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Blue-Collar Boot Camp
Perhaps you've heard of Barack Obama's shocking condescension to the good working people of small town Pennsylvania and Hillary Clinton's courageous defense of their blissful collective mental health. We Democrats, it seems, have a problem connecting with the happy little working people, which is a bit of a shame because their votes would really come in helpful this November. They used to be our little people, you know, before Reagan stole them away from us with his family values sham. I think it's time to get them back. That's why I've created the Biennial Blue-Collar Boot Camp for Elite Democrats. Our intense regimen is designed to transform progressive political candidates from snobby elites to regular guys and gals in an efficient and scientific manner. After 48 hours at our facility in the backwoods west of Scranton, we guarantee that your appeal among hicks, rednecks, trailer trash, and assorted working class riff-raff will improve by at least 57%.
2008 Biennial Blue-Collar Boot Camp for Elite Democrats
ELIGIBILITY: Open to registered Democrats only
COST: $8000 (cash upfront required)
SCHEDULE:
Saturday
9:00am Registration
9:30am Pledge of Allegiance. Cheat sheets provided.
10:00am Voice Training. Perfect diction can be scary for people can't speak properly. Our voice trainers will help you discover your inner drawl and teach you how to violate grammatical rules in a folksy manner. They will also help you to adopt colloquial idioms and mispronounce big words convincingly.
12:00pm Lunch: Food Stamp Simulation. Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches
1:00pm Resume Padding. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be the son of a mill worker. We'll help you emphasize those aspects of your biography that appeal to the working class. Childhood vacations in Appalachia? Grandparents from Kansas? Shot your sister with a BB gun? These elements can become the critical foundations for your new working class background.
2:30 Talking Points. We'll help you choose the right issues to enhance your blue-collar appeal, including NAFTA repeal, immigration restrictions, gun rights, and big ass 10 commandments monuments in every courtroom, classroom, and bowling alley. We'll also give you tips on post-election strategies to ensure that none of these positions actually pass, but the opposition party receives the blame.
3:30pm Sensitivity Training. Our role-playing exercises will help you to put yourself in the shoes of working class people so that you can avoid condescending and insensitive remarks.
4:30pm Recreation: Snowmobiling (weather permitting). Experience the intense joy of hurtling at 100 mph and 120 decibels through a previously silent forest covered in once virgin snow.
6:30pm Dinner: Small Game Night. Smorgasbord of squirrel, possum, rabbit, and raccoon
8:30pm Beer Tasting. Learn to appreciate the subtle differences between PBR, Coors, Miller, and Budweiser.
9:30pm Recreation: Bowling
Sunday
8:30am Breakfast: Grits
9:30am Church
11:00am Religious Study. You don't have to be a Bible scholar to impress working class people with your faith. Solemn words about the importance of God in your life and a few well-placed biblical allusions are sufficient establish your religious bona fides. We'll also help you find the right church. Baptism and Methodism are preferred, but any mainstream Protestant sect other than Episcopalianism or Quakerism is acceptable. Catholicism is not ideal but will suffice. Contrary to received opinion, it's OK to belong to a black church, but it must be a happy, gospel-singing black church, as seen in movies like Sister Act. If you belong to any other faith, we recommend that you consider conversion. Islam and Sikhism (which, as both involve turbans, are indistinguishable to working people) are right out.
12:00pm Lunch: Adventures With Grease. Fried chicken, fried steak, fried catfish, fried green tomatoes, fried freedom fries. For dessert, fried Snickers bars and fried ice cream.
1:00pm Fashion Make-Over. This lesson is loads of fun. Replace that tie or pantsuit with jeans and a sports jersey. Cowboy boots optional. The trick is authenticity. Done incorrectly, you end up looking like a New York hipster. Our hair stylists will show you how to get by with a $10 haircut. We also recommend that African-American participants undergo some skin-lightening treatment.
2:30pm Lecture: The Nature of the Working Class Mind. Top psychologists discuss the latest advances in cognitive study of the mind of the working person. The cortex is generally smaller than those of elites and atrophied from lack of use. The emotional centers are neurologically bound to key issues, like gun ownership and immigration. We'll show you how to stimulate these nerve centers with appropriate application of key words and phrases.
