World writes open letter to McCain
EARTH, July 25, 2008 -- The entire world drafted an open letter to Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) today, asking him to drop out of the U.S. presidential race and concede the presidency to Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois).
"Ordinarily we do not interfere in America's internal affairs," said a spokesman for the rest of the planet, "even when it has become clear, as in recent years, that American voters are about to elect ignorant, incoherent buffoons who will add immeasurably to our immiseration. But this time is different. We didn't think it was worth our while to step up for your Carter or Mondale or Dukakis or Gore or Kerry -- besides, we'd only be bombed or invaded for our trouble. But this time, I mean, come on -- you've got to be kidding me, right? Please tell me you're kidding."
Pointing to polls that show Obama leading McCain 94 percent to 6 percent everywhere on the inhabited globe except the United States, where most polls give Obama a narrow one- to three-point lead, the entire world suggested that Americans might not be sufficiently informed about the U.S. election. "Look, this isn't funny," said a world representative, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "You've got one candidate who has a reasonably sane and comprehensive foreign policy combined with detailed knowledge of American domestic affairs, and another candidate who isn't always sure which country he's talking about and whose domestic policy consists of telling people to stop whining. Why are you even throwing this open to a vote? Are you people out of your minds?"
The world seemed to be especially impressed by Senator Obama's recent travels, during which the presumptive Democratic nominee demonstrated a thorough grasp of world affairs while draining a three-pointer "from downtown," as one Kuwaiti commentator noted.
The newly-formed Sunni-Shi'ite Reconciliation Committee, meeting in Damascus, issued a press release timed to coincide with the world's open letter. "We are deeply disturbed," the committee wrote, "that the United States might elect a president who does not know the difference between Sunni and Shi'ite Muslims and who has to have a special friend whisper in his ear every time he makes a mistake. We wonder whether Americans would elect a president who did not understand the difference between your Catholics and your Protestants. And so it is that we stand united, as we have not stood in centuries, in our conviction that such a man is not fit to serve as President of the United States."
On a related note, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki asked the entire world why the U.S. media have failed to acknowledge his government's endorsement of Obama's plan for the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. "I do not understand what is wrong with their Washington Post," Maliki said in a prepared statement. "I recall that it used to be a pretty good newspaper. But now I fear that its editorial pages have been taken over by what the Qu'ran calls 'a bunch of wankers.'"
Unfortunately, representatives of the McCain campaign reported that the candidate did not receive the world's missive, most likely because it was sent to the Senator via e-mail. "I assure you that the Senator is completely up to speed on new technologies and is aware of e-mail," said one staffer. "But he was shaking the laptop in order to get the mail to come out, and he wound up throwing it against a wall. We want to point out, however, that the Senator does not have a problem with his temper, that he is aware of the existence of the Goggle, and that the Internets suffered no permanent damage as a result of this event."
Comments (55)
This is rich. Happy Friday right back at ya,
LisB
July 25, 2008 8:56 AM | Reply | Permalink
Hysterical.
July 25, 2008 9:14 AM | Reply | Permalink
The Picture of Dorian Gray comes to mind.
July 25, 2008 9:29 AM | Reply | Permalink
The real problem with McCain is not Joe Lieberman whispering in his ear. It's his conversations with Harvey the Rabbit. You might have pointed this out.
July 25, 2008 9:31 AM | Reply | Permalink
Don't you be dragging my friend Harvey into this, now. He wouldn't waste his time with dead-enders like McCain and Lieberman.
July 25, 2008 9:42 AM | Reply | Permalink
When George was swept (yes, that's the operative word) back into office in '04, the Brits rolled their eyes, threw up their hands and shouted, "Americans are idiots."
Got to wonder what they'll shout when John is swept into office in Nov. '08.
July 25, 2008 10:02 AM | Reply | Permalink
Read my lips: Ain't gonna happen!
July 25, 2008 2:18 PM | Reply | Permalink
I certainly hope you're right but I'm having palpitations because I fear that this election can go eiher way.
Let's face it, most people vote name recognition, don't follow politics, don't read, listen to (other than Rush) or watch news programs and don't traffic in politically oriented blogs. And because of those realities, McCain qualifies as the best candidate for the Repub party to put up this year. He's got the veneer that so often, unfortunately, determines the president we elect.
