[Still figuring out how this process works.  Hopefully this one will post OK.]

After the financial bailout crumbled before he could take credit, Arizona Senator John McCain has finally taken the bull by the mess it left behind, and announced a bailout plan of his own.  “The problem with the earlier plan,” McCain explains, “is that it relies on big government to save the banks.  My plan puts the bailout in the hands of the free market, which is the only solution that works in times like these.”

The McCain plan will not fund the buyouts directly but instead give tax dollars to private corporations, which will use these funds to purchase failing banks.  Golden parachutes will be strictly prohibited under the McCain plan. To compensate CEOs for the lack of gold parachutes, the plan will fly executives of failed banks to Aruba for parasailing, using only parachutes made of canvas, nylon, or silk.

The proposed bailout will come with a price tag of $805 billion because of a 15% processing fee paid to the purchasing institutions, but that’s OK, because it contains no earmarks.  McCain’s handlers view the absence of pork as especially important to McCain’s support among Jewish voters, in light of Obama’s recent gains in Florida.  However, there remains a strong consensus that something about this plan is not kosher.

 At present, the McCain bill has the support of 3 congressional Democrats, 12 congressional Republicans, and President Bush.  Senator McCain has issued a press release saying that if this bill fails, it will be because the Democrats are too partisan.  Unfortunately, the only person who can deliver this statement with a straight face is McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who isn’t allowed to talk to the press this week because she’s grounded.