Altoona, PA (TPM).  Altoona police, acting on a tip from FoxNews, confirm that they found at Hillary Clinton's Altoona headquarters a stolen copy of the legendary "Republican playbook," a document often referenced by Democrats during this primary season.  The existence of this fabled document had not previously been confirmed.  Notes on this copy of the playbook indicate that it was secretly passed from the Republican National Committee to then-Clinton strategist Dick Morris during a 1996 "triangulation" exercise, and presented by Morris (without RNC permission) to Bill Clinton as a farewell present after Morris was fired by Bill Clinton for sucking a whore's toes.  The contents of the playbook are making news at this hour.  They include:
 
Chapter One, "Cultural Wedge Issues," was the most dog-eared and annotated chapter of the Clintons' personal copy of the playbook.  Written by Lee Atwater and revised by RNC staffers, it touted the use of racial imagery as a wedge between lower-income whites and Democrats.  The playbook states:  "Our core suggestion for appeal to rural whites is repetition of the image of the black man, preferably as alien as you can make him.  Reminding the lower-income white voter that the Democrats are allied with blacks yields reactive voting in whites.  Bonus points for weird photos!  See Willie Horton episode."  Likewise, the playbook advises, "attacking black figures perceived as extreme is a great idea.  For example, Bill Clinton's attack on Sister Souljah."  In the copy police found in the Clinton facility, the Souljah passage is circled in red ink with smiley faces around it, with the words "WRIGHT!" and "SCARY BLACK PREACHER MAN" written in the margins.
 
Chapter Five, "Dissent Is Unpatriotic," suggests that willingness to talk to enemies, understand our enemies, or to suggest that our enemies may periodically make valid points are all markers for weakness.  "Strongly suggest that anyone doing any of these be tarred as naive, unpatriotic, Ivy League wusses.  Attack works best if one has an unbroken record of using and supporting the use of the military -- to paraphrase Lennon:  give war a chance!"  An additional tip, "remember than Republicans always have more Commander in Chief credibility -- remind the voters that the Democrat is inferior to the Republican in his ability to command an army."  The margin note in this chapter:  "Hil-worked for Bush in '00 and '04; think they're onto something.  Bill"
 
Chapter Seven, "Make Yourself More Common!" explains how Ivy League educated scions of wealth can make themselves tribunes of Reagan Democrats by branding themselves with cultural markers ranging from buses to beer to boxing gloves to remind the lower income white voter -- as frequently as possible if the economy has tanked -- that they are more blue collar than the Democratic opponent.  Additional nuggets include:  "Calling your opponent 'elitist' makes you more common even when you attended Yale!  See George H.W. Bush v. Michael Dukakis, and 1988 Republican Convention speeches."  And:  "Our focus groups show that no one is as anathema to the rural white swing voter as Jesse Jackson.  We therefore also suggest as strongly as possible linking your Democratic opponent to Jesse Jackson."  The margin note here, sources indicate, is "D-DAY!  JAN 25 IN SC!  SUPER TUESDAY HERE WE COME!" 
 
Reactions varied widely among the principals in this crisis.  DNC Chairman Howard Dean admitted he was "stunned.  I mean, when I've said to 'take a page from the Republican playbook,' I really meant it idiomatically, just to be insulting.  To learn that there literally _is_ such a thing is, honestly, deeply disturbing."
 
Meanwhile, Senator Clinton attempted to justify her use of the playbook, stating:  "If only our party had a playbook, I would assuredly have been using it in this campaign.  Just as it takes a Clinton to clean up after a Bush, it also takes a DLC Clinton to realize that our party does not have enough good plays to comprise an entire playbook.  If Chairman Dean cared as much about constructing a proper playbook as he does about aiding Senator Obama by disenfranchising Michigan and Florida, we would not be distracted today by these unfair attacks upon my campaign."
 
President Bush, in an impromptu press conference, castigated the Clintons for both use and possession of the playbook.  "Our party's playbook is more than a metaphor.  It has been a reality that has guided my administration, and apparently, at times, the prior administration.  But aside from the legal issues the Clintons' theft and use of the GOP playbook raises, it will simply confuse voters to have Democrats running as Republicans.  We need a clear choice in our election, and we claim as Republicans the votes of all those who admire the tenets of the playbook."
 
Reached in his new post at FoxNews, former Bush confidante Karl Rove noted that the RNC would be filing an action against the Clinton campaign, both claiming infringement of RNC intellectual property rights, and seeking to enjoin the Clinton campaign from using cultural wedge issues in Pennsylvania.  "We can do this to Obama ourselves," Rove stated, "We don't need the Clintons thinking they can do it better.  We have plenty of experience at ripping down Democrats without the brand confusion inherent in Hillary Clinton running entire pages straight out of the playbook, and we are confident that federal judges appointed by both Presidents Bush will agree."
 
However, Altoona Police Chief Thomas Jones suggested at his press conference that Republican charges were overstated.  In particular, he pointed out, the entire last chapter of the playbook -- entitled, "How Use of This Playbook Guarantees a Permanent Republican Majority," was in pristine and untouched condition, lacking notes or even fingerprints, indicating that the Clintons had failed even to read, much less use, that critical section.