July 25, 2008 5:04 PM | Reply | Permalink
When we discuss McCain's obvious deficiencies it always amuses me that people forget that Bush, back in 2004, sounded even worse. Bush was elected in 2004. I'm depressed over my belief that McCain will duplicate that success.
Winning the presidency doesn't involve winning the popular vote - I have little doubt that Obama will do that very handily. But, it does involve winning in enough states to win the electoral college vote, and I still can't see Obama doing that. Fortunately, there is still time for him to work a strategy that will do that.....I hope and pray.
July 25, 2008 7:15 PM | Reply | Permalink
What John McCain needs to do politically, would be considered illegal in the cycling world. DOPING! And no, I don't mean get closer to George W. Bush. I mean an injection of fresh blood, an increase of his campaigns oxygen levels. He better forget all about the strategery and get somebody onboard with him fast!
July 25, 2008 10:31 AM | Reply | Permalink
John McCain is a very dangerous old hot head. You can not spend five plus years of your life at the Hanoi Hilton and be peed and craped on daily, and consinder yourself a well adjusted person. Very sad, but very true. This terrible ordeal ruined his sense of balance and fairness and turned him into a vindictive, angry, and extremely dangerous war monger. Sadly, the not too bright NASCAR crowd thinks he a a great war hero, and that qualifies him to ruin Amereria just like the current moron has been doing for almost eight years now. I see little hope for the country moving forward. But maybe a mircle will happen, and President Barack Obama will have a chance to clean up the horrible mess the current regime created.
July 25, 2008 12:29 PM | Reply | Permalink
Lots of the guys held there returned to their normal lives as largely normal people without obvious psychological disabilities. You cut him too much slack IMO.
July 25, 2008 3:27 PM | Reply | Permalink
I'l just say what I always say in response to statements like this.
I personally don't think that McCain's mental faculties were affected by his time as a POW.
On the contrary, I blame his time hanging around High-level Republican nut-jobs as the reason he's lost his marbles.
Which just goes to show how much more potent and destructive Republicans are at political propaganda and brainwashing than the North Vietnamese Communists.
July 25, 2008 3:46 PM | Reply | Permalink
Maybe McCain can have a second career as a greeter at das Fudge Haus.
July 25, 2008 12:36 PM | Reply | Permalink
And Joe can work as a packer and Lindsey will be right next door at the Sausage Haus.
July 25, 2008 2:11 PM | Reply | Permalink
Oh, too funny! Laughed out loud...
July 25, 2008 2:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
The green screen background. A policy speech at The Fudge Haus. Mitt Romney as VP.
Honestly, no one is doing more to keep Dadaism alive and well than McCain. No one.
July 25, 2008 2:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
World is right.
July 25, 2008 1:59 PM | Reply | Permalink
Quality stuff.
July 25, 2008 2:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
Unfortunately many Americans, of the blue-collar, rust-belt, Appalachian variety who populate states like Ohio and/or Pennsylvania will see the world siding with Obama as one more reason to suspect him.
I am very worried that he's only 1-3 points ahead right now. I mean, if the Democrats can't win THIS election, with THIS candidate...
July 25, 2008 2:22 PM | Reply | Permalink
I wish more Americans felt this way. The World is not enough.
July 25, 2008 2:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
widollar, easy on the Nascar fans. I've been one sense the sixty's and I support Obama. Never have liked generalizations. Peace...
July 25, 2008 2:27 PM | Reply | Permalink
As an African American NASCAR fan who has spent the vast majority of his life in Blue states and who is vigorously supporting Senator Obama, I have to back Jimmy's call on this.
I'm also gonna REC this post and send it to everyone I know...
Just as soon as I wipe down my monitor...
July 25, 2008 3:26 PM | Reply | Permalink
You guys just don't understand McCain's appeal. McCain is the double-dipping military-federal retiree grandfather that everybody hopes to inherit from, having screwed up their own lives. The only question is which set of grandkids from which marriage he will recognise.
It is natural for Americans to propitiate such a man, and they are quite used to doing it. Obama, on the other hand, will be hard for them to deal with.
July 25, 2008 2:28 PM | Reply | Permalink
This and yesterday's WaPo story about Lt. G in Iraq made my day. There is hope in laughter.
