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How Obama Blew It: The Campaign That Could Have Been

The mainstream media and political pundits have properly spanked Barack
Obama's confusing Presidential Primary campaign. He simply hasn't
closed the deal, appealed to white working class voters, shown us that
he's a regular guy, or been sufficiently entertaining.  I'd like to
join the chorus of literally dozens of voices that are now calling for
Barack Obama to get out of the race and go back to doing whatever it
was that he did before he hogged the spotlight from Hillary Clinton.

In the meantime, we can look back and imagine the campaign he could have run if he just knew more about politics.

February
7:
After controversial remarks by wife Michelle Obama, she is suddenly
replaced on the campaign trail by Jessica Simpson. Obama announces a
national initiative for women to "just sit there and smile."

February
20th:
With reports that the primary in Texas is a possible win for him,
Obama buys several cowboy hats and a small ranch just outside of Buda,
Texas--a small town north of San Antonio. He invites the press and
photographers out to watch him clear brush and toss cow patties around
with his children. Controversy about the ranch's location erupts when
an email campaign suggests "Obama is secretly a 'Budist' and that's
pretty damn close to Muslim, I think."
Obama sells the ranch and buys
another one near Lubbock, which seems more on the up and up.

March
13:
Concerned that he is losing support from key demographics such as
White Ethnic voters, Older voters and Willfully Ignorant voters, Obama
asks the press to stop referring to him as either African-American or
mixed race. He asks that from this point forward he be referred to as White Plus!

March 25:
As some critics
question Obama's foreign policy experience, he begins to tell a story
several times on the campaign trail where he claims to have fought
Al-Queda "his entire life" including stating, "Back when I lived in
Indonesia, I used to go hunting Al-Queda with my friends Biggs and
Wedge every day with rifles we bought using our allowance money," and
claims to have personally "bagged Osama Bin Laden" at a hunting trip in
Montana in late 2005. When these reports are proven false and it's
revealed that Biggs and Wedge are minor figures from the first Star
Wars film, Obama initially claims that "Star Was was based on me" until
he is finally forced to admit that he was "real tired from lots of
basketball and helping people so it's possible I mistalked" but
continues to defend the "essential almost realness" of his statements.

April
12
: On a tip from Barack Obama, Reverend Jeremiah Wright is taken from
his bed at 3am by a federal SWAT team and never seen again.

April
24:
Trailing badly in the delegate count, Obama begins hinting publicly
that "the big states" shouldn't count. "I am fighting for the people --
the real America, the little states. We don't need to be beholden to
states like California and New York that look down their noses at the
regular ole' po' folks like you and me." Critics are critical of his
use of the word "beholden" and a speech writer is fired. On Morning
Joe, David Axelrod suggests that August may bring a floor fight at the
convention to discount the votes of California and New York or
"whatever states subtraction leads us to ."

April 29: On CNN, Obama states America doesn't have
any problems that can't solved "by opening a can of whoop-ass". In the
same interview, he also threatens to 'kick the hummus' out of Iranian
leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and breaks several chairs.

May 8: In a last ditch effort to capture the nomination, Barack Obama legally changes his name to Bob O'Patriot.


Comments (36)

avatar

"join the chorus of literally dozens of voices"

funny

Frickin' awesome.

Thanks.

Thanks for the laugh.

You're good at this!

;-p

We're not worthy.

You know what's the worst part? Reading the headline, I expected the post to be serious. Because some people really have such a massive reality deficit.

avatar

Yeah, the title got me too. I didn't even realize the post was funny before reading half of it... Now I'm gonna read the first half again and rightfully laugh this time :)

But it still makes me think about just how easy it is to overlook humor and sarcasm if one is somehow led to believe that things are serious... I suppose most of Fox News's program would be really funny if they didn't continuously repeat that what they're saying is very serious.

avatar

I delight that there still some bedwetters who don't realize that The Onion is a hoax.

