So my conservative uncle forwarded another email to me.  This one features a supposed resignation speech by George W. Bush.  Such a thought is, of course, far too good to be true; I suspect the Secret Service is going to have to drag Bush out of the White House kicking and screaming in January 2009.  Still, it's a fun idea, so I read the supposed speech with relish:

The speech George W. Bush
might give:

Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing
it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half
of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're
really not fellow Americans any longer.


I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a
lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or
something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable
offenses in this office.


The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up
because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of
what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are
too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.


Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians
and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in
the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record
numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll
point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our
unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton
administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to
have sunk in.


Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to
record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too
damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased
demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots
are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.


We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If
I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil
fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush
Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I
could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.'
Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.


Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same
as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq
was official US
policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you
didn't know that, did you?


You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold
war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off.
We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to
survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.


That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they
survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't
also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are.
They want to kill you, and the b______s are all over the globe.


You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States
since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard
a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security
people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned
you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of
you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of
'Survivor.'


Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the
long lens
of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few
months, a few years, tops. Making matters worse, you actively support those who
help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a
donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political
campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a
grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.


In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet.
It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it
were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American
Idol. I could say more about your expectations that the government will always
be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's
below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.


I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet,
is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to
do so, it would sail right over your heads. So I quit. I'm going back to
Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore
could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever
heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty
much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of
old age before the last pillars of America fall.


Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new
President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still
have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are
smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.


So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I
mean. The rest of you, well .....

And I think that's just great.  I really do.  But it seems like a rough draft to me.  It seems... incomplete.  So let me try to punch it up a little, and add a few things that this draft omitted:

Normally, I start these things out by saying ‘My Fellow Americans’.  Just like, y’know, ol’ Tricky Dick used to.  I dunno why.  My speechwriters like him.  I think he was a pussy.  I mean, he got caught doing illegal wiretaps and such, and denied it, and had to resign in disgrace.  Why would you do that?  I say, you get caught doing something illegal, you just say it ain’t illegal if you’re President!  Well, I guess he did try that and it didn’t work for him as well as it is for me.  Like I said, a pussy.

 Anyway.  I ain’t sure y’all are really my fellow Americans any more.  My fellow Americans are duck hunters and cheese eaters, corn growers and spud mashers.  My fellow Americans drink beer, and even snort a little coke once in a while… okay, only kiddin’ about that, hell, I can’t remember if I ever snorted coke or not.  Whatever.  The point is, my fellow Americans drink beer.   They drink a LOT of beer.  I mean, a great big HUGE fargin’ shi – er, crapload of beer.  Those are my fellow Americans.  And most of you people ain’t them.  I don’t know who you are.  Commies or somethin’.  Lib’ruls.  Whatever.

 Anyway, I quit.  Yeah, that’s right.  And it’s not to avoid impeachment or prosecution or other big words I can barely say and sure as hell couldn’t spell right if my life depended on it, no sir.  Because there have been no impeachable offenses from this office, and no breaking of any laws.  Well, okay, I lied us into a war and I outed a deep cover CIA agent and I’ve been spying on all of y’all for years, especially the goddam Democrats.  And there was some vote fraud in 2000 and 2004.  And I signed off on all this illegal torture of captured Iraqis.  And there’s been a buttload of covert stuff that the NY Times ain’t found out about yet.   But dammit we’re at war and the Constitution says that when we’re at war the U.S. President can do anything he wants, kinda like one’a them there Caesars of old, or maybe, well, like Saddam Hussein.  Except he was a pussy.  And I’m not.  What I’m saying is, when the President does it, it’s legal.  So there hasn’t been any lawbreakin’.  So suck on this, Democrats.  Okay.

 So the reason I’m quitting is simple.  It has to be or I couldn’t understand it.  I’m fed up with you people.  Frankly, you’re all gettin’ on my last nerve.  I mean, seriously, WTF?  Don’t you understand what’s goin’ on in this once great nation of ours?  Don’t you even care?

 Lemme spell it out for you.  Polls show the majority of you think the economy is in the tank.  This is bs, a bill of goods you’ve been sold by goddam Democrats and the liberal media.  The economy is great!  Rich people have never been richer. And all them minorities out there are doing great, too.  Under my Administration we totally deregulated the entire banking system, and lots of minorities got mortgages and capital investment small business loans.  Now, sure, they are most likely all gonna lose their houses and businesses as the entire financial system falls apart, but the point is, they never would have had those houses or businesses in the first place if not for my Administration’s enlightened economic policies. 

Also, our Unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration.  Of course, I hate the Clinton Administration and even a dummy like me can see that claiming we’re doing great by comparing ourselves to the Clinton Administration makes no sense whatsoever.  Especially when we aren’t doing great, we’re barely doing as well.  But never mind, I’m moving on.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels.  Well, okay, to be fair it’s bounced up and down more than Madonna’s head in Spike Lee’s lap, but it’s probably up right now.  I mean, flip a coin, right?  Anyway.  With any luck, the whole thing won’t crater spectacularly until me and Laura got our stuff out of the White House and back on the ranch.  So that’s all right.

Now there’s been a lot of whining about high gas prices.  High gas prices ain’t a bad thing.  Not if you’re heavily invested in oil futures, anyway.  And if you’re not, well, who cares about you?  Screw ya, that’s what I say.  What are you going to do about it? Not drive?  As if.   Pretty soon you’re going to wake up and realize that the only thing to do about high gas prices is let my buddies drill any goddam place they feel like drillin’.  And that won’t bring gas prices down because, well, we work with OPEC to make sure prices stay high.  So you’re screwed!  Just keep forkin’ over your cash, and be glad you live in America.  If you were some goddam towelhead you’d be eatin’ depleted uranium bullets for dinner. 

