DISCLAIMER:  This post is not meant to be taken seriously. I mean no personal offense to bald and/or balding TPMers. Just because I have flowing, beautiful, breathtaking, wavy (is that enough?) hair does not mean that I am an anti-baldite. On the contrary, I am a pro-baldite....

I knew Rudy Giuliani never stood a chance of winning the Republican nomination. He has too many wife skeletons in his closet to have earned the Christian Right vote. Besides his stance on abortion, his crappy history of judicial appointments, his three wives, and the whole drag thing, Rudy had one other major obstacle: He’s bald.
That got me wondering if there had ever been any bald Presidents. Sure, we’ve had bald-faced lying presidents and the bald eagle is our national emblem, but have we ever had any bald Presidents? Well, yes. There have been five bald US Presidents: John Adams, John Quincy Adams (both obviously victims of cruel heredity), Martin van Buren, James Garfield, and Dwight D. Eisenhower.

The lack of hair certainly does not disqualify anyone nor does it disable his capacity to perform the job as commander-in-chief. (Notice I said “his capacity” and not “his or her capacity” because, let’s be honest, a bald woman could never be elected President.)

In this modern age where the media obsesses over trivial non-issues such as expensive haircuts, flag pins, and cleavage, could a bald man actually become president? Early on in the primary we heard so much about Hillary’s cackle and John Edwards’ hair but never anything about Rudy’s lack-thereof. Personally, I don’t think any of those topics should play a role in politics but the sad truth is that our country is obsessed with appearance. We’d prefer our president to look good rather than to actually be good. Look at The Decider; his ranch in Crawford, Texas is nothing more than a movie set—an elaborate and expensive prop used to make him appear more manly and American so that he appeals to simple workin’ folk. It fooled a lot of people.

The media gave Hillary Clinton hell only because she’s a woman. That’s sexism. Is John McCain too old to be President? That’s ageism. Is Barack black enough or not black enough to be President? That’s racism. But no one gave Rudy guff over his shiny sprawling forehead. (Baldism?) If I had been presented with the opportunity I would have personally asked Rudy how much he pays for his haircuts. Though, I’m pretty sure we all already know the answer: $9.11.

Being bald disqualified Rudy from being eligible to join the elitist club of American Presidents. But don't worry, I know of another club he'd be better suited for.
My friends, we caught a break as a country by not having Rudy Giuliani as the Republican nominee. America can only handle one recession at a time. And a receding economy is always preferred over a dictator with a receding hairline. But mark my words; if Rudy Giuliani were ever elected President of the United States, there would be hell toupee.

Funny side note: When I googled “has there ever been a bald president,” I got this in return.