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Open Mic Night at TPM's Joke Joint: McCain One-Liners
Is this thing on? You know folks, I guess I love a good McCain joke as much as the next guy.
How many Senators does it take to work a John McCain puppet?
Two. Lindsay Graham in up to his elbows to work the arms and Joe Lieberman yanking on the "lever" to control the mouth.
How many aides does it take to work Cindy McCain?
None. She's just for show.
How do you know you've got genuine McCain puppet?
When it talks, it sounds just like George Bush.
What's worse torture than waterboarding?
Listening to a John McCain speech.
How do you know when your McCain puppet is broken?
When it starts making sense.
How high can a McCain puppet count?
Just up to 9, 11.
What does a McCain puppet say after taking Viagra?
The surge is working!
What's the difference between John McCain and Benito Mussolini?
Mussolini believed in timetables. (Oh come on, people... Mussolini made the trains run on time... oh please... they're not funny if I have to explain them to you.)
How can you tell John McCain just saw a black person?
He turns whiter than a KKK sheet.
What do John McCain and Peter Pan have in common?
They both wish they knew how to fly.
What do you call George Bush, Barack Obama and John McCain the day after the election?
Unemployed, Mr. President-elect and Old Fart.
What do you call John McCain's Veep choice?
His walking mate. Get it? Walking!!!!!
That's my set. Who's up next? Please tip your bartenders and waitstaff.
Comments (20)
Kudos for Viagra and walking mate. But McCain is being called Old Fart LONG BEFORE the election.
Here:
When the phone rings at three a.m., will McCain answer his shoe? (HINT: ad idea!)
Q: Senator McCain, do you have the information on your laptop?
A: No, the flight attendant said to make sure it's in the upright, locked position.
July 26, 2008 10:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
McCain is so old, that when he stayed in the Lincoln bedroom as a guest of the President, Lincoln WAS the President!
July 26, 2008 10:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
Technically speaking, this is the only one-liner so far in the topic, and it's a good one, but I really like the Peter Pan one. Wesley Clark was right!
Des, are you paying attention? ;-)
July 27, 2008 12:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
This is great. Thanks.
Can't wait to send to those who insist on sending me anti-Obama crap.
Rec'd with a giggle.
July 26, 2008 10:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
What does John McCain call it when he forgets his underwear?
Going "commando-in-chief".... (okay, sorry for image now burned into your psyche...)
What does John McCain call George and Martha Washington?
Mom and Dad.
July 26, 2008 11:17 PM | Reply | Permalink
McCain is so old that he learned to fly from Icarus.
July 27, 2008 12:33 AM | Reply | Permalink
Prime MInister Maliki just endorsed John McCain's plan to keep U.S. troops in Iraq for 100 years. He said, however, that the Iraqis will be moving out.
July 27, 2008 12:35 AM | Reply | Permalink
Good one!
July 27, 2008 2:15 AM | Reply | Permalink
Jeez, Jade -- this is semi-professional stuff. Send some of these to Letterman, get 'em on the air. I'm voting for "walking mate" and "the surge is working!"
July 27, 2008 2:06 AM | Reply | Permalink
and that's why they're only "semi-funny" but as you can tell, it doesn't take much to amuse me.
July 27, 2008 10:39 AM | Reply | Permalink
can I just link to this... is that allowed ... a lot of funny ones. http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/johnmccain/a/johnmccainjokes.htm
July 27, 2008 2:56 AM | Reply | Permalink
John McCain's favorite Forrest is the Petrified Forrest. He has fond memories from his childhood of the Forrest lush and green surroundings.
July 27, 2008 7:22 AM | Reply | Permalink
While inspecting the days polls, John McCain was overheard sa saying "I've fallen and I can't get up."
To ensure that he is not overshadowed by his running mate, McCain is said to be considering as V.P. his three Annapolis classmates who graduated with lower GPAs than his.
July 27, 2008 12:05 PM | Reply | Permalink
The bad news is that John McCain seems to be suffering from short-term memory problems.
The good news is that now he can hide his own Easter eggs.
July 27, 2008 12:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
What's the difference between an ancient tortoise and McCain?
One is the slowest of his kind, and the other one has a shell on his back.
July 27, 2008 1:24 PM | Reply | Permalink
What is the difference between George Bush and John McCain?
HW Bush did a favor for each: one he got out of going to war, the other one he will actually vote for.
July 27, 2008 1:29 PM | Reply | Permalink
What's the difference between John McCain and a 1936 Chateau Latour Bordeaux. One's a rare 72 year-old wine, and the other's a common 72 year-old whiner.
July 27, 2008 4:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
"Do you know what Obama in Israel?
He stopped in Bethlehem to visit the site
where he was born... but he didn't allow
any media in there because he didn't
want to disturb the animals."
-- the vulgar Pigboy, ripping off Jon Stewart
http://www.bartcop.com/
July 27, 2008 7:32 PM | Reply | Permalink
What brand of computer does McCain use?
Etch-a-Sketch.
What does John McCain call his Blackberry?
A pencil.
July 27, 2008 7:34 PM | Reply | Permalink
When McCain left his first wife, she said that's because he didn't want to be 40, he wanted to be 25. Well, I can certainly relate to that. I want my president to be 47, not 72!
Why does McCain want to be Commander in Chief? Five planes isn't enough - he wants it to be hundreds.
Why did McCain sing "bomb Iran"? He couldn't figure out a tune to set "bomb the Iraq-Pakistan border" to music.
July 27, 2008 8:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
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