Step right up ladies and gentlemen, step right up! There's plenty of
room right down in front here, don't be shy, just crowd in a bit so you
can hear me.
 
Now, I ask you friends, is your government
impeding your ability to make money? Have the people of your country,
province or even your county made a terrible mistake by putting a bunch
of crazy marxists or bleeding hearts in power?

I see a lot of
nodding heads out there, you know what I'm talking about. You had it
all laid out, your financing lined up, the equipment leased to drill
for oil or mine those precious resources but now that new regime, those
illegitimate commies or brainless do gooders have nationalized your
holdings or won't sign off on your project because of some whacky
environmental laws or crazy concepts about what's "good for the people"
(air quotes).

They don't take your calls, let alone your
bribes while an endless parade of local tribal chief swindlers and
"fair practice" (more air quotes) co-op conmen and women are whisked
into their offices while you're on the outside looking in. Am I right
or am I right? You know I'm right! 
 
Well ladies and gentlemen
we at Blackwater have the solution to all your problems! There's no
doubt about it, you need friends in high office and when the voters
keep sticking a thumb in your eye or the new regime can't be reasoned
with we're here to help.

With our training, aviation and
logistics capabilities we can have you back in the catbird seat with a
new set of compliant friends in the president's palace or even the
county seat ready to bend over backwards for a nominal fee to sign any
form, scratch any back or shoot any troublemaker you need to make your
financial dreams a reality. 

That's right, you heard me, even
when it looks like all is lost we can have your strip mine or derricks
up and running in no time. But that's not all. We'll have you in
business using local labor so terrified they'll work 15 hour days for practically nada and live in squalor that'd make a Nazi labor camp commandant blush! 

Oh
I know you're skeptical. How can he make such claims you're saying to
yourself. He doesn't know my situation, my country, this all sounds too
good to be true. 

Well I'll tell you how we do it folks. We
have hundreds of former US special forces on call, ex Green Berets,
Navy Seals, even black ops CIA guys, the cream of the crop of the
finest fighting force ever assembled. But that's not all. We also have
goon squads composed of South African cops trained under apartheid, and
death squad members from all over the world, many of them trained at
the preeminent camp for state police forces in Ft. Benning Georgia.  I
like to say "coup" is their middle name. They don't know the meaning of
human rights. These fellas are experts at bringing down governments or
keeping even the most blatantly corrupt tinhorn dictator anyone can
imagine on the throne. And I don't know about you but I have a pretty
vivid imagination! (Wait for laugh) 

And speaking of tinhorn
dictators, in a few short months with our patented methods, we can
train up a few of your cousins, that idiot brother in law of yours,
(point to a member of the crowd and knowingly wink) yeah sir you know
who I'm talking about don't you? (wait for chuckle) or... I know you'll
find this hard to believe but it's true - because we've done it - even
train some of your downtrodden wretched refuse yearning to breathe free
to be the most ruthless strongmen this side of Idi Amin. They'll
proudly wear the new uniforms you'll pick out yourself for your very own spanking new junta we've helped you put into power.

Now
I know what you're thinking. All well and good so far, but I know my
brother in law, he's a stupid greedy pig. He'll find some way to screw
it up or worse, screw me. Even if your first choice goes sour...and we
all know that old song about power corrupting and absolute power blah,
blah, blah. I won't lie to you, it happens to the best, humans are
frail creatures and some fall prey to the trappings of power no matter
how many times you strap the electrodes on in training. But I'm happy
to tell you we've got that contingency covered too.

No fears
there either ladies and gentlemen because as part of the Blackwater
Advantage Package we provide not one, but two complete secret police
forces trained and led by members of our team with an ironclad
guarantee they'll have absolutely no local allegiances. We select only
the best and we're proud to say our operatives have no more conscience
than your average alley cat.

And to keep it that way using our
tried and true methods including an elaborate series of cutouts and
numbered offshore bank accounts you'll be pulling the strings because you'll be
the one paying two different goon squads that are all that stands
between General Doofus and angry mobs who'd rip his ears off if they
had half a chance. As long as our guys get their cut you can count on
their complete loyalty to you and only you.
 
Why the
redundent systems you ask? Isn't it a little pricey to have two Stasis?
Well first of all it's not as expensive as you might think and second
do you want to sleep soundly at night or worry yourself into a heart
attack? Our experience has shown it's the only way to go when you're in
the business of seriously pillaging a whole country's patromony. Sure
you can go with some cheaper outfits that cut corners but if you do
you'll regret it when your new gold mine winds up feeding somebody
else's Swiss bank account.   

Now in the unlikely case Cousin
Ernie does go renegade on you or some local chief manages to rile up
your labor force and acquire enough AK-47s to be pesky or God forbid
start a real revolution before you've made your fortune and are ready
to move on to the next unexploited godforsaken backwater ready for the
taking...(deep breath)...there's still no problem.

Sure when you're raping the bejesus out of a country there's always something
that can go wrong. That's why we provide not only two secret police
forces completely independent of each other and like I said loyal to
only you, but we've also trained two or three of your cronies as back
ups ready to take the throne if it becomes necessary to throw that fuck
up Ernie to the mob as a sacrifice. (chuckle ruefully)

We keep
a close eye on all our projects. With our 24/7 monitoring capabilities
we're prepared ahead of time and know just when and how to transfer
power to Thug No. 2 who we've already coached up to become the next
"man of the people" (more air quotes) and split with the now
discredited supreme leader at just the right time in a seamless
transition. In nine out of ten cases it doesn't result in a single
day's disruption of your operation or enough dead miscreants to make
the papers. I kid you not. The proof is in the pudding folks. Raise
your hand if you've ever read about any Blackwater operation other than
Iraq in the paper.

Now I know I shouldn't bring up Iraq but I
want to talk about it anyway. I'm not gonna shy away from it. I can see
by the frowns a lot of you think it wasn't our finest hour. It may
surprise you but I agree with you, it wasn't. But folks let me be
honest for a second here, Iraq wasn't our deal.

Don't get me
wrong, we gained a lot of valuable experience there but most
importantly we learned that it's in everyone's best interests that we
run the show and take responsibility for the whole shebang.

Iraq was a government operation and we all know what happens when you let (big sneer) government run
things don't we? They make a mess of it. They let in media and a whole
lot of namby pamby middlemen with their own agendas that not only don't
coincide with making money the old fashioned way but actually impede
your progress.

That's not what you want and it's not what you
get with Blackwater running the show. Right from the gitgo we tamp down
or co-opt any local opposition and interest groups. There isn't any
phony baloney democracy or "parliament" (air quotes again) you have to
kowtow to, and we make sure the whole world isn't watching every little
thing you do. No sirree, not with Blackwater in charge.

We
work with you and your stooges to make sure it stays that way and if
push comes to shove we have the capability to airlift in thousands of
trigger happy goons at a moment's notice who are trained in coups,
counter coups, suppressing rebellions and general mayhem ranging from
surgically picking off selected loudmouths from a mile away with the
latest in sniper gear to burning whole provinces to the ground. Our
guys live and breathe this kind of stuff. They have to, it's what
they're trained to do and we don't hire anybody who can make it in the
real world doing anything else.

Looking at my watch  I can see
it's almost time for lunch so I'll stop here. I want to thank you for
your time on behalf of the Blackwater Corporation folks. If you'd like
to learn more please give your contact information to my assistant Amy
or take one of my cards on the table by the door and call us at your
earliest convenience to set up an appointment. We'll be more than happy
to sit down with you and figure out how we can help you solve your
problems. It's what we're hear for.