To the  citizens of the United States  of America, from Her  Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of  your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for  President of the USA, and thus to  govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your  independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen  Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,  commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). 

Your new Prime Minister,  Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further  elections.

Congress and the Senate will  be disbanded. 

A questionnaire may be  circulated, next year, to determine whether any of you  noticed. 

To aid in the transition to a  British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with  immediate effect:
  (You should look up  'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium,  and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just  how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be  reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and  'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without  skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by  the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your  vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 

3. Using the same twenty-seven  words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know'  is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is  no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your  behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into  account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of  -ize. 

4. July 4th will no longer be  celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve  personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact  that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not  quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting  grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or  speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 

6. Therefore, you will no  longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a  vegetable peeler. (Although a permit will be required if you  wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.)

7. All intersections will be  replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left  side, with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric,  with immediate effect, and without the benefit of conversion  tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will  help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you  have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to  it.

9. You will learn to make real  chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and  those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called  crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed  not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff  you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth,  only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European  brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound  the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the  beer. They are also part of British  Commonwealth -  see what it did for them.  American brands will be  referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold  without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally  to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast  English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell  attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was  an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese  grater. 

12. You will cease playing  American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you  call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed  to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but  does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing  full kevlar body armour, like a bunch of nancies).

13. Further, you will stop  playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the  World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are  aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is  understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the  South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 

14. You must tell us who  killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent  (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you  shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to  1776). 

16. Daily Tea Time begins  promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,  with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries  (with cream) when in season.

God Save the  Queen!