3:30pm Hunting 101. We'll teach you to hunt grouse, partridge, deer, and small varmints. Game will be confined to cages and heavily sedated, so you're guaranteed to bag something.
5:30 Sports Appreciation. Learn the finer points of popular working class spectator events, including Nascar, monster truck rallies, pro-wrestling, and blowing shit up.
6:30pm Celebratory Dinner: McDonald's
8:00pm Campfire: Gather with your fellow candidates to sing Christmas jingles and classic participatory chants, including "Tastes Great, Less Filling" and "Wazzup!". Group hug.
Comments (80)
Should be Grits with Biscuits and Gravy and Eggs and bacon and ham and OJ/sweet tea. Hell just go to cracker barrel.
April 14, 2008 12:28 PM | Reply | Permalink
Well this is a southern country breakfast not sure if its the same up north.
April 14, 2008 12:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
Scrapple would be the preferred fare.
April 14, 2008 1:10 PM | Reply | Permalink
Biscuits and gravy, yes (born and raised in western PA), grits, a little rarer. Cracker Barrel is good, but it's got nothing on Bob Evans.
April 14, 2008 5:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
I was lookng for the pandering overview class. Guess I'll settle for the soundbite seminar.
Jim Webb needs to attend; he shows shocking insensitivity in this WSJ piece from 2006:
'Working Americans have been repeatedly seduced at the polls by emotional issues such as the predictable mantra of "God, guns, gays, abortion and the flag" while their way of life shifted ineluctably beneath their feet.'
http://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110009246
Thanks to CBIG on Jan Knaus' blog, http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/04/well-at-least-bill-clinton-agr.php
April 14, 2008 12:32 PM | Reply | Permalink
Nice - but there won't be any dancing?! Line dancing, the macarena, the chicken dance...so many possibilities.
Sadly, if Mark Penn held this boot camp, candidates would come. He'd also charge $80,000.
I think candidates would do themselves a world of good to not take themselves too seriously and offer up bits of self-deprecating humor. Mike Huckabee did this effectively and comes across as very likeable and genuine.
But I guess you have to take yourself pretty seriously if you want to run for President.
April 14, 2008 12:33 PM | Reply | Permalink
Due to bitter experience, I've adopted a no-dancing policy in my posts
April 14, 2008 12:36 PM | Reply | Permalink
You're not allowed to be bitter if you live in NY.
April 14, 2008 4:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
Now if you understood anything about the working people of Pennsylvania, you would know that it's polka and squaredancing. Line dancing, of course, is what the young'uns are doing.
April 14, 2008 1:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
Genghis you are too much!! Thanks for the much-needed lunchtime chuckle.
((You still remain my undisputed transcontinental blog-crush))
April 14, 2008 4:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thank you, poster formerly known as iheartgenghis and formerly formerly known as oakviolin. I was hoping that you would start a trend with that screen name. Nonetheless, I accept and appreciate the support of my lone defender in the great Genghis-DF testosterone battle. Maybe I should get a fur hat.
April 14, 2008 6:35 PM | Reply | Permalink
I only changed it in case it was embarrassing for you, but you're right.. why should I try to hide this admiration? Why not celebrate the thrilling angst and perpetually unrequited angst of blog-love?
But as far as the DF battle, please don't ask me to throw-down on LisB, she's way too cool ;)
April 14, 2008 6:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
(Didn't mean to double-angst, but you get the drift..)
April 14, 2008 6:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
Ha. Now I'm embarrassed.
April 14, 2008 7:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
Aww, does it really have to be a battle? Surely the blogosphere is big enough for the both of us!
April 15, 2008 12:16 AM | Reply | Permalink
Easy for you to say. You've got most of the women and gay men at the cafe lusting after you. I feel like Kucinich next to Obama.
(Mike Gravel is obviously played by Billy Glad in this analogy.)
