My sister emailed me these from London today, and I thought them far too good  not to share...

Why We Like The  British  - FROM  BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do  apologize for the delay to your service I know you're all dying to get  home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which  case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite  direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line  controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from  his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news?  The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and  had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't
reach our destination.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker  Street ... As you  can see, Baker Street is closed.  It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you  earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6)  'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an  extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a  West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and  gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the  passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause .) 'Oh go on then, stuff  yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home.....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse  this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from  the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off  because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the  gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage  - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.'  (Pause..)'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...)  'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses  at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your
bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and (the rest is censored!)'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is  strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if  you are
smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of  the carriage.'

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.  Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said,  'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that  destroyed his house.' (The Daily
Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman was arrested for shoplifting a whole salami.  When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The  Manchester Evening  News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a  stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The  Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A Coast Guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a Coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe  Avenue , Boscombe,  delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war  who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the  crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt  out 'Heil Hitler.'' (Bournemouth Evening  Echo)