At a town hall meeting in Pinehurst, North Carolina Senator Hillary Clinton told a crowd of about one-hundred that she wouldn't be beholden to the 'elitist cult of mathematicians and numerologists' when it came to deciding the winner of Democratic primary race. In response to a question about articles suggesting the mathematical impossibility of her winning the race, a visibly populist Senator Clinton lashed out at what she called 'math-a-cators and math-er-bators'.

"For too long now, the elites who do the adding and multiplying and goes-intas has let their smart alec numbers keep down the little people like you and me," Clinton told the group, which consisted mostly of a local "Over-Sixty-But-Still-Sexy" group. "Bills come in the mail, full of numbers and confusing symbols. They say they want to determine this election by adding up the number of voters and states won and delegates and superdelegtes and all confusing manner of hokum but I'm not listening to those who count the Numbers Of The Beast because I'm so busy fighting for you!"

Clinton then pointed to the questioner, who wore glasses, and yelled "Math lover!" The crowd suddenly coiled as one; a beast with two-hundred furious eyes and four-hundred talons that ripped off the man's limbs and left his body twisted and crumpled on the ground. The mob pelted his twitching remains with bowling balls and copies of Senator Clinton's book It Takes A Village.

Reports from the victim's family suggest he had no particular affinity for math but was, in fact, slightly nearsighted.