TPM deserves better trolls!

I'm not going to just sit on my hands and take this sitting down, on my hands!  Enough is enough!  It's time we DEMAND a finer breed of trolls.  Those of us who toil regularly to post blogs and comments expect better bitter fruits for our finger-blistering labor.  

Is it too much to ask that we have trolls who can spell and use a little humor while hurling insults?  Can't our trolls at least have the decency to come up with an avatar that is easily identifiable, with photos large enough for us to actually see who's in it?  I'm not asking that they make a cogent point when they post, but at a minimum they should make a contribution to the TPM culture in their own twisted way, not just take up comment space.

So, I say we host a troll competition.  We can advertise on other blog sites, as well as Craigslist.  Fist, we must determine what kind of hoops our trolls must be able to jump through to pass muster.  I have a few ideas, and then I'll open the floor to suggestions.

•  The Don Rickles Funny Insult Competition.  We'll need a panelist of judges who score contestants on the both the quickness of response and originality of humor.  Bonus points may be awarded for pop culture, literary, or political sound-bite references.  Penalties for crudity, profanity, or references to someone's dead child.  But, it is also not enough to dish it out, they must take it too.  We'll pit trolls against one another, and the one's who come out on top earn even more points.

•  The Avatar Awards.  Like the Emmys, we would award points to the best avatar in different categories: Most recognizable (nothing like being able to identify your favorite troll quickly); most politically humorous, most original, etc.

•  The Bad Neighbor We Love to Hate Competition.  Again, points may be awarded for various qualities, but essentially, we're looking for trolls who can add value to the TPM community.  Like the crabby old man who lives up the street that yells at all the kids, or the homeless dude who passes through one in a while talking to his imaginary friend, or the busybody next door who's never happy, always complaining, and sticking her nose into other people's business.  Every community has people like this.  TPM just isn't complete without it.   So, in this case, the judges will be looking for someone who can add that special negative quality that inspires camaraderie among the more normal members of the TPM society.

•  The Signature Event.  All great trolls have a signature style.  Some follow a particular format each time they post, and some literally close with a signature tag-line after each post.  Some trolls repeat the same phrases , while others impersonate a candidate or someone else and speak as though they are that person (usually also represented by their avatar).  Recognizability and ability to stay in-character would be among the qualities judged here.

•  Finally, The Troll-Around-The-Clock-A-Thon. That's right, we have all aspiring trolls make posts at least once every 10 minutes, starting at the same time, and going until the last one makes his/her final post before passing out.  We'll provide any and all legal chemical stimulants the competitor requests.  The longer a troll lasts, the more points they earn.  Points would be deducted for poor punctuation, misspellings, bad grammar, all caps, or identical posts, etc.

I'm open to other suggestions, so please chime in with your ideas.

We've put up with sub-par trolling long enough. It is time to raise the bar and make our trolls prove their TPM-worthiness.