Sean Hannity:  The Commission on Presidential Debates, in conjunction with the McCain-Palin ’08 campaign, and with the acquiescence of the Obama-Biden ticket, present the Modified Vice-Presidential Debate, coming to you live tonight from Anchorage, Alaska (Alaskan audience cheers) and St. Louis, Missouri. 

As many of you know, this debate was originally supposed to have a neutral moderator, and present both Governor Palin and Senator Biden together in one venue.  That's over.  As you know, the McCain campaign on Monday insisted on the suspension of any such debate for the duration of the financial crisis and/or the Iraq War as an unpatriotic diversion of our nation’s focus.  Given the Obama-Biden campaign’s earnest wish for a joint Palin-Biden appearance under any set of rules, I am in Anchorage, and will be your moderator tonight of this Modified Vice-Presidential Debate. 

Welcome, Governor Palin! (Alaska audience cheers for roughly one minute, while Palin waves.)  And welcome in St. Louis over the video feed, Senator Biden, and Senator, we’re behind on time owing to the enthusiasm of the Alaska crowd, so let me throw it to you for an opening statement.

Biden:  Thank you.  Sean, Governor Palin, people of St. Louis, it’s a great pleasure to be here tonight to speak with you and the American people at this most important time in our recent history.  With our nation in financial crisis and two wars –

Hannity:  If you could please conclude, Senator.

Biden:  And public confidence in our economy and our political institutions at a nearly all-time low…

Hannity:  Senator, time’s up.  Governor Palin?

Biden:  That’s ridiculous, Sean, I just started my point.  Where did you get these crazy time allocation rules?

Hannity:  Hannity and Colmes.  Governor Palin has the opportunity to rebut before the liberal gets a chance to make a point, even if we have to cut him off or give him no time at all.  Governor?

Biden:  [appears to be complaining with finger in air, his mike is cut]

Palin:  Alright!  (cheering in Anchorage)  It’s great to be here, in this state that I govern!  (cheers)  And that is so close to Russia!  And the land border with Canada!  (cheers)  It is both!  And we are right here, and I govern it!  (cheers)  Now some of you may have heard.  There is a choice in this election.  A choice between putting your country first, and surrender.  (cheers)  A choice between change you can believe in, or a lobbyist-run campaign that represents four more years of George Bush that we can’t afford.  (Silent pause, as Palin waits for cheers, looks about expectantly.)

Hannity:  Governor, you’ve accidentally stated the Obama campaign’s frame for the election.  Don’t you mean to present a choice between maverick-led reform and tired liberal solutions?

Palin:  Yes, that’s what I meant.  Didn’t I say something like that?  Thanks, Sean, for jumping in and correcting me.

Hannity:  Thanks to both candidates for their opening statements!

Palin:  I wasn’t done.

Hannity:  Thanks to both candidates for their opening statements!  Both microphones are presently turned off, so that the debate’s next stage is fair and balanced, as the American people expect.  Because the Vice-President comes to power when the President is tragically taken from us, we thought it would be good to have a physical challenge, in the manner of the television show Survivor, to show the vigor and athleticism of the Vice-Presidential candidates.  Governor Palin, earlier today you conducted an airborne hunt for caribou, correct?

Palin:  [Muted, nods]

Hannity:  We’re going to show some wonderful video of that caribou hunt.  Isn’t this great?  See the Governor up in this airplane above a massive herd of caribou on the North Slope of her state, which by the way is larger than Every.  Other.  State.  Did you know that?  There’s her rifle poking out.  [Shots ring out.  Below, isolated caribou fall to the ground within stampeding herd.]  Congratulations, Governor!  You drilled ‘em!

Palin:  Now if only Senator Biden and Senator Obama would let us drill for oil instead of caribou on the North Slope!  (audience laughs, cheers)

Biden:  [muted, finger in air]

Hannity:  Sorry, Senator, were you saying something?

Biden:  I thought you said both mikes would be muted.

Hannity:  You’re right, I apologize, Senator.  We’ll get them both back on mute.  Senator Biden, we couldn’t find any animals to hunt in Missouri, so to provide the American people with a chance to compare Governor Palin’s fitness and athleticism to yours, we thought it best to have a reading from your private medical records.  To avoid any suggestion that the Biden physical challenge section of the debate is biased, we have invited Democratic Representative Barney Frank and singer Barbra Streisand , themselves noted far-left liberals like Senators Biden and Obama, to read the records aloud.  Welcome, Representative Frank and Ms. Streisand.  The records, as they are read, will be displayed to the nation on a split screen, with the page being read on the right, and the reader’s head, of course, on the left.  (Laughs.)

Frank:  (Walks to podium with Streisand.)  Thank you, Sean.  Barbara, would you like to begin? 

Streisand:  Why of course, Barney.  [Whereupon Frank and Streisand read Biden’s medical records for seventy-five minutes.]

Hannity:  We had intended to reserve time for question and answer, or at least brief closing statements, but I’m afraid after the excellent openings, and with how long the physical challenge ran, that’s all the time we have for tonight’s Modified Vice-Presidential Debate.  Thanks to both candidates for their participation, and to the McCain-Palin campaign for these excellent modifications.  I’m sure they will be standard in future Vice-Presidential debates or town halls, at least any involving Governor Palin!  Good night, and Country First!

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Crossposted at www.dagblog.com, a joint project of Deadman, Articleman, and Genghis, who is also a man.  Articleman shows up on talk radio KRXA540.com each Wednesday morning at 805 PDT/1105 EDT, fwiw.