My friends, like Martin Luther King forty-five years before me, I have a dream.  It is a dream deeply rooted in the American Dream.  Dr. King told us about his dreams on August 28, 1963, at the Lincoln Memorial.  And Lincoln, my friends, was a Republican, and prosecuted a war, last time I checked.  (Pause five beats for awkward grin.)  We Republicans know a thing or two about making war.  (Pausing and grinning.)  Remember that.  We conquered the South and stayed there one hundred years too!  (Shorter, yet equally awkward pause.)  Just kidding, my friends.

Anyhow, while 70,000 Americans watch Senator Obama in Invesco Field on the anniversary of “I Have a Dream,” I am going to keep up my thematically appropriate shadowing of him.  Just as I spoke at the lightly peopled Schmidt’s Sausage Haus Und Restaurant while Senator Obama spoke to 215,000 people in Berlin, Germany, I have arranged tonight to post a video of this speech about my dreams at invesco.com, since it turns out Invesco doesn’t have any physical offices at which to deliver it, which I frankly find confusing.  So as I stand before the backdrop of this goddamned surreal green screen – (extremely long pause for grin) – I am going to tell you about some of my dreams.

I have a dream, which I expressed this summer through my good friend and advisor Charlie Black, of a terrorist attack upon the United States before the November election.  Not that I dream of a terrorist attack per se.  That would be wrong.  (Smiling.)  But in my dream, there is an attack, which is of course deplorable and evil, and as luck would have it, in my dream the attack wins me the Presidency!  I spent six years in captivity during the Vietnam War, as a prisoner of war.  I have a dream.

I have a dream that centers upon skinny blondes half my age, whether lobbyists or heiresses.   They’re heavily made up, but in a classy way, my friends.  They wear diaphanous gowns, and have extra houses and private planes, and oh, the shit I do with these women in their private planes and extra houses.  I have a dream.

I have a dream that people quit bothering me about doing favors for lobbyists – mostly they do favors for me!  If you’re unclear on what I mean by that, my friends, please refer to the previous paragraph.  Please also remember that I spent six years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.  I have a dream.   (Pause for extended awkward grin.)

I have a dream United States soldiers never leave Iraq, not for one hundred years, or one thousand years, like I told that insolent asshole in New Hampshire.   Fuck him, who does he think he is, pressing me, a decorated prisoner of war, about that subject, at a public meeting!  (Pauses, looks down.  Looks up, grins.)  My friends, Senator Obama dreams of winning an election by losing a war.  I dream of war.  The rest takes care of itself.  I have a dream.

I have a dream that those fundamentalist wackos who crapped all over me in 2000 have to vote for a Maverick and a Mormon, or a Maverick and a Jew.  Or maybe a continental Indian!  Running against a liberal African-American, I’m now polling like the second coming of Ronald Reagan among evangelicals!  Like Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman – an excellent and realistic drama about the hardships faced by virile Naval personnel – they’ve got no place else to go!  (Throws head back and cackles harshly.  Recovers, squares seriously to camera.)  Yes, my friends, I have a dream.

I have a dream about drilling, drilling, and more drilling.  Endless drilling!  And this one has nothing to do with lobbyists or heiresses.  In my dream, we drill our way out of the energy crisis that we are not in.  Despite the seven to ten year window from drilling to market, gas will get cheaper now, my friends, because there is nothing some good drilling can’t fix.  And did I mention my six year confinement in the Hanoi Hilton?  I have a dream.

I have a dream that people will forget my opposition to the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday in Arizona.  (Pauses for protracted, toothy grin.)  I have a dream.

Speaking of religious leaders and forgetting, I have a dream that conservative voters will forget my terming Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson “agents of intolerance,” and that centrist voters and Jewish voters of all political affinities, at least those in Florida, Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Ohio, will forget my embrace of Pastor Hagee, who said that Hitler hunted Jews to drive them to the Holy Land, as foreseen in the Bible.  I think Joe Lieberman is helping with that last point, my friends.  I have a dream.

I have a dream that those assholes who wrote fake golf product reviews on JohnMcCain.com, making jokes about how white the balls were, and asking for a Lieberman ballwasher, are prosecuted.  It’s my website, understand?  So how about I don’t read your website, your friends’ websites, or comment on them, and you don’t read or comment on mine, ok?  I have a dream.

Above all, my friends, and to the exclusion of all else, I have a dream that I, a highly decorated former prisoner of war, am eventually let to be the President of the United States.  Everyone knows I considered changing parties in 2004 to pursue this lifelong goal – don’t bring it up, or you’re acting like that jerk Elisabeth Bumiller, and I will shout you down.  (Long grin.)  Switching parties would have been really mavericky, don’t you think?  Anyhow, it seemed easier to get nominated as a Republican.  And that really happened!  I have a dream.

My fellow Americans, thank you for listening to my dreams, which have concededly increased in number in recent years, owing to the growing amount of time I spend sleeping.  In a senior moment uncorrected by my shadow and friend, Senator Lieberman, I have promised to veto every beer.  What did I mean by that?  Crap.  Depends.  Anyhow, I have dreams too, and a website full of balls, but apparently not ballwashers.  Stay mavericky, America!  I have a dream.