April 15, 2008 12:34 AM | Reply | Permalink
At dinner, I'd suggest you steer clear of the possum unless they assure you it was fed on bread and milk for a week before they killed it. Also, save the PBR for last in the beer tasting. Like dead last, after you've already blown grits at least once.
April 14, 2008 4:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
Beer Tasting: Learn to appreciate the subtle differences between PBR, Coors, Miller, and Budweiser.
Two points: one, there's nothing subtle about the difference between the taste of an ice-cold blue ribbon and the rest of that swill. Two: by sneaking Coors into your list of brews, your McCain allegiances have been exposed for all the see.
GOTCHA POLITICS 08!
(well done, Genghis)
April 14, 2008 4:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Interestingly enough, Augustus Busch IV (the present baron of Budweiser) is a big Clinton donor, so presumably the inclusion of Bud on that list betrays his Clinton allegiances.
April 14, 2008 5:17 PM | Reply | Permalink
Fair enough, Greg. Fair enough. :)
April 14, 2008 9:45 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks Joe. Glad to have your appreciation back after my last post.
April 14, 2008 7:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
G-man, you never lost my appreciation to begin with. Next PBR is on me, man.
April 14, 2008 8:46 PM | Reply | Permalink
Cheers. In all honesty, while I'll never turn down free beer, I can't stand the stuff. Too much of a beer snob. I wouldn't survive my own course.
All sorts of connections on this thread. Philosophy of language. U Pitt doctoral refugee. You?
April 14, 2008 9:38 PM | Reply | Permalink
Philo- undergrad (Loyola Chicago), got suckered into getting a law degree, and now I'm wrapping up an MA in philosophy as we speak. Then it's likely back to teaching undergrads in adjunct hell, at least for now.
I'm a closet beersnob as well, though the Bush-McCain economy has learned me a lesson or two about enjoying the cheaper beers life has to offer. That's my way of saying: next microbrew is on me. Cheers indeed!
April 14, 2008 9:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
You're a better man than me. Make those undergrads' heads spin. (From philosophy, not PBR)
April 14, 2008 9:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
Incidentally, another philosophy guy here as well. Props!
April 14, 2008 8:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
And no brush-clearing? Isn't that how Bush got his down-to-earth connect-with-the-working-class votes?
April 14, 2008 5:24 PM | Reply | Permalink
That would be pandering
April 14, 2008 6:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
That's so deliciously elitist of you.
April 14, 2008 5:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
There should be something about how to slug back shots in front of the camera and how the glass of beer the candidate is holding should not be bigger than their hand or their face.
April 14, 2008 5:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
That's right. The "doing a shot" photo op with voters gathered 'round is just one of many ways to show you're simpatico with the common man. And I thought John Kerry's hunting trip was bad...
April 14, 2008 11:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
I'm all for cheap shots and beer threads.
This one is great, as usual. Pity I'm reading it in the morning.
I'm staring longingly at my little shot bottle of Cuervo. (It's only for emergencies....)
April 15, 2008 7:18 AM | Reply | Permalink
Wow, any body who completes this course would be able to convince the mighty Chris Matthews of their salt of the Earth bonafides.
April 14, 2008 6:01 PM | Reply | Permalink
Chris Matthews has actually pre-registered. Could he be planning to run for public office?
April 14, 2008 6:36 PM | Reply | Permalink
What a great boot camp! I almost wish I could sign up, but I can't afford the elitist registration fee.
I wouldn't mind staffing one of these boot camps, though... Does it have to be in PA only??? Could we also have camps held in other non-elite areas? A Texas camp might be an awesome location for blue-collar sensitivity training too!
Why, we could he'p ever'one right along--teach th' importance of workin' harder'n a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest, and gettin' right with the Lord (and thanks to the large population of working class Latinos, Catholic church is good too!) And don't fergit awll the cultural thangs Texas has to offer. In addition to awll the critters you listed to shoot at, we got armadillas, jackrabbits, javelinas, and rattlesnakes. An' we'll barbecue up awlmost anythang. For entertainment, there's some bowlin' here, but not much. We prefer shootin' stuff. And t*ttie bars. Even the gals.
