PRE-CONDITIONS: The Post-Election Life of a Male McCain Supporter© by Burke Mudge
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The following conversation portrays how staunch white Male McCain supporters will continue their fight in the suburbs well after the White House has already been lost to the Obama Administration. This McCain supporter will roll his eyes at what he believes is naïveté everywhere he turns, he will grumble about all the young folk just not having experience, but he'll most likely just keep yelling at kids to get off his carefully manicured lawn. You can be assured, after hearing the McCain camp spew out every cliché month after month; this will transfer into the Post-Election Male McCain supporter's everyday vernacular. Have a look at Jim (the Electrician) and Joan as they discuss their son Johnny's Parent / Teacher Association issues......
Joan:
We're meeting up with the Binders on Tuesday night, keep it open.
Jim:
What? You can't just set up a meeting with the Binders on Tuesday!
Joan:
What's wrong with that?
Jim:
Look, I like your diplomatic approach to neighbourly relations, it's endearing and it's cute.
Joan:
Oh, is it now?
Jim:
Yes darling. However, you know as well as I do, they run the PTA where Johnny goes to school, and they have some radical views.
Joan:
Radical? You are exaggerating as always, you are out of touch, you haven't even been to a PTA meeting since little Johnny's been going to this new school.
Jim:
I don't have to Joan! I've already been there in theory! My friend, as you know I acted as the guardian for my brother's PTA meetings when we were growing up.....
Joan:
Oh boy, here we go again - look, Jim - it's admirable that when your parents left and joined the circus leaving you and Tim alone to fend for yourself. It's heartbreaking, what you did is even staggering genius and you are to be admired for that, becoming guardian for Timmy and going to his PTA meetings, but that was then, this is now. No one is going to say you aren't a hero for doing that.
Jim:
Joan my friend, I've been to those meetings, I've been tested. I have the experience this family needs. I believe our best days our ahead of us
Joan:
Is this why you get to sit and watch baseball everytime I have a meeting to go to? And stop calling me "my friend".
Jim:
We need to focus on the issues here. Like I said, I've already been to those meetings, I've looked the Binders in the eye, and you know what I saw? H-O-T, as in SPICY HOT FOOD. Woman, the dishes they ordered in for the rest of us that meeting made me sweat, but they wouldn't break me. I kept eating the Tikka Masala, and the pickled mango.
Joan:
Listen, it's already established that I go to those meetings and you don't. I understand that Barney shares your views anyway, and we vote the way he does 90% of the time, no matter how stupid or unpopular his take is - we seem to agree. Strange.
Jim:
Listen Joan. I'm glad we've cleared that up, but let's just get back to the matter at hand, I am announcing right now that I will suspend watching my baseball game tonight if I have to get this crisis resolved.
Joan:
So you mean you'll hit mute on the TV as you as watch it anyway?
Jim:
See, that's what I'm talking about, you're so clever, and so eloquent and you confuse things so easily. You obfuscate and festoon. I'm just trying to talk directly to the Binder question, you know without having to go through the filter of the sound of a blender running distorting my positions on the issues here.
Joan:
Fine, out with it already.
Jim:
Out with it? I thought we said we'd have a respectful discussion, I pledged to make this a respectful and clean kitchen, don't make me sling this spoonful of sweet mashed potato at you...
Joan:
Jim, you have the floor, I'm not saying nor have I said anything denigrating to you. I just want to have the Binders over for dinner so we can review some of their plans for the PTA this year.
Jim:
Who wants to have the Binders over for dinner ALL the time, this one! (points to her)
Joan:
Jim! I've only suggested this one other time!
Jim:
Listen (stifling mocking laughter) You CANNOT just sit down with the Binders without PRE-CONDITIONS!
Joan:
What?? Are you out of your mind?
Jim:
Now you're just being naïve. That's reckless. That's dangerous.
Joan:
Dangerous? How on earth is that being dangerous?
Jim:
I'll say it again, you cannot just sit down with the heads of the PTA, people who have explicitly stated they'd like to wipe recess off the face of the earth.
Joan:
They did NOT say that, they said it should be shortened or used for more library time or even lengthen gym class so the kids get more exercise.
Jim:
Let me repeat, you cannot sit down without pre-conditions, you just can't!
Joan:
What preconditions! What??
Jim:
Well, what sort of spicy food are they going to bring by?
Joan:
Jim please. I'll make something, besides I've already told Mike and Cindy about Tuesday, they might drop by as well.
Jim:
What? You can't do that, you can't just announce to the neighbourhood what you're going to do, you can't just announce to everyone what we're doing! Not too mention their pork barrel projects and earmarks!
Joan:
If by pork barrel you mean their request to remove pork rinds from the vending machines with a healthier snack and by earmarks you mean the mark on your ear you got from Johnny when you two were colouring with his felt tip markers.
Besides, it was Barney who actually was the one who suggested we invite the Binders over for dinner when we spoke at the last PTA meeting anyway.
Jim:
(laughing, shaking his head) No, no. That is simply not true. No, I've known Barney Gamble for 25 years. When he couldn't reach the pears in the produce section because he was too fat, I reached across the aisle and got things done. We even had the same favourite movie, Top Gun.
Joan:
Yes I know, you've mentioned that about 10,000 times, he always called you 'maverick.'
Jim:
What does that mean anyway?
Joan:
It means you don't listen, not to reason, not to anyone. So, Tuesday works despite your baseball watching schedule then?
(Husband, defeated, slinks out of the kitchen, moments later he begins yelling)
Jim:
Honey! We're out of toilet paper! Please babe, I need your help.
Joan:
You shouldn't have sat down without preconditions my dear.
~END SCENE~