(President Bush has said that when his second term ends he looks forward to making some money, noting how Bill Clinton has -ahem- earned $100 million in six years as an ex-President.  Fast forward to 2009.  Following a quick speech as headliner at Bob Jones University's Bigotry Fest, Bush finds slim pickings on the lecture circuit.  Now, we find him walking on stage in the Herbert Hoover Auditorium in the Millard Fillmore Building in Branson, Missouri.  Ladies and gentlemen:  Georgie the President Guy!)

"You all like baseball?  I love baseball!  Before I was the President Guy, my daddy called baseball Commissar Peter Uber... Peter Uber... Pete the Bossman!  That's what I called him, The Bossman!  I paid 1.9 percent and got a 10 percent share of the Texas Rangers!  Them other fellers never knew what hit 'em.  That is doing bidness!  I hit 'em with my Harvard BMA.  I was President Guy for that team, too.  Traded away Sammy Soso.  Turns out he weren't so soso.  He hit 600 homers and the Rangers never sniffed the playoffs.  F*#ked R Up!

"My daddy loves baseball too, so he said I should really be President Guy of the United States and give up the Rangers.  Daddy said the country needed a uniter, not a divider, someone to unite the Haves with the Have Mores.  So Daddy hooked me up with Uncle Dick Cheney and the Have Mores.  I ain't figured out yet just where the hell Havmor is; I know it ain't around Dallas none.  I became the first bidnessman President Guy with a Harvard AMB!

"Uncle Dick let me bring my best friend, our pool boy Alberto Gonzalez.  Alberto!  Sounds like a big 'ol cigar.  Uncle Dick said I should make Alberto a Terny General, so I made him a General, only he didn't get no uniform.  Uncle Dick handed us a Constitution and told us these was the rules.  Well, that Constitution was all written in cursive!  We couldn't make heads nor tails of it!  We decided we'd do whatever we'd want.  F*#ked R Up!

"Being President Guy was hard work.  At first, I weren't sure what to do, but Uncle Dick splained to me that as President Guy I was responsible for moving the wheels of guvmint.  He gave me a 21-speed Trek mountain bike.  Ever day right after breakfast Condi would pack me a ham and cheese sammich and I would hop on that bike and move those wheels of guvmint while Uncle Dick stayed behind in case anyone called on the telephone.  I'd get back round supper time, Uncle Dick give me a pat on the head and tell me the guvmint rolling like it ought to now.  F*#ked R Up!

"Being President Guy was some good times, too.  I was having birthday cake with little Johnnie McCain after some big storm hit New Orleans.  My buddy Turd Blossom wanted some pictures of me in the big airplane, so we took off and they snapped a bunch of pictures of me while I looked out the winder at New Orleans.  If I can be serious for a moment here.  I'll never forget what I seen.  Everwhere I looked, there was brush needing clearin'!  One end of the city to the other, brush everwhere!  I hope you consider donating to my charity Brush Clearin' For Humanity.  F*#ked R Up!

"Well, that's all I got time for, folks.  I'll be here next week, and the week after, and the week after.  Just remember, whether you give your best shot or not, just F*#k R Up!"