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JEWS PRAY FOR RAPTURE JUST TO RID EARTH OF ANN COULTER
JERUSALEM - Devout Jews gathered this morning at the Wailing Wall to pray intensely for The Rapture™ to finally come and cleanse the world of sanctimonious neo-Nazi stick-figured Christian douchebags like Ann Coulter, who claimed on Monday that Jews are in need of “perfecting” through Christianity, the “fast-track program” to the peace and happiness that is Heaven, as long as you aren’t a Jew or Unitarian or any of the other crazy religions, like the one where you blow stuff up because you’re upset about things. Coulter also compared Christianity to Federal Express, by which we assume she means Jesus can overnight you to Paradise when you absolutely, positively have to get Saved before the seas turn to blood and whatnot.
Comments (21)
The story continues here.
June 24, 2008 12:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
Wow! Thanks for pointing out The Daily Clusterdouche.
June 24, 2008 1:12 PM | Reply | Permalink
Now the neo-cons are bashing the Jews? Way to lose the election for the Republicans Coulter, you stupid transgender bitch!
June 25, 2008 11:21 AM | Reply | Permalink
My pleasure, Larry The Greater. Please to point it out to 5 of your friends (including Larry The Lesser), with instructions for them to do the same. By my calculations, and taking into account the Law of Six Degrees of Separation, The Daily Clusterdouche will eclipse all other forms of media on earth by noon tomorrow, huzzah!
There's a lot more of the Coulter article, TPM's blog somehow ate the rest and won't allow me to edit it.
June 24, 2008 1:19 PM | Reply | Permalink
if the prayers of a Unitarian can speed Coulter's departure from this mortal coil, consider me prayerful.
June 24, 2008 2:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
It's been reported that Coulter is charter member of PUMA.
June 24, 2008 2:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
At the risk of redundancy: If Coulter has a place in Heaven, I sure as hell don't wanna go there for eternity.
Guess it's no surprise she didn't compare Christianity to phone-in interviews to Adam Corolla's radio show.
I don't think even FedEx's timely service could help save her here.
June 24, 2008 5:03 PM | Reply | Permalink
Wow, you've got me on my knees. And that's hard.
June 24, 2008 6:34 PM | Reply | Permalink
That's not what I
heard. (insert rimshot)
June 24, 2008 7:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
I have to take this opportunity to propose a wonderful franchise opportunity. It's called The Instant Rapture Center. People can buy tickets (refundable to the original purchaser only) to experience the Rapture early and avoid the crowds.
Of course, we could use the dear departed as sources of bio fuels - no Soylent Green here - and reduce population pressure on those of us who either opt out of early Rapture or who will never get that particular call because we are godless heathens.
But I see a rich opportunity for boutique-style Rapture centers. Any takers?
June 24, 2008 6:37 PM | Reply | Permalink
As a long time Pagan/Quasi-heathen, I say count me in for a franchise fee. Let me just add that bio fuels and soylent green are needless wastes of energy for customer post pre-rapture processing. Simple cheap butchering and dehydrating them into the jerky they are ready are is much cheaper and can help feed a planet starved by bio fuel production.
June 25, 2008 11:13 AM | Reply | Permalink
It's like you've never even heard of Mad Cow Disease. It's spread by prions, which are mis-folded proteins (yes, I'm over-simplifying a bit), so as long as the proteins are there, you're at risk.
June 25, 2008 11:21 AM | Reply | Permalink
LOL!
The link's worth following just to see the list of anagrams of her name in the comments... Priceless.
June 24, 2008 8:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
if ann coulter is going to heaven, then i am in serious trouble. the first thing i will do is kick her crazy, bleached blonde, anorexic, a**!
June 24, 2008 10:44 PM | Reply | Permalink
I'm an atheist, but I'm not into conversions. If I were, however, I think creating a list of people who claim they're going to heaven might get me 9/10ths of the way there.
June 25, 2008 11:22 AM | Reply | Permalink
The Daily Clusterdouche!
Thanks for the link.
laughing out loud. there are similarities, both (in their current manifestations) love capitalism.
June 25, 2008 1:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
All of this makes me SO glad I'm agnostic. It's makes making decisions SO much easier.
June 25, 2008 1:58 AM | Reply | Permalink
Notice how little we hear about Coulter lately? Her foul (fowl) mouth has ceased to surprise anyone -- so I guess she's upping the ante.
But how do you get worse than she already is? She's insulted liberals, progressives, Democrats, democrats (the ones who are proponents of democracy), women, men, Jews, Muslims, Christians, atheists (sorry, atheists -- you aren't considered a proper noun), agnostics (we aren't either), Republicans, girlie-men, boyie-women (my particular friends), and anyone with a functioning mind and a modicum of taste. In fact, she's a walking, talking offense. She reminds me of the pile of dog poop our neighbor left sitting in the middle of the sidewalk.
June 25, 2008 12:27 PM | Reply | Permalink
LisB - Agnostics are like Independents: Grow some balls already and get off the fence. The 21st Century is no time for Wishy-Washyism, it's fish or cut bait time, sister. You know, deep down, that there's no such thing as The God™, you're just trying not to upset your saintly blue-haired aunt or that slightly crazy uncle that drinks Pabst and complains about "The Jews" by declaring your unabashed atheism. But they'll be dead soon, Lis, and even though times are tough and Lord™ knows you can use the $15 check they send you for your birthday every year, it's time to Come Out. You can do it.
More snark at The Daily Clusterdouche: Real News For Fake People.
June 25, 2008 12:38 PM | Reply | Permalink
Well, as someone who considers himself to be a strong atheist as well as a strong agnostic, I don't think these groups are exclusive.
Strong atheist = I believe there is no God or gods
A weak atheist simply does not believe in a God or gods
Strong agnostic = I believe it is impossible to know for sure if there is a God or gods
A weak agnostic simply does not know if there is a God or gods
For a long time, I was a strong agnostic before taking that "leap of faith" that was required to be a strong atheist. In fact, that "leap" happened as a consequence of trying to embrace Christianity. I studied the Bible with some friends who are truly sincere Christians. I spent a lot of time thinking about my beliefs. As a result, I ultimately came to be able to make a positive statement about what I do believe instead of only about what I don't believe.
Anyways, even if LisB is the type of agnostic who is not also an atheist, it's easy for me to understand how that is possible without attributing any wishy-washiness to her.
June 25, 2008 12:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
Excellent analysis, Ben Hocking, and far too much thinking for a comment on something I've written, sir!
June 26, 2008 3:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
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