I hope this works, I don't do html. Front of Style section in yesterday's paper.
July 25, 2008 2:29 PM | Reply | Permalink
Why is it not 94 to 6 here in America? Seriously, this is making me insane! How can McCain still be polling as close as he is to Obama? Can someone explain this? Are people just not paying any attention at all? Are they all just still on Summer Vacations, still lounging poolside at thousands of Ramadas and Quality Inns -- "Who? McCain? The war hero, right?" I'm being totally serious -- it makes no sense!
July 25, 2008 2:30 PM | Reply | Permalink
Sweet,
it sure is puzzling, expecially after the last few weeks of McCain's flubs. McCain has been attacking Obama viciously and I guess this shows in the polls to some extent.
I suspect Obama's opposition research crew has a book full of McCain's flubs, conflicts, associations with Bush, etc. all ready to go as the election nears.
A one on one debate with Obama will be interesting. Watch for Obama to try to get McCain angry.
July 26, 2008 11:13 AM | Reply | Permalink
so great.
July 25, 2008 2:42 PM | Reply | Permalink
Second job: McCain could always sell his face to Carvel to be used on their famous 'Fudgy the Whale' Cakes.
July 25, 2008 2:50 PM | Reply | Permalink
I love the line about the Qu'ran. The link to the poll of non-Americans is genius. Excellent work as always, Michael.
July 25, 2008 3:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
GOOD on the World.
This is truly, well, for true.
LOL!
siri@legitgov.org
www.legitgov.org
July 25, 2008 3:07 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks for the laugh, Michael. Great read!
There's a simple answer to Georgie's question:
July 25, 2008 3:11 PM | Reply | Permalink
Rats. Misplaced blockquotes.
July 25, 2008 3:16 PM | Reply | Permalink
Dear Michael,
I miss you. Please come back. Please?
Love,
The Internet
July 25, 2008 3:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
Thanks for the laugh.
July 25, 2008 3:29 PM | Reply | Permalink
Ha ! Well Done !! ( Did you mail it ???)
July 25, 2008 3:49 PM | Reply | Permalink
I'm not even vaguely a fan of Barack Obama but, really, compared to John McCain Obama IS the messiah. McCain wouldn't just shout at clouds, he'd order fighter bombers to attack them and then glory in the victory, temporary though it may to be.
So much of American politics takes me back to the famous John Lovitz quote from a Dukakis-Bush I SNL debate skit where Lovitz, as Dukakis, says in response to a bonehead statement by his Republican opponent, "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy."
That's why I keep looking back at America's press and media. There isn't the slightest proximity to reality that gets projected by the media. That's how someone like Bush was found in a poll to favor liberal policies more than John Kerry. Bush II - a compassionate conservative with deep religious beliefs and a down home Texas brush clearing outlook on the hard work that it takes to achieve success. Bullshit.
America chooses bullshit because that all it ever sees and hears.
***
I'm surprised to see a post in the comments by Rotwang, considering that I had the impression that Rotwang was Bérubé. Not that the comment dialog represents proof of an error in my intuition. Maybe it's proof that Bérubé should run for president - as a Republican. Nah. Not wacky enough. Maybe as Rotwang.
July 25, 2008 3:51 PM | Reply | Permalink
I am honored to be mistaken for Bérubé, even if he is French.
July 26, 2008 6:40 PM | Reply | Permalink
On the other hand, Carbon Dioxide Levels Approaching That of the 700 Degree Venusian Atmosphere offered their solid support for McCain, the GOP nominee.
"We R growing in YR atmosphere and await the day when we can melt your lead and other metals with a single summer breeze. Heh and double Heh," said a spokesman for CO2.
July 25, 2008 4:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
Very nice, Perfessor Bérubé.
The badgers are pleased!
http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/
~
July 25, 2008 7:08 PM | Reply | Permalink
Badgers? I would never stoop to linking to badgers.
July 26, 2008 12:25 PM | Reply | Permalink
Yeah, we don't need no stinkin' badgers...
July 26, 2008 1:19 PM | Reply | Permalink
July 25, 2008 7:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
Actually I think Sarkozy is going to be hard to beat here, Michael. I mean, he dropped it in the street for Obama, ya heard?