We face real threats in the world.  Threats like, winning this goddam war in Iraq and bringin’ the Iraqi oil fields online and oil prices actually droppin’ for a while.  You got any idea what that would do to my stock portfolio?  Maybe you don’t know it, but all my oil buddies have been conspirin’ to keep the Iraqi oil fields undeveloped since 1925.  Saddam finally got fed up with that crap and decided he was going to pump as much as he wanted, so we had to do somethin’.  But if we win this war over there, then all of you ungrateful sonsabitches are gonna expect cheap gasoline.   And I can’t have that. 

As for this ‘Bush Lied, People Died’ crap, look.  I could pretty easily have had WMDs planted in Iraq if I wanted to do that.  I mean, I could have had the CIA or the NSA or some Special Forces group do that and I would absolutely have gotten away with it because nothin’ ever goes wrong when I try to pull crap like that.  I  mean it’s not like the New York Times would find out about that nonsense in a heartbeat or anything.  Anyway.  I didn’t do that.  Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.  I mean, I ain’t never admitted that me and Vice President Cheney pretty much ordered the intelligence services to massage their data for us, or that I wasn’t willing to listen to anything I didn’t wanna hear.  And I ain’t admittin’ to it now.   So forget all that.

Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam Hussein had WMDs.  Well, okay, nobody else in the UN did, but screw those pansies.  Foreigner pansies.  A lot of you people believed it.  Mostly because you’re stupid and you trusted us.  Wait.  Did I say that out loud? Never mind.  A lot of other people believed it.  Only that smart ass who was married to that hot blonde CIA agent didn’t.  And who listens to him?  Nobody.  So shut up.

Also, it was a guy named Clinton who established regime change as our official U.S. policy in Iraq.  He just did it like a pussy.  It was up to me to go in with guns and get it done.  I mean, not me personally.  But as Commander in Chief, it’s like I did it personally.  All of it.  Okay, not the bad stuff.  Just the stuff where I shot a lot of towel heads and pulled that big statue of Saddam down.  Yeah.

You people need to understand that we face a unique enemy.  They ain’t like Commies.  Commies were evil, but sane.  These guys are evil and crazy.  They want to die.  They don’t care if they die.  They like to die.  They need to die.  And we make them die.  We do it real well.  We… what was I saying?  Oh yeah.  They want to die and they want YOU to die and they’re all over the place.  And I’ve been trying to keep you safe.   So keep gassin’ up and shut your pie holes.  I mean, Jesus.

You should be grateful they haven’t gotten more of you here in the U.S. since September 11.  But you’re not.  That’s because you got no idea how hard everybody works to keep you safe.  And that’s because every time you see airport security at work they look like dimwits who don’t know what they’re doing, and every time you hear about one of these “terrorist ops” we stopped, well, it’s like fifteen morons in Florida that the FBI entrapped in the first place.  Or some lame ass plan to bomb an airport that even Maxwell Smart wouldn’t believe in.  You know, it seems like you people used to be more gullible.  I miss those days.  Good times.  Good times.

Anyway, I told you it would be a long fight.  And you got no patience for that.  Just because our troops are getting maimed and dying and we’re not taking equipping them right or takin’ care of them when they come home busted up or takin’ care of their families and we keep extendin’ their tours, plus, we tortured a lot of goddam towelheads, you’re tired of this and you want it to stop.  Plus, you actively support those who help the enemy.  Every time you fill up your gas tank a big whoppin’ cut of that money goes straight to Arab terrorists.  No, wait.  That’s not what I meant to say.  It’s every time you buy the New York Times.  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket.

In this day and age, it’s easy enough to find the truth.  It’s all over the Internet.  And I hate that, which is why we’re tryin’ to regulate the hell out of Internet content.  But it’s okay because most of you would rather just watch AMERICAN IDOL anyway.  Which is on Fox.  Mmm.  I love Fox.  Anyway, you people are really stupid.  Too stupid to leave a city that’s below sea level when there’s a hurricane approaching.  Of course, all them deputy sheriffs from neighboring towns holding the bridges at gunpoint might have had something to do with it.  I dunno.  I got a helicopter.

I could say a lot more, but I figure that it would all go over your heads.  Forty million of you, anyway, who were stupid enough to vote for me twice.  And the rest of you are gettin’ too goddam smart for me.  So I quit.  I’m goin’ back to Crawford.  Well, not really, my family has bought up a lot of land down in South America, right over one of the biggest remaining aquifers of clean water in the world.  No extradition.  But y’all can look for me all you want in Crawford.  Heh.  Dummies.

Oh, yeah, and Cheney’s quittin’ too.  That means Pelosi is your new President.  Well, it doesn’t, cuz I’ve issued about eighteen different Executive Orders totally changin’ around the order of succession, and I can’t remember who gets it after Dick.  No, wait.  I think if I resign and Dick resigns, Dick automatically becomes President.   For life.  Also, if anyone else wins a Presidential election, Dick still becomes President.  Executive orders are great things.  But anyway.

 So that’s it.  God bless what’s left of America.  Some of you know what I mean.  The really drunk ones.  The rest of you… well… like Bluto Blutarski said, I recommend you start drinking heavily. 

 And you better listen to him.  He’s pre-med.