Whaddaya thank?
April 14, 2008 6:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
What a great boot camp! I almost wish I could sign up, but I can't afford the elitist registration fee.
I wouldn't mind staffing one of these boot camps, though... Does it have to be in PA only??? Could we also have camps held in other non-elite areas? A Texas camp might be an awesome location for blue-collar sensitivity training too!
Why, we could he'p ever'one right along--teach th' importance of workin' harder'n a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest, and gettin' right with the Lord (and thanks to the large population of working class Latinos, Catholic church is good too!) And don't fergit awll the cultural thangs Texas has to offer. In addition to awll the critters you listed to shoot at, we got armadillas, jackrabbits, javelinas, and rattlesnakes. An' we'll barbecue up awlmost anythang. For entertainment, there's some bowlin' here, but not much. We prefer shootin' stuff. And t*ttie bars. Even the gals.
Whaddaya thank?
April 14, 2008 6:24 PM | Reply | Permalink
Too much, too much. It has to look natural.
A TX branch is a good idea. With all the hopeful legislative candidates, demand is through the roof, so we're going to need multiple locations locations. I've decided to set up a franchise operation and encourage you to set up a camp down there. You get to keep half the profit. I will of course have to tour the facility to give it my stamp of approval.
April 14, 2008 6:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
Here is the blue collar schedule I know from my friends , neighbors and clients.
Up at 5:30, feed cow. (no mad-cow fears, of course I, for one have a problem with eating a cow who once was a sort of pet! Vegan me!)
6:00-7:15, kids bathed and breakfasted make sure they catch bus, or drop them at daycare or school.
7:45, arrive at work.
8:15, call home to make sure husband is home from P&G diaper or cereal factory, 12 hr shift. (he'll leave for work again this evening @ 6:15.)
8:15-12:00 work.
12:00-1:00 lunch hour-run errands , shop for groceries.
1:00-5:00 work.(@ 2:30 husband got up after after 5 1/2 hrs sleep or so to get kids.If circumstances allow he may take another nap before he leaves for work again.
5:30 arrive home and make dinner, check on children's homework.(if children involved in after school activities this schedule may vary or be delayed.)
6:00 make sure husband ready for work, brief kiss and conversation, he wolfs down dinner and is gone.
6:30, dishes , laundry,(warning! if no facilities on premises Saturday morning may be laundry mat day. Fun for all! Who doesn't want to do a weeks worth of laundry in 3 hours time on the only morning you could possibly sleep in!) homework, bath time, storytime etc.(if child has school project this schedule may be ammended for last minute trip to store.)
9:30 , shower, collapse in bed. repeat until weekend or husband's day off(during which he will deal with home and lawn maintenance, boy scout activities, auto maintenance and , if there's time sex on friday or saturday with you.)
Sometimes dinner is fried food or fast food, like scout night or dance lesson night, or game night, but not very often because who can afford it? Usually some kind of noodle casserole or burgers or chili. (After all since Bessie the cow was butchered the freezer is full of beef and since hubby did well during deer season there is venison too! A little gamey but meat none the less.
Not a lot of time for reading or watching Keith Olberman to be sure, but sometimes a chapter or two from a second hand John Grisham or Patricia Cornwell novel in spare moments.
These are my blue collar , red neck friends and neighbors.
They will bring over food if someone in your family dies or is sick.
They will pick up your kids if you can't.
They will clear the debris from a storm form your Grandma's yard just to be neighborly.
They will help you out if you have a flat or need a jump for your car battery.
They will help you move across town for free and your new neighbors will bring over some rice krispie treats('cause everybody like those!) to welcome you to the neighborhood.
They have their short comings but they are the salt of the earth!
I've lived in San Francisco, Los Angeles & St. Louis (where, depending on the neighborhood you will basically have the same kind of people.)
And I dearly love my blue collar , red neck neighbors!
(And , if it is the right sort of town many of these people are Doctors and College Professors! What a wonderful world we live in!)
God Bless Garrison Keeler!
