http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/10/mccain-touts-plan-to-privatize.phphttp://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/10/mccain-touts-plan-to-privatize.php">http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/10/mccain-touts-plan-to-privatize.php</a>. More of my satire can be viewed at http://davidwriting.com.]

Since we reported on John McCain’s plans to debate Paris Hilton, Senator McCain has asked to postpone the first two debates because of the national economic crisis, and the third because he needs to wash his hair.  The Hilton campaign responded with a press release saying “Whatever.”
McCain has also asked to postpone a debate between Sarah Palin and Hilton’s running mate, Britney Spears, on the topic of childrearing and family values.  The Spears campaign responded with a statement that a Vice Presidential candidate ought to be able to do two things at once, like twiddle her thumbs and wait by the phone, or feed a baby and drive.
Senator McCain announced that postponing the debates is part of a suspension of his campaign, and he has called upon Hilton to do the same, although McCain campaign offices remain open across the country and the senator continues to grandstand, run ads, pose for photo ops, fundraise, issue press releases, send surrogates to attack Hilton, and send surrogates to update his Web site.  When asked how this constitutes a suspension of campaign activities, McCain spokesman *ucker Bounds accused the press of deliberately taking McCain’s words out of context, explaining, “By suspend, Senator McCain meant that we would hang him by the shoulders from hooks in the ceiling so that he doesn’t collapse on his face.  Kind of like Weekend at Bernie’s.

Hilton has since been sighted at The Leather Pussycat shopping for a presidential-looking bondage swing.