Okay, John. A few tips.

1) When Bush attacks Obama, let him do it alone. You don't really want to climb into the same news cycle with the president who has the highest unfavorable ratings in modern American history.

I realize that part of the Republican base is suspicious of you, and that you're taking this moment, early in the campaign, to reassure them about your conservative bona fides. But find some other way. When it looks like you're defending Bush, you do lasting damage to the "independent, above the partisan fray" part of your shtick.

2) Don't let your message be driven by the least successful parts of the Bush legacy.

Your first shot in the general election was, "We should never negotiate with our enemies -- and especially not with the enemies of Israel." This turned, pretty quickly, into a discussion of the Iraq war, and the way it has strengthened Israel's major enemy, Iran. Moreover, it associates you broadly with Bush's history of bluster and violence in the region.

You don't really want to make this election all about the war in Iraq. Wait a sec, what's that? . . . you do? Because you're strong on foreign policy but don't know that much about economics?

This is going to be harder than I thought.

3) Don't try to be George Will.

I don't know whether it's you or your speechwriters, but someone on your team has a habit of dragging in a fifty-cent word whenever they need to emphasize a point. When Obama took you down in this latest news cycle, it was a "hysterical diatribe." When you're arguing against partisan gridlock, you say "This mindless, paralyzing rancor must come to an end."

Dude, your target audience of swing voters doesn't really know a diatribe from a jeremiad, and they think a rancor is something from Revenge of the Jedi. It's not just that these fifty-cent words don't connect . . . they also play into a bad habit of yours, which is a stagy tendency to pause for effect. E.g. "this mindless, paralyzing rancor [you pause, smile, look around -- "look folks, I just said "rancor"!] must come to an end."

When Obama pauses for effect, he has the grace to make it look like he's genuinely thinking of what to say next. He's not. The speech is right there in front of him. But he makes it sound casual, at first -- till he gets to the last half of the speech, when he makes it sound like he's kickin your ass.

Your rhetoric sounds like it was written by George Will in order to impress William Jennings Bryan, and it's not helping you with the "age" issue.

4) Think about news cycles.

When you jumped in the same news cycle with Bush, you not only tied yourself needlessly to a stinky brand, but wasted an opportunity. Your criticism and Bush's got merged into one. Obama let his surrogates reply on day one, preparing the audience to understand his side of the story. Then *he* let fly on day two. Because the audience had already been prepared, he could adopt a calm but stern, even slightly scornful tone. He didn't come off looking defensive or wimpy. Meanwhile, your day two response . . . well, look, I think we both know that your day two response was crap. BS is fine; it's worked great for you guys. But you need to use a slightly higher quality BS, or you're going to walk into Obama's next trap, which is that you're relying on "bombastic exaggerations and fear-mongering," just like Bush.

In short, don't fire all your ammo on the first day, and have a come-back planned.

Well, John, it's been fun. May the best man win, and maybe I'll drop by Arizona sometime and say hi.

*******

If you're about to write a comment warning me not to be overconfident, or stop donating -- breathe easy. I remember 2000. And since my real-life momma worked for the county Democratic party, I'm confident that her "don't-pile-on" instructions contained an exception about Republicans. But I would encourage comments with more advice for John McCain. The guy could use some.

Oh, and John...
Please continue with the "deer in the headlights" look when delivering your speeches, it will encourage sympathy when you are on a debate stage with Obama.

More advice for John:

Continue saying "my friends" every three seconds. It reminds voters of the endearing way Rain Man spoke and an autistic savant is a huge upgrade from the lobotomy patient currently occupying the WH.

My friends . . .
My friends . . .
My friends . . .
My friends . . .

Maybe do a Jackson five style music tour,... But instead of Jackson make it Keating.

Oh. I thought you were thinking about the way Obama has treated Hillery. Never mind.

I think you should unleash your well known temper on some unsuspecting reporter just doing their job, cause you know how much Americans love a fighter.

Dear John,
By all means, spend more time hugging Dubya. That picture where you have your arms wrapped around him with the little "my daddy" smile, while Dubya waves at the crowds? That one is priceless! Do that a lot more!