April 14, 2008 7:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks, stravu9. I hope that you didn't read this post as a parody of blue collar folks. I intentionally exaggerated common stereotypes in order to satirize political pandering (from both parties) and Democratic handwringing about how to "connect" with the working class.
I'm departing from protocol to explain the "joke" because I think that this distinction is particularly subtle and that I crossed it at times. My personal opinion is that no broad demographic is good or bad, nor merits respect or denigration. I reserve that honor for individuals.
Speaking of which, I love Keeler. I grew up in Iowa, Minnesota's southern neighbor, and we used to listen to him in a satire class I once took in high school, though his satire is a much gentler kind than my own. Not to mention funnier.
April 14, 2008 7:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
You are such a coward. How do you know she wasn't making all that up? She's probably a house full of college students who are laughing their asses off at you right now. And you claim to be a New Yorker. You would make a real New Yorker puke. Speaking of which. Where is Desidero tonight?
April 14, 2008 9:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
Maybe I'm a house full of college students. From Arkansas.
I'm bored of Desidero's puke/possession jokes. I liked her better when she was pissed off.
April 14, 2008 9:57 PM | Reply | Permalink
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txrikNFX-8E
Hope the link works. I have to get some sleep. I picked up a couple of personal trolls today. Tiring. Defending Hillary is exhausting. I don't know what we're going to say about Tuzla in the debate. I'm so worried.
April 14, 2008 10:23 PM | Reply | Permalink
No, sorry, I'm in Mid America.( Remember my reference a few weeks ago to the floods? We had to evacuate and then I had to go work at the shelters for a few days.)
And trust me darlin' , If I were going to make something up it would be a little more glamorous than a Social Worker. (Actually , I DID work as a background vocalist for a little during College.)
But, I digress. I'm surprised at you! You were never this mean and distrustful when I was still leaning towards Mrs. Clinton!
April 15, 2008 9:55 PM | Reply | Permalink
April 14, 2008 11:21 PM | Reply | Permalink
you,sir ,are full of it.
April 15, 2008 9:48 PM | Reply | Permalink
No, I knew it was in the spirit of fun.
I just want to be sure that we know who these folks really are.
They do love trucks and country music and consider Chinese and Mexican food "exotic" but I've seen many of them offer rides to work to some of the new immigrant families in the area and the local Churches have started Spanish services.
And they may talk too loud and wave their flags too much but it is their sons who, because of the loss of the manufacturing base, are going off to War.
There is a sad nobility to people who are watching the way of life they grew up to expect disappearing before their eyes and still trying to make the best of things.
I appreciate your concern that I might have had my feelings hurt.
You're a good guy, Genghis.
April 14, 2008 7:58 PM | Reply | Permalink
Shucks, you're going to ruin my reputation.
I've found that people occasionally miss the point of my posts. Not that they don't see that it's a joke, but they miss the target. For instance, they think that I'm ridiculing Clinton's laugh, when I'm actually satirizing the journalists who focus on her laugh. Normally, I don't care. Indeed, it gives me some pleasure to see a clueless troll stumble over the parody. But "hick jokes" are too easy, too hackneyed, and can be tinged by nasty prejudice. I respect your posts and didn't what you (or anyone else) to misinterpret me in this case.
And I hear you. I live in New York now, but I'm occasionally nostalgic from for my small midwestern city upbringing. Not that Iowa City is a working class town, but there's a lot of Iowa in it, notwithstanding all the academic transplants.
April 14, 2008 8:14 PM | Reply | Permalink
I got nothing against city boys. I married one, born and raised in San Francisco, he was, met him at midnight on Halloween at the corner of Haight and Ashbury. He was Indiana Jones and I was Scarlett O'Hara and already had a date, who I manged to lose. He proposed 4 days later. And I dragged his Environmentalist Greenpeace self back with me to America's Heartland!
He is actually quite an exotic specimen himself around here and has opened an Environmental Training Company and a Recycling Center. While I do my Social Work! We're quite Bohemian for the sticks!