Many laughs. Thanks!

This is a beautiful thing you've done here.

This country needs a president who used to bag womp-rats on his T-16 back home.

Percy Dovetonsils, is that you?

"April 29: On CNN, Obama states America doesn't have any problems that can't solved "by opening a can of whoop-ass". In the same interview, he also threatens to 'kick the hummus' out of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and breaks several chairs."

I don't know why this one has me going--I can't breathe!

avatar

When I read that I got a perfect mental image of Barack in the middle of a chair-smash on Jerry Springer, with the security guards rushing in from the sidelines. It's so out of character for him that it made me laugh out loud.

It's definitely the chairs, Michael.

No Mars, it's the shoes.

I tried to hold a WIV rally (Willfully Ignorant Voters) but everyone showed up on the wrong day.

They must have gotten a call from WVWV.

The April 24 entry should be changed - Obama really does look down on big states - they don't fit his caucus+ strategy.

You're right. Why should voters count unless the rules favor the Clinton dynasty?

(slapping foreheard) I have seen the light. We simply have to change the rules and make Hillary the candidate before it's too late!

I was mad at you until Jessica Simpson. White plus? Whoop-ass? You are my hero. Kick the hummus out of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? I'll never look at garbanzo beans in the same way, ever again.

Lee, you did it again. I really love your work. I see a video of this in your future.

avatar

April
12: On a tip from Barack Obama, Reverend Jeremiah Wright is taken from
his bed at 3am by a federal SWAT team and never seen again.

This alone was worth the read. Thanks for the belly laugh!

avatar

White PLUS!!...I love it!!..that is the best ethnic descriptor for those who are 'willfully ignorant'!!!

Great snark

avatar

Most excellent!

I was there - it was true. I greeted Senator Obama as he stepped off that plane with Wedge and Biggs after one of their AQ hunting trips.

Poor, poor Biggs...we'll never forget you.

This post raises disturbing new questions for me that I'm not sure have been adequately addressed. For example:

In today's primary Obama is not likely to "close the deal" with West Virginia's "black minus" voters. Based on recent trends, West Virginia is a blue minus state.

In most blue states, Obama can count on a plurality of black minus voters. In all red and all blue states he has huge margins of white plus voters. But what about the black minus voters in blue minus states? So far these seem to be in the clinton camp. She seems to be like the great black and blue minus hope.

I am a black minus voter in a blue plus state so I'm not worried about Obama's chances here, but
what happens in the blue minus and red minus states if he can't do better with the black minus electorates there?

I hope the bloviators discuss this tonight on the their information minus networks.

avatar

Wow. Very funny stuff.

SO funny !!

Obama has had such a tough year with all his skeletones finally coming out. Is that enough to sway the votes to Hillary? or will McCain just win?? I read something on YourThreeCents.com and I wanted to share it with everyone.


WHEN WILL WE ALL WAKE UP
May 13, 2008, 1:13 pm
Posted by mark in Election2008


AS INE WHO HAS SPENT A LIFETIME DEFENDING WHAT THE UNITED STATES WAS FOUNDED ON AND IS SUPPOSED TO STAND FOR,,,,I THINK ITS TIME "WE THE PEOPLE" WOKE UP TO THE REALITY OF OUR COUNTRY'S SITUATION.

1. THE GOVERNMENT, REGARDLESS OF PARTY, COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THE PEOPLE ON THIS NATION.

2. THE CANDIDATES WE HAVE IN THIS ELECTION, ON BOTH SIDES, MOVE THEIR LIPS AIN WHATEVER DIRECTION SUITS THAT PARTICULAR DAY. LEADING ME TO BELIEVE, THE ONLY THING TWO OF THEM WANT IS TO BE THE "FIRST" WHATEVER. ON THE OTHER SIDE, MCCAIN IS COMPLETELY WISHY WASHY ON EVERY ITEM. RON PAUL WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO BE PRESIDENT, BECAUSE HE TRIES TO CHANGE THE STATUS QUO, AT THE DETRIMENT OF THE RULING CLASS.

3. OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM IS UNDERMINED BY POLITICAL ISSUES EVERYWHERE.

4. THE GOVERNMENT HAS ALLOWED OUR ECONOMY TO GET CLOSE TO ANOTHER DEPRESSION.

5. THEY FEED US THIS LINE ABOUT THE PRICE OF OIL PER BARREL,,,,,IN CASE YOU DIDNT KNOW EVERY OUNCE OF CRUDE OIL IS USED,,NOT JUST FOR GASOLINE,,,,THE OIL COMPANIES ARE LYING TO THE PUBLIC ABOUT THE COST VERSES A GALLON OF GAS.

6. AS I RECENTLY RETURNED FROM IRAQ,,,,I CAN TELL YOU THIS IS THE NEW GENERATION'S VIETNAM,,,AND YES IVE BEEN IN BOTH.

7. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING TAKEN OVER BY FORIEGN INVESTORS AND ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS,,,WHILE THE GOVERNMENT TRIES TO ALLOW THOSE PEOPLE TO TAKE AWAY FROM OUR SOCIAL SERVICES, TO INCLUDE SOC SEC,,,WHICH NON OF THEM HAVE PAID INTO.

8. MEDICARE IS A JOKE,,,HOSPITALS CHARGE WHAT THEY WANT AND MEDICARE PAYS MOST OF IT,,(IE,,,TOO TYLENOL @ $6.00 EACH,,,,GIVEN TWO AT A TIME,,,SAY 3 TIMES A DAY,,,,,,JUST USE 1 MILLION PATIENTS DAILY) DO THE MATH FOR 365 DAYS ,,,I THINK YOU WILL FAINT.

FINALLY,,,,LET ME SAY WE HAVE ALLOWED OUR POLITICAL PARTIES TO SURCOMVENT THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES AT EVERY TURN. THE SUPREME COURT NOW MAKES LAW INSTEAD OF INTERPERATING THE CONSTITUTIONALITY OF "LAWS" PASSED BY CONGRESS. THE CONGRESS DOES NOT FOLLOW THE RULES SET DOWN IN THE CONSTITUTION FOR THE PASSAGE OF LAWS. THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH, THROUGH PRES ORDER MAKES LAW, AND STATES THAT CHECK AND BALANCES DOES NOT APPLY TO THEM.

I SAY AGAIN WE MUST WAKE UP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE,,IF IT IS NOT TOO LATER ALREADY

Comments
Posted by Pan Mun Jong
on May 13, 2008, 1:21 pm

Yet another
Are we MAD AS HELL
Yet?

and indeed, I don't know who originated the bit,
but
If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention!

psssst
is it time to storm the bastille?

or?

UsInG aLl CaPs Is VeRy AnNoYiNg. It MaKeS iT LoOk lIkE YoU is ShOuTiNg, NoT tO mEnTiOn A nUtBaLl.

Oops, sorry. I just realized you were posting the nutball letter and not the nutball.

Ow.. ow.. ow my head hurts so much.. and then I got to

May 8: In a last ditch effort to capture the nomination, Barack Obama legally changes his name to Bob O'Patriot.

and truly lost it.

You forgot the infighting and the leaks. His campaign has suffered badly from an excess of harmony, insufficient ego and personal aggrandizement. The resulting lack of creative tension in his campaign is what led to this disasterous business of formulating his so-called "plan" early on during his campaign and then sticking to it from start to finish.

I can now see where Obama went wrong. You have opened my eyes. Perhaps if he had run a campaign in the vein of what you described, he might actually be... losing now?

I can't get the image out of my mind of Obama raging an "breaking several chairs".

Simply brilliant.

Bob O'Patriot?

No way I'm ever voting for a filthy Irishman.

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