Also, be sure to write your last initial along with
Dubya's last initial in as many places as possible. You know . . . carve it picnic tables and old oak trees and stuff i.e. BM, the little stinkers!

Good Luck,
K

As for the Brylcreemed comb-over, I suggest getting the part closer to the ear--I've noticed it's been creeping up lately. The constant blinking shows sincerity and we don't think its just dry contact lenses. Keep talking about Tocqueville.
Great thread--thanks!

Obama gave a speech on race. McCain should give a speech on how Chick-fil-a will save America’s jobs.

Bringing back jobs to America is hard work 'my friends," and would require good Amreicans to eat more chikkin and work at Chick-fil-a.

McCain should continuously talk thusly: "my friends" community colleges are solution to lost jobs because such colleges, "my friends" are a great place to get training to work at the local Chic-fil-a. Community colleges "my friends" offer degrees in faith-based Driverolgy, "my friends" and degrees in Chic-fil-a Manegeriology, Fryerology and "my friends" faith-based Food Prepology. Chick-fil-a, "my friends" will save American jobs, "my friends."

your momma didn't prepare you to deal with vampires and repuglitards

those bastards got a habit of not stayin dead

don't you watch horror movies ???

you gotta keep kicking them in the balls and putting stakes in their hearts until the credits roll

no offense, but you mom raised you to be the person who gets whacked in reel one

(wink)

dear senator mccain:

you are a wonderful and honest human being, and everything you have done in your life has been absolutely brilliant, including your campaign for president

please do not change a thing about yourself or your campaign

things are looking great. full steam ahead. I'm sure you will win the Blue Riband back from Cunard lines at the end of your voyage

everybody here at White Star Line have full confidence in your abilities as a Capitan, er president ...

signed, a loyal American (note the flag pin)

(I might have let the sarcasm show thru a little there at the end)

Johnny,

Keep taking new stances opposing your old positions. This demonstrates mental flexibility.

Also, spend more time with other administration officials. Maybe go hunting with Cheney.

Look, McCain this Obama punk has no military combat training. What you need to do at the first debate is do a head long rush at him and give him a few sucker punches before the Secret Service pulls you guys apart. Then act bewildered as if having a senior dementia moment, that'll clear you of assault charged and then you'll get that poor old man sympathy vote. Just repeat that at every single debate and you'll be a shoe-in!

Obama plays basketball.

Hillary bowls and shoots guns and maybe a killer ping-pong player, we just don't know about it yet.

GWB rides bikes and plays golf and burns underbrush.

Dubya's Pa took up chute jumping.

McCain should take up sitting in a rocking chair while hugging a photo of Dubya. That would promote his image as a presidential Grampy candidate, who loves his Commander in Chief.

Another couple of suggestions Senator. You could have the College Republicans send out fundraising mailers like they did during Bush's second campaign bombarding little old ladies with dire predictions of your political demise and dunning them for money lest your failure rest squarely on their poor befuddled heads. As they squeeze every last cent out of these widows they'll send them flag pins again asking these elderly victims to pray over them and then return these little trinkets so you can wear them when you accept the nomination. Just like they promised Bush would in 2004.

The kicker is, unlike Bush you will wear every single one of them all over your body if need be (be careful around the crotch, you want to avoid pricking the ol' main mast) as you step to the podium on national teevee for your acceptance speech. You'll look like a red, white and blue knight in shining armor to these women and a 21st century pin cushion to the rest of us. You need to act boldly and think outside the box Senator. Nothing says "maverick" like covering your body in tiny tin symbols of our nation. You'd be literally wrapping yourself in the flag in a sparkly display
of patriotism.

Hire more lobbyists to run your campaign. Lots of them. Preferably representing as many vile thuggish dictators and amoral polluters as they are to be had. Then declare you're holding your friends close and your enemies closer.

Have another affair. It humanizes you!

Over at bloggingheads Mickey Kaus smugly predicts that another McCain sex scandal is in the offing. Let's hope it has more legs, as it were, than the last one.

If you saw SNL tonight, you may have noticed that McCain is returning our favor by giving Democrats advice (mainly about the primary, and ways to keep it going up to or even beyond the convention).

John, Some advice. Act like Mike Gravel, only a little zanier