April 14, 2008 8:43 PM | Reply | Permalink
Ha. I used to live around the corner at Page and Steiner (also around the other corner at Grattan and Cole), and I've occasionally dressed as Indiana Jones for Halloween. 4 day courtship? That's some passion. Great story.
April 14, 2008 8:55 PM | Reply | Permalink
We lived on 5th Ave. about 1 & 1/2 blocks from Goldengate Park after we were married and before he lived in a Yellow house on Cole, 3rd Floor and I lived on the Panhandle in an apartment with a balcony with my gay Theatre friends from College! Great times! Great City!
April 14, 2008 9:11 PM | Reply | Permalink
I let my pet praying mantis go in Golden Gate Park.
Absolutely a great city, but I moved back to Connecticut because I didn't want my daughter getting beat up for wearing the wrong color to school. I'm glad your husband survived his upbringing there. The horror stories my co-workers told me scared the heck out of me.
I miss it terribly. I may move back there after my daughter is out of the house.
April 15, 2008 7:41 AM | Reply | Permalink
Actually , he was raised in Pacific Heights and attended private school and UCLA. (His parents were afraid Berkeley was too liberal, You see, they are not!)
And we talk about moving back there too. But there is really more to be done that needs to be done here.
In San Francisco there are so many enlightened people we are one of many. Here, we are the voice in the wilderness, and are making a difference.
April 15, 2008 7:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
That was pretty hilarious cuz'!
April 14, 2008 8:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
Ha, ha. Very clever. How does this help? Oh, I guess it's all in good fun to insult small town blue collar rubes, right? After all, we won't be voting for Obama anyway. Well, I have some news for you, I'm voting for Obama in spite of you snobs (except strava9). Why don't you and Mayhill (or whatever her name is)charter a bus or something and spread this hilliaryarious idea all over the place. It's sure to be a big hit with the people who have been leaving the Democratic party in droves recently. Maybe you can even get the McCain campaign to chip in on some gas money--I'm sure his oil company buddies won't mind.
April 14, 2008 8:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
xpatriate, please read my response to stravu9 upthread about 4 comments. My clarification was not necessary for her, but you apparently did miss the point.
April 14, 2008 9:09 PM | Reply | Permalink
You can't fool me. You're probably a super-elite Naderite analyzing the voting habits of the echo chamber. You people are exploiting Genghis's need to be liked. I, however, have found it more entertaining to exploit his guilt. I believe he secretly converted to Catholicism last month. Have you finished your taxes, Ghengis?
April 14, 2008 9:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
I only want you to like me. It was always you, Billy.
April 14, 2008 10:00 PM | Reply | Permalink
I do like you. I like everybody. Even my personal trolls. I'm going to give them a bowl of warm milk and an old shirt to sleep on if they turn up today.
I'll be reading, but I think I'll take a break from commenting and posting for a few days. Maybe all the way to Indiana. I think a lot of us are running on empty these days.
I wish you'd get rid of that avatar and put your real picture up.
April 15, 2008 10:31 AM | Reply | Permalink
This has become such a social club.
Billy shakes allsburg up and tosses him into the echo chamber
Meet my new little friend!
April 14, 2008 9:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
Now you're tossing babies. Have you no limits?
April 14, 2008 9:52 PM | Reply | Permalink
Genghis - Loved it! Thanks.
I knew it was a parody.
But all this talk about elitism makes me think about how many highly educated, but not wealthy democrats there are out here. I'm sure some of those blue collar workers make as much as I do. Do they think the opposite is true?
So are we talking about education elite or income elite here? It seems like with Obama, people resent that he is soooooooo smart!!! You don't have to be smart to millions (case in point, Bush)
Whatdyathink?
-Susie
April 14, 2008 11:44 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks susie. Don't confuse people. There are rich, prius-driving, latte-drinking, harvard-attending elite and poor church-going, gun-toting, immigrant-hating hicks. Those are the only categories. Oh yeah, and black people. They sell drugs and leech off welfare.
April 14, 2008 11:54 PM | Reply | Permalink
Requesting recommendations for zaftig redhead's excellent post:
http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/04/okay-i-admit-it-im-bitter.php
It's about to drop off into obscurity.
