Upon hearing that James Blake defeated Roger Federer in singles, I dove into my On Demand Olympics sports listings to see if I could catch some of the match.  I found all of eight points of tennis to watch, spread across several matches, none of which coverage had any commentary or even displayed the score.  I did, however, find table tennis (which, contrary to many people's protestations, really is just as boring as watching two kids play it in their basement), water polo (soccer without the running, kicking, tackling, you know, the stuff that makes it soccer), and something called handball (not like raquetball without the rackets, more like water polo without the water). 

And to this point, I thought the Olympics bored me because the biggest thrill was seeing who didn't fall down in gymnastics.  There are several popular sports which don't matter in the context of the Olympics (soccer, ahem football, already has a major world competition every four years; Olympic tennis isn't even the most important tournament this month; basketball is a mess).  Some sports have their moments: swimming for example is kind of fun because it's like really slow running, giving the races more suspense.  Diving can be beautiful, if not occasionally really creepy (I really enjoyed listening to the announcer try to avoid calling one of the female divers overweight while still pointing out her disadvantage given the larger splash).  But most "sports" aren't really sports at all: they're skills that might be helpful in other sports (see running, jumping, throwing, etc). 

If I could make a general rule, it would be to ban all elements that try to simulate some form of dancing (including rhythmic gymnastics, synchronized swimming, and the "flourishes" in gymnastics).  Dancing is a wonderful art form.  Olympic quasi-dancing is pretty much like watching football players practicing their ballet with choreography done by a defensive coordinator. 

What really makes the Olympics worth talking about here, though, is all the pap about the world coming together in two weeks of healthy competition, mutual respect, and unity.  We should face the facts:  the Olympics doesn't solve the problems of international antagonism and cooperation.  The Olympics didn't help poor Sarajevo avoid being held under seige a mere eight years after hosting the Winter Games.  The boycott in 1980 didn't change the USSR's mind on Afghanistan, it only led to a counter-boycott four years later.  Hosting the Olympics didn't make Germany any more cosmopolitan in 1936 or China any less oppressive of its own people currently.  Nor did it temper the outbreak of war between Russia and Georgia. 

All that said, as a resident of Chicago, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we get the games in 2016, just so we can get some money to improve our collapsing public transportation system.