My role on EJ Graff's New School panel (http://www.tpmcafe.com/blog/coffeehouse/2007/nov/26/working_mothers_whos_opting_out) was to talk about activism, about solutions, something I’ve spent my adult life working on. But first we have to frame the problem – because if we don’t define it correctly, we can never solve it.

Consider the frame of the Big Boys – the small number of people who control power and wealth in this country. They say women can do anything.! Look at Nancy Pelosi, Hillary, Condi, Katie! If there aren’t many women in the best jobs, it’s because they choose not to be there – they opt out to be with their kids. And that’s okay, because motherhood is the most important job – unless you happen to live in poverty, in which case choosing to be home with your kids means you’re lazy, dependent, and a bad role model. You’d better get a job, who cares where or what hours, and if you never see your kids or they’re home alone, well, at least they have their pride. If women find themselves angry about their situation, whatever it is, who should they be mad at? – why each other, of course. Let’s have mommy wars! Blame another group of women! And of course, blame the feminists.

According to the Big Boys, nothing needs to change except women’s own deficiencies or choices. Anything we’d put in place to change the current system would just drive out businesses and hurt the very people we want to help. Besides, if we tried to take them on, say the Big Boys, we’d fail.

Our frame is very different. We say no one should have to risk a job or career to care for family, or put family at risk to keep a job. Yet millions in this country face these predicament every day. By family, I mean the ones you love and care for, regardless of whether they include children, regardless of whether they’re of the same blood or the opposite gender.

It’s time for new rules so that family values don’t end at the workplace door. Creating such rules is a proper role of government whenever values conflict with existing practices. In our country’s past, the time came when government was needed to prohibit slavery, child labor, discrimination by race and gender. Now it’s time to establish minimum standards for caregiving. Going by the old rules, as so many employers do now, causes huge harm to kids, to women, to families, and to public health. It also puts barriers in the way of men sharing in giving care.

What are these new standards? They include a minimum number of paid sick days, family leave insurance, no mandatory overtime, affordable quality child care, parity for part-timers, more control over scheduling.

The good news is we’re seeing significant wins on these issues. Women’s groups like 9to5 and others are helping to build broad coalitions that include groups as diverse as labor, progressive employers, anti-poverty activists, organizations concerned with aging and child well-being and chronic health.

What’s most inspiring about this movement is that for many, it’s connected not just to smashing the glass ceiling but to redesigning the building from the bottom up, to benefit women and men – part of a new vision, where you don’t have to work like a maniac to advance, don’t need to have a wife at home full-time or limit time with loved ones in order to prosper.

Marcia Meyers and Janet Gornick figured out what it would cost to implement all the changes we need - 1.5% of the gross domestic project. We can easily afford that simply by ending welfare to the Big Boys; right now we spend five that amount on such handouts.

The coming elections are an exciting time make these issues more visible. Already we’ve won a version of paid family leave in California and paid parental leave in Washington. New York and New Jersey are on the cusp of winning family leave insurance as well. San Francisco won the first ordinance guaranteeing all workers a minimum number of paid sick days. The District of Columbia is near a win on that as well. Two dozen other cities and states have campaigns going on.

It’s important to understand how change happens – not mainly as a gift from the top, but policies won by grassroots movements involving those most affected. We do want more women in power, but above all we want more power in the hands of all women and all other groups who have been treated unjustly. Gender alone is not a guarantee of justice.

Let's not add to the devaluation of women’s work. Our goal is to change the way we work and give everyone more time for a personal life, including time to care. We want to make sure that those who make decisions look and live more like the rest of us. Doing so is not a favor to women but a better way to run things. Otherwise you get what we have now: tainted toys, Enron, and the war in Iraq.