April 14, 2008 11:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
Hilarious post. I've been trying to get my friends to read TPM, so I sent them this today so they know what they're missing. If this doesn't get them to sign on and read TPM regularly, nothing will. :)
April 15, 2008 12:27 AM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks for the hilarious, creative post.
I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.
April 15, 2008 8:26 AM | Reply | Permalink
You elitist snobs are so easily entertained.
April 15, 2008 8:31 AM | Reply | Permalink
Genghis--
You forgot the Kraft Dinners.
April 15, 2008 8:37 AM | Reply | Permalink
Party foul for quoting an entire song. Triple party foul for quoting an entire Barenaked Ladies song.
And Simulated Foodstamp Lunch includes mac & cheese. Obviously, Kraft.
April 15, 2008 8:46 AM | Reply | Permalink
I'm sorry
:(
I won't happen again.
April 15, 2008 8:59 AM | Reply | Permalink
For the Pennsylvania version of the boot camp, you might consider adding some local mass-market brews to the beer tasting, particularly those made in areas of economic decline. There are several that will never be confused with microbrews, e.g. Yuengling (Pottsville); Rolling Rock (Latrobe), one of the most truly awful beers ever made; and the dreaded Iron City, also known as Pittsburgh Monkey Piss.
I would love to attend if I could raise the money. Only problem is the Religious Study course, which I may have difficulty passing since I'm an Episcopalian. But wait! So is McCain! Except he's not really -- he's now a Baptist! There is just one technicality -- to be a Baptist, you have to be baptized by immersion, but McCain hasn't been, since he doesn't find it "necessary" for his spiritual needs. OK, I think I've got it figured out now. Thanks, Brother McCain, for showing the way. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,296973,00.html
April 15, 2008 8:57 AM | Reply | Permalink
Sometimes reality is funnier than snark. Great catch, Dunyazad.
I used to love in Pittsburgh and had forgotten all about Iron City. Thanks for that, um, sweet memory. Rolling Rock is indeed horrible, but it's brewed in Newark now. And Yuengling has eschewed it's working class roots ever since the new generation took over several years ago. It's now in every bar in New York.
April 15, 2008 9:30 AM | Reply | Permalink
That was supposed to be "used to live in Pittsburgh". Though there was some lovin' too.
April 15, 2008 9:31 AM | Reply | Permalink
Just a couple of things I think you might have missed, Genghis.
Where's the class on accessorizing with a Flag Pin?
And did I overlook it, or is there a seminar on Frog Gigging?
April 15, 2008 9:48 AM | Reply | Permalink
Nice idea. Very appropriate. I would add a psychological group session dealing with intellectual guilt and discussion/support group addressing/installing moral values. It could be developed into a big Enterprise. ofcouse, you'll be out by then.
April 15, 2008 9:58 AM | Reply | Permalink
nice idea. Very timely and appropriate. I would add a couple of morning sessions focusing on intellectuals guilt (say,6 A.M.) and support group addressing family values problems (is that evangelical preacher still available?)
April 15, 2008 10:05 AM | Reply | Permalink
I
April 15, 2008 10:53 AM | Reply | Permalink
It, I meant it.
For all I know, I could quite possibly happen again, if I didn't happen several times already.
{sniff}
April 15, 2008 11:27 AM | Reply | Permalink
Deep.
Nietzsche (The Gay Science)
April 15, 2008 11:37 AM | Reply | Permalink
Ah! I meant to say that I enjoyed the satire. Didn't check to see if my text posted in its entirety...
It won't happen again ^.^;
April 15, 2008 1:47 PM | Reply | Permalink
"12:00pm Lunch: Adventures With Grease. Fried chicken, fried steak, fried catfish, fried green tomatoes, fried freedom fries. For dessert, fried Snickers bars and fried ice cream."
Fried Snickers and fried ice cream are so early 2000s. The new deep fried dessert is deep fried Coke.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fried_Coke
April 15, 2008 12:02 PM | Reply | Permalink
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