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General Petraeus Urges New 'TiVo Strategy' for Iraq
Mastering remote controls may hold key to victory
By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList
WASHINGTON DC -- Testifying before Congress today, General David Petraeus urged the nation to press “Pause” in its efforts to withdraw US troops from Iraq, more than five years after invading the sovereign nation.
Petraeus
said the administration's new “TiVo Strategy” would provide a clearer
picture of what's happening on the ground in Iraq, especially when
viewed on high-definition TV sets. It also would allow the president to
visit the potty and get a snack while the US military attempts to
extricate itself from the war-torn nation.
Petraeus
promised the president would return to the couch and hit Play, though
probably not before late January 2009. Congressional Democrats urged
the administration to press Fast Forward, but declined to take over the
remote controls, saying they weren't sure how how to work the buttons
and were afraid they might break something.
In other news, Senator David Vitter (R-La.) narrowly avoided severe injury yesterday when a car in which he was a passenger slammed into a stop sign
outside a courthouse in northern Louisiana. Vitter was was being
pursued by journalists seeking comment about his upcoming testimony in
the DC Madam trial. The high-speed pursuit lasted approximately 15
feet. Police blamed aggressive paparazzi for the unlawful death of the
sign.
Local prostitutes could not be reached for comment.
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