;)
July 25, 2008 8:39 PM | Reply | Permalink
Sometimes the fear that something might happen actually causes the thing to happen. The classic example given is the little leaguer who is at bat with two strikes against him fearing that he is going to miss the next pitch. He gets himself all worked up about it and sure enough he misses the pitch and does indeed strike out.
It is at best an educated guess to actually discern the "mind" of the American people but one thing is pretty clear, if you keep fretting your guy is going to lose and express those anxieties publicly often enough, you are not helping your cause.
Professor Bérubé helps to exorcise this fear in his posts with his signature satiric humor. That in itself can be a powerful tool against McCain give the goofy things he says and does.
Elections get decided by the "American people" who are nothing but the sum of all voters who cast a vote that gets legitimately counted.
So we are trying to discern the mind of a ghostly entity called "the majority of vote-casters (in the various states)"
I will venture to say that a significant number of these vote-casters will be influenced in their vote by whom they think will be the actual winner.
So my prescription for an Obama win is the expression of more confident exhuberance and less whining about the deficient mentality of the people.
Here at TPM we can lament about the inanity of it all. After all, who reads this stuff besides those who show a modicum of knowledge and interest in politics?
The ghost is reified –in a negative way--by a mixture of rumor, innuendo, propaganda, prejudices, fears, and the whims of assorted charlatans in the media. At least in part anyway.
We must become snake charmers under these circumstances.
July 26, 2008 12:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
not "whom" but "who"
July 26, 2008 12:13 AM | Reply | Permalink
Kudos for best-ever self-correction.
July 26, 2008 1:16 AM | Reply | Permalink
'Nother version of this point is the "third party principle" which states something like "'What I think other people think' is a much more powerful determinant of social outcomes than 'What I think.'" The classic example being that when asked "Which is more problematic, sex or violence on TV?" most people answer "Violence." When asked "Which do you think most other people think is more problematic," they answer "Sex." Guess which one gets more aggressively censored? Note too that "What I think regular Murikans think" is THE stock in trade of the political pundocrats, no matter how misguided or out of touch they are, and by repeating those opinions on THE mass medium, they convey that the mass of people probably do think something like that. Or that idiot topics like John Edwards's haircuts are Important--"Everyone else must think so or it wouldn't be on TV." Or that "Most people think Obama is weird and unknown and McCain's a regular guy like them."
July 26, 2008 6:06 PM | Reply | Permalink
Area man surprised to hear election is still on.
July 26, 2008 1:20 AM | Reply | Permalink
Its obvious that the world doesn't know the surge is working and Obama won't admit it.
The media is surprised that McCain is getting close to Obama in the polls and they can't comment enough on it.
Well, maybe the real story is about this young black guy of little experience, who no one ever heard of a year or two ago and is now leading a Vietnam hero, experienced Senator and well known "maverick" and media favorite in the race for the White House.
By the way, aren't the Blue Dog Democrats also "mavericks"? A classic example in the Senate is Sen. Ben Nelson who votes against the Dems more than McCain ever voted against the Repugs.
I think McCain is obsessed with winning a war (any war) to make up for Vietnam and that makes him dangerous. He's personalized war.
July 26, 2008 11:04 AM | Reply | Permalink
The Internet may not have been damaged, but I nearly choked on my freedom fry and my laptop nearly fell off my lap almost hitting this restaurant's floor.
Bay-roo-bay, you are the best. Please come back. Please re-start your blog. I miss it something fierce.
July 27, 2008 5:20 PM | Reply | Permalink
O moi aussi, evainne.
July 27, 2008 6:56 PM | Reply | Permalink
Well, if you're asking me in French. . . .
July 27, 2008 8:31 PM | Reply | Permalink
dear world
in response to your recent letter, what can we say; half of the voters in America are below average
you look at America, and you only see the successes. for every rocket we sent into space, two more didn't make it. For every succesfull American businessman you see, there are ten businesmen who failed
unfortunately, half of our population votes out of sympathy, not logic.
thanks for your imput on our upcoming election. I hope we all live long enough to see it
respectfully, the sane half of America
July 27, 2008 9:08 PM | Reply | Permalink
mcsame's response wold be
the party you are trying to reach has been permanently disconnected, please hang up, and don't try again ...
July 27, 2008 9:10 PM